Album review: Monolord  - Empress Rising (category: Doom Metal, Sludge, Stoner)
Release date: April 1st, 2014 
Easyriderrecords.com
Twitter: @MonolordSweden

** 01.04.2014 Errata: I have since noticed that the album tracks have been reversed on reviewing this album for some odd reason on my PC's media player program. Since putting the album on my mp3 player, the order was in the correct orientation. Apologies for any confusion with regards to track order. **

On the odd occasion, a band comes from nowhere – and I mean literally from out of nowhere and just kicks the living shit out of you sonically. On my Twitter feed, I had heard a lot of excited babbling about other doom releases – notably Conan's 'Blood Eagle' (a superb doom release that is highly recommended) and Slomatic's 'Estron'. (again, another very decent doom release).

One night, the editor dudes of Echoes and Dust sent me a direct message one evening telling me about a Swedish six legged doom machine called Monolord – and sent me the album to check out. It had already been reviewed on their own website so it seemed churlish to just have the album sitting there and to not tell the world about about it.

I have to say - God's fucking tits – WHAT AN ALBUM!

Monolord initially started off as a side project born from a band called Marulk – an interesting band in its own right that concentrates on 1970's 'Proto Metal' that reminds me of bands such as Budgie, Mountain, The Stooges, and Black Sabbath. However, some of the guys apparently had some pent up energy that they wanted to channel into something that if turned up high enough could destroy derelict 1970s council flats that you'd see in Liverpool, Birmingham or London. With this band, they have certainly achieved that by the metric fucktonne.

The opener 'Watchers of the Waste' bursts forth from the speakers with a slow cyclical riff that if turned up loud enough causes the windows to warp and small animals and furniture to judder around the living room, thus: “DOWWW WOWWWW! DOW WOOWWW! DOW WOWWW! DOW WOWWWW DOW WOWWW DOWW WOWWWWW!”. Imagine, if you will, the slowest parts of Black Sabbath with a pinch of Electric Wizard and shoved hastily through a special patented doom metal filter of their own insane creation and you'll have a good idea of how it sounds. Further elements in the song creep through, while Thomas Jäger's vocals float over the top of it with a lysergic warble that fits very well with the rest of the sonic bludgeon. Usually, doom bands can usually make a hash of the vocals and make them with too much of a growl of distorted incoherent scream that doesn't sit well – but the vocals are spot on in this case and coherent.

'Icon' continues into a path of deep low fuzz, that makes the spleen vibrate. Despite the low end fuzz, the bass is beautifully coherent and easy to follow 5 minutes into the track before bursting forth from the speakers once more at full attack. The composition of the track is brilliant; a lull of bass with vocals towards almost halfway through before a big 'jam off' commences and finally ends the track. 'Harbinger of Death' starts with a wonderfully distorted but clear bass groove before the guitar and drums come in with a thunderous chug capable of destroying buildings.

Finally, 'Adulhumba' is a nice chuggy instrumental that has a hypnotic riff underpinning the whole tune with 'Empress Rising' being a superb album closer lasting for 12 minutes – reminding me of the best bits of Sleep's 'Dopesmoker', 'Jerusalem' and Electric Wizard's 'Dopethrone' put into a sonic blender that while clearly influenced by such albums adds an identity of their own that can stand head and shoulders above pretty much most doom metal realeases.

To conclude, this album is nothing short of brilliant. Over the years, I've heard many things come and go and seen people get excited over things that were quite frankly bland or boring. I have to say it's deeply refreshing to encounter an album that just has your jaw dropping to the floor in amazement – and Monolord have definitely succeeded in doing this in spades. An essential release, and I will actually go so far to say that it's a doom metal classic. Buy it, or be a tone deaf root vegetable.

My Experiences With Vegetarians.

Greetings to all my readers. So, another year and I'm glad that Xmas is over – although to be honest I enjoyed the distraction over the past 3 weeks as I actually felt vaguely like my old self for once, instead of worrying about current employment circumstances, or lack thereof at the time this blog has been posted.

Anyhow, I digress.

Recent news about the lentil abusing ramblings of Morrissey have compelled me to write a blog about vegetarianism – which is in my top ten hates of all time (closely followed by Apple products and people's inane worship of them, that might be covered another day).

What is it I hate about vegetarianism? PREACHY VEGETARIANS – people like Morrissey. As much as I enjoy the music of The Smiths and Morrissey, I wish people like him would quit being preachy fucks and telling what to eat. Recently, he has decided to go off on one and declare meat eating to be as bad as paedophilia and Nazism – which is needless to say an extreme step too far. Like many people, perhaps he could do with actually making an album instead of trying to convert a world for the most part who doesn't give a fuck about vegetarianism; because in all honesty it makes people like him look like complete and total dicks. I dare say there's probably vegetarians out there who aren't preachy thinking “Oh for fucks sake, another vegetarian making us look like a bunch of whiny twats, like we need any more bad press as it is!”.

Anyway, enough about him. Let's cover exactly what pisses me off about vegetarianism as a whole.

The Eternal Life Fantasy:

Preachy vegetarians always go on about how long they will live for, due to their diet being ever so super healthy. Personally, I'm not that convinced; the human species is an animal that is designed to be an omnivore (the most notable feature is incisors, which are featured on many carnivorous/omnivorous animals). If you eat a load of crap and don't mind your diet (omnivore or not), you will no doubt suffer the consequences of heart disease, diabetes and many other problems.

To me, a human trying to be a vegetarian is like a car trying to run on the wrong octane of fuel – it will no doubt misfire and bound to cause long term damage. I'm no scientist, but even I know that vegetarians often lack iron, and this is usually obtained via meat – notably Vitamin B12 and Heam Iron to stop such problems like anaemia. Another example that shows humans are engineered to be omnivorous is the redundant part of the stomach called the appendix, which in a herbivorous creature would've been used to help process tough plant matter and seeds. For many people, especially in today's financial climate with food banks – vegetarianism isn't a lifestyle option due to expense of trying to maintain such a diet and is a choice of the privileged.

A typical case in point is the vegetarians that I know, always appear to be more susceptible to colds and other illness more than others who stick to an omnivorous diet. Not forgetting the fact they take that many multi-vitamin pills to supplement what is lost from their diet, that if you shook them they would practically rattle. A friend of mine (who I have referred to as 'Vegan Goth' on my tweets), actually went as far as purchasing Spirulina, which is a form of algae that is supposed to be some sort of super super multi multi-vitamin that if you read the internet would have you believe to be the definitive cure for everything including AIDS and Cancer. He went as far as to make (for all intents and purposes) what is effectively a pond water smoothie from the stuff, however – he forgot to secure the lid on the blender properly. Needless to say, his kitchen got a decorating in rancid green slime which he mopped up with a load of dish cloths and towels to clear the slimy aftermath.

A few days later, he was washing clothes in his washing machine and tumble dryer combo in his apartment. Curiously, after a couple of minutes the smell of rotted eggs and sulphur was prevalent in his kitchen which he couldn't figure out. He couldn't quite work out where it came from, but he eventually put two and two together and worked out the smell was coming from the washing machine. It turns out that the pipework for the washing machine and dyer is the perfect warm and moist environment for algae to thrive, and that the pipes were coated with his very own culture that were absolutely loving the waste water and hot air that was spewed out from the machine. He was left with no option but to phone up a plumber to try and cure the problem, which apparently was sorted using a lump of borax in the washing machine a couple of times until the smell and algae was cleared.

Just think – if he was an omnivore than this particularly messy incident wouldn't have happened (but would have probably made this blog a bit less interesting). Also, I don't think citing vegetarianism aiding longevity of life a bit of a shaky one – there are far too many variables involved that could influence the mortality of a person such as: Life span of your family, hereditary diseases and illnesses, lifestyle, activity, what you do as a job, and so on and so forth.

Take Yul Brynner and Jim Fixx – the former smoked, snorted, fucked and ingested anything and still lived until he was 65. Jim Fixx turned into a health nut in his mid 30s, yet jogging killed him off when he was 52. Also, my nan smoked woodbines and couldn't even understand the concept or definition of dieting and ate and drank what she wanted – to eventually shuffle off the mortal coil at the ripe old age of 86.

So, on that basis who exactly was living life the right way? Hmmmm?

Fuck Off! Stop Telling Me What To Eat!

This is by far the biggest problem that I have with vegetarians in my experiences, the preaching and telling all and sundry how to eat. I don't give a fuck about what you eat, as long as you don't lecture me on what I should and shouldn't eat – otherwise we will establish some very big problems.

I know a small handful of vegetarian people in person, and half of them are pretty much okay and the topic of vegetarianism never crops up or causes any arguments – in fact, one of the friends in my group is vegan and I was completely and totally unaware until it was mentioned one night on Facebook. Another who I know was vegetarian. but if you crashed over at her house on a night out she wouldn't mind making you a therapeutic bacon and brown sauce on toast when you had a splitting hangover, and had no qualms about having a summer barbecue which would make most vegetarians flinch (she would stick to Quorn burgers or something similar, or offer a veggie option).

Sadly, the number of vegetarians who won't shut the fuck up and keep their opinions to themselves far outweighs those who would normally respect the wishes of others and myself.

A particularly annoying person, is a poorly informed vegetarian who is the worst and most neurotic pain in the arse that you could ever meet. The type of person who over analyses the side effects of medicine and would often refuse to take something, even if it was life threatening. This person would also go as far to give me hassle as soon as I ate a kebab while drunk, informing me that it was made of dead cats, dogs, cows arseholes and whatever else (not that anyone would ever care while drunk and eating a kebab). However, due to a sharp sense and wit I am very quick to point out the holes and flaws in their theories and proceed to show them up for the ridiculous arsehole that they are. Because, basically – they fucking well deserve it in all honesty.

A typical case in point was a few years ago, when me and a couple of my friends had made a trip to Yorkshire for a night out at Bradford Rio's to see a band play, and a trip around the drinking establishments inhabited by the Goths and Metalheads that live in the Leeds area. Before we landed at their home, we had decided on a trek around Leeds before making our way over to a small Yorkshire village where my friend lived. Amongst my friends, was the ranty vegetarian I mentioned earlier. Would you believe, that said person made us walk around the long way while looking at Leeds Market due to the butchers and that they “don't like the smell of cruelty and murder”; this was a pain in the arse as it is while we were lugging around a small suitcase and rucksack for the weekend, especially when the suitcases had New Rock boots in them. As a result, I ended up missing a cool little Polish food market that sold some strange confectionery I particularly liked that I couldn't find elsewhere.

I decided to declare war all fucking weekend. This, had finally made my piss boil!

Throughout this particular weekend, I took every endeavour to ensure that I ate even more meat than normal just to piss them off. Whatever I could eat, had to have meat in it somehow – or a least more meat than normal. Just a Chicken Curry? Fuck it – Let's order a special curry with a least a few different types of dead animal in it (Prawn, Chicken, Pork, Steak, etc). A kebab? Yeah sure, let's completely skip on the vegetable garnish and just concentrate on the meat and chilli sauce, fuck it – why not? A sandwich for lunch, Bacon Lettuce and Tomato? Nah – Let's have an all day breakfast sandwich that contains egg, chicken and pork sausage – fuck it, why not? Especially when whiny veggie had the nerve to piss and moan about choosing an eating establishment. They even asked a bunch of Turkish guys whether the Samosa's had been cooked in a facility that had been used to cook meat, of which they couldn't answer or particularly care less – so guess who went away starving while we all had kebab and burgers while smashed off our faces?

This didn't just stop there. Oh no, we went around some Goth clothes shops and even then said person was asking if there was vegan friendly clothing. Yep, they even made a snide comment about a leather jacket that I bought saying something along the lines of “Yeah, nice jacket but it was a shame an animal died to make it”. Granted, there were some vegan friendly clothing (whatever the fuck that nonsense is) but it came at a cost – as noted with Mad Fish boots. They liked the look of New Rocks and Doc Martens, but didn't like the idea of them being made from leather. As a consequence, such clothing is dramatically more expensive due to the specialist nature. They had a range of Mad Fish boots, which were made of some form of synthetic material but were actually bloody horrible to wear and looked as if they were made from old deckchairs or something.

I didn't let it stop there after this shopping excursion. I decided to use even more extreme logic traps to trip them up!

My friends house had some pretty expensive and comfortable leather couches. They sat on them without any apparent issue – which to me sounded very hypocritical. After much drunken debate before going out the door, I had decided to declare that they should either sit on the floor, a fabric foot stool thing or a chair brought in from the kitchen. There was a land slide vote from everybody in the house that they should pick one of these instead of sitting on the leather couch – despite it being the most comfortable option – it was their loss due to their inane fussiness. If they wanted to piss and moan about food choices and ethics as an outvoted minority then they deserved all the shit they got for being preachy. If they kept their mouths shut about it, then perhaps the weekend may have played out a lot differently. In conclusion, a good weekend was had by all (even the whiny vegetarian), but since that point they have become dramatically less vocal and for the most part seen the error of inflicting their 'Veggie Nazi' ways.

Meat Is Murder!

Lastly, a particularly annoying issue with preachy vegetarians is the way they yammer on about animal cruelty, animal testing and such. This is a topic that really annoys me the most.

First of all, there is a definite hierarchical food chain whether people like it or not. To think that all animals are sacred is an extremely naive one. If we applied this to its logical conclusion, then people wouldn't kill off cockroaches, rats or mosquitoes or other vermin and disease would be rife. In fact, they would probably be the first people to complain and make a hypocrite of themselves. Oh, your house is invaded with mice? Oh, that's a shame. Send an email to who gives a shit dot com because if we sent out the exterminators to your gaff would surely be a double standard. Oh, they're the wrong type of mice and they're not the cute ones like Mickey Mouse? Ah, my mistake! 

People who put the lives of animals before themselves in my opinion deserve to be locked up in an insane asylum for such ridiculous beliefs. The likes of Greenpeace, PETA and other such organisations who think they are bang to rights for blowing up scientists that could lead to a cure for Cancer, AIDS, Alzheimers or whatever are extremely odious pieces of work that deserve maximum contempt. There are far more organisations and shelters that cater for cats, dogs, and other unwanted animals that people are prepared to throw any amount of money at. Homeless shelters are closing down, rape crises centres are poorly funded, women and children are fleeing from domestic violence with almost nowhere to turn to. While animal charities are practically a licence to print money, with lots of cute merchandise to keep the collective piggy banks overfed so the accountants can enjoy counting the zeros at the end of the bank balance.

I have often thought to myself that perhaps criminals serving life sentences for murder and/or paedophilia should be used for testing instead of animals. After all, they have thrown away their rights to living in civilised society and they would be a more accurate living template to discover the effects on new treatments and methods. However, the politically correct brigade would be frothing at the mouth piece, citing that these people have rights. Nope, they threw away their rights when they chose to commit such heinous crimes.

It's also worth noting that without animal testing to forward the developments of science, progress would still be in the stone age. Without animal testing, my eldest sister wouldn't be alive and would've left her kids without a mother, fortunately she was treated with Wharfarin to cure what could've been a fatal blood clot. My friends and my missus who have asthma would have a dramatically poorer choice of life if it wasn't for the research and testing for their medication. My own father probably might not have been alive it it wasn't for research done on beta blockers used for his heart tablets to regulate heart beat and blood pressure. This can be applied to anybody that we know with an illness, and they might not have been alive if it wasn't for the research gained from animal testing.

If any of these preachy arseholes were ill and their lives or family members lives depended on medication whose research depended on medication that was tested on animals, they would soon change their idiotic flat earth beliefs.

To conclude, this is why I feel strongly about vegetarianism, and the things that are linked to such a choice.

You're holding the world back.

Slipknot - A Sideways View (From The Outside)

So, another day and more people jumping onto what I interpret as another bout of what I call ‘grief tourism’.

By this, I refer to recent events with Slipknot.

I will lay my cards out on the table here - I'm not a fan of them. Now, before anybody starts to get on their high horse I did buy their so called ‘début album’ (which, was actually ‘Mate Feed Kill Repeat’ and not their self titled album) and I gave it a fair go. Granted, it was musically interesting for a short spell of time but to be honest I got bored of them very quickly - in fact, bored of the album in the space of a week and then sold it on. I give many bands a fair ‘crack of the whip’. and I've even checked out things like Bring Me The Horizon and Suicide Silence (which I also dislike) as I am a Metal fan who does give a new band I've never heard of a fair chance before I declare and out and out dislike of them.

The thing that done it for me with Slipknot, was the fact that the band appear to be a bit of a quasi-engineered gimmick; the whole thing of band members with a strange identity had been done before (like Kiss for instance). Also, at the time when I was into metal (which was a good few years by the time that album came out) the whole Metal world for me had changed for something that was worse - as I got into Metal at a time when Metal was (before Nu-Metal, Skater stuff and things like Blink 182, Green Day, Offspring, Korn and such); and this particular band (amongst a slew of stuff that popped up) was one that left me cold.

Metal had become a completely alien place in some respects, and so I dutifully carried on and missed this particular bandwagon. I use the term quasi engineered due to the fact that ‘Mate Feed Kill Repeat’ was a very individual and interesting piece of work, and Ross Robinson had heavily stylised their sound for the Nu Metal generation, effectively muting the guitar solos and making the band sound like a radio friendly unit shifter. This was made more prevalent with their later albums when they involved more dynamics and variety into their sound; and I always felt that Mushroomhead were far superior, pre-dated Slipknot and were often overlooked.

As much as I don’t like them, they appear to strike a chord and ‘the feels’ (as the kids say) for many people. One thing that I will acknowledge is the fact that they are clearly influenced by some of the more extreme areas of Metal and are nevertheless responsible as an important ‘gateway band’ that got more people into Metal and also gave people a thirst for this glorious form of music and got them into even more bands, made new friends, and became part of a collective they felt they belonged to when mainstream society had otherwise left a cold taste in their collective mouths with bland manufactured pop music. This, is also something worthy of commendation.

From what I interpret of recent news, the departure of Joey Jordison and the feelings about this is probably going a bit too far overboard; many bands have drummers or guitarists leave with randomly variable results; some bands it makes no difference, some bands it can affect them dramatically - for worse or for better. From what I understand, the band members have a lot of different things going on and naturally they are finding it difficult to progress due to the death of Paul Grey (as did Metallica when Cliff Burton died). Therefore, I believe that it won’t necessarily be the end of the band as of yet (at the time that this blog was originally composed) and people going as far to say they are ‘mourning’ the departure of a band member is somewhat overkill.

Sadly, in the ‘information age’ you could be forgiven for thinking that any polar opposite opinion is strictly ‘verboten’. Don’t get me wrong, I love my music and I love being a part of the alternative scene but I feel that there has been some over the top fanaticism that is lacking perspective which can ruin it for everybody else - which should be left to the likes of Justin Bieber fans, or whatever is popular this week to ‘The Normalloes’. I have genuinely lamented the departure of bands, band members and the death of band members, notably the deaths of Chuck Schuldiner, Terje Bakken, Quorthon and Pete Steele hit me particularly hard and I will actually go as far to lay my cards on the table and admit to shedding a tear about the news.

But there is ONE thing for certain - if somebody disagreed about it I didn't go shoving it down their throats and calling out the ‘Hate Police’ like some people on the Internet have done because I dared to challenge what I believed to be their ‘Tin Gods’; one person’s tin god is someone else's sacred cow - and not everybody can be expected to hold the same opinion. Therefore, as a consequence I will never fashion what I stand up for to suit anybody else. In fact, the more something appears to be a bandwagon the more that I am inclined to challenge it, as herd conformity should not be a default pattern of life.

Otherwise, we might as well become North Korea Jnr and be done with it. And that, isn't the best way of doing things, is it?

Sonisphere - Spleen Vents, Sideways Views (And Exposed Sinews)

Ah, it's back again, mentions on Sonisphere – and the year hasn't finished yet (at the current time of writing). A festival that is essentially no different than Download, which was probably why it was pulled the last time as (to my eyes and ears) looked pretty much like a mirror of Download. The line up of both festivals fails to interest me, due to the fact that I've seen 75% of the bands on their own; without the need to sleep in a field for a few days smelling of piss. The rest of the bands, are something I care little about.

What has amused me the most is people pissing themselves like an excited dog about it. I mean, come on – Metallica? Iron Maiden? Really? How are you all *that* surprised about them opening a festival event? They're pretty much standard generic fare. Not forgetting in the past 20 years all that both bands have proceeded in doing is musically treading water (notably, post 1995 Metallica and especially the Iron Maiden albums wrote when Bruce Dickinson pissed off – which I remember very well indeed).

Sorry, I'm not easily impressed. For the following reasons. Let us debunk everything about these bands once and for all shall we?

Iron(y) Maiden:
Okay – get ready for this, and brace yourselves

*drum roll*

Iron Maiden are BORING.

To me, Iron Maiden are musically flat and monotonous They are the musical equivalent of the colour beige. This said, they're far from being Nickleback or Bon Jovi terrible. I just think they're incredibly overrated for what they are. Every album to my ears sounds more or less the same, sticking to a tried and tested generic formula pretty much in the same manner as Status Quo and AC/DC (which I also don't 'get' either).

Yet, many of the bovine masses want more and more. Some bands can get away with peddling the same stuff for years and get away with it perfectly well, and this in many ways isn't a bad thing; a band can tip one way and alienate their fan base irreparably (like Paradise Lost – and no I didn't like their Depeche Mode emulating stuff either). To my ears, Iron Maiden albums are interchangeable and almost indistinguishable from each other; you could put 10 albums in a multi play CD player and you can't tell what albums they belonged to. I just don't get it.

My Iron Maiden hatred stems back to the dark mists of time in the early 1990s when I first got into Metal. The friend who got me into Metal, had played Iron Maiden over and over and over again, ad nauseum. I would call over to his house on weekends, and no matter what new albums he bought and got me into (such as Carcass, Brutal Truth, Obituary, Sepultura and oddly enough Metallica) it would always – and I mean ALWAYS go back to playing Iron Maiden, where he often got a bit to carried away tuneless emulating old Brucie boy and singing into a hairbrush. He also thought he was Axl Rose and wore bandanas; but the sad fact of the matter is that he looked nothing like him and more akin to your average shaved ape if he grew a mullet. Nice.

So – to conclude, I never have and never will understand what all the fuss is about Iron Maiden. Yes, they're a musical institution and they helped paved the way and influenced newer bands – but all I can think of is a middle of the road band that is too often heard on terrible music channels, and on that fucking Grand Theft Guitar Hero console game – or whatever the fucking thing is called.

Me(h)talllica:

I once liked Metallica. Well, in all fairness I only own their first three albums nowadays – Kill Them All (no, I won't call it Kill 'Em All as it looks grammatically annoying), Ride The Lightning and last of all Master Of Puppets. Again, like Iron Maiden there is no denying the fact that those albums are also a musical institution, greatly influential, and inspired many bands and got many people into Metal.

But, there are two things that quickly ruined it for me.

(1) The over-saturation of tracks played from '...And Justice For All' and the black album (self titled). Every fucking time I go on a rock night, 'Enter Sandman', 'Sad But True', and 'One' are played over and over. They were once good tunes, that I ended up growing to hate (much in the manner of being sick to fucking death of hearing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit').

(2) Their post 1995 output – with the worst offender: Load [of shite]

*Cue Dvorak's New Age Symphony*

I remember a time, when I was in college and there were proper Metalheads and proper Goths. None of these baggy trousered Nu Metal types, none of what I refer to as 'Art Quiff Twats', and Cybergoth's had yet to exist (mind you, a primitive form called 'Rivetheads' were around that listened to Front 242 and Skinny Puppy which was as far as it ever got – and were relatively rare). The music and times were great; Hair Metal had died on its arse due to Grunge (although some people argue that Grunge also killed off a lot of decent Metal bands) and there were many decent bands and a good crowd of people. At one point, the world had also been bowled over by an interesting young band called Machine Head and people were forking out £25 to import the début album from a supposedly ground breaking band called Korn.

Then – Metallica showed up out of the wilderness and released the God awful atrocity that was Load.

To my ears, Load was the aural equivalent of smashing a mirror and bringing along a spell of bad luck (If you believe all that superstitious bollocks). During the span of several years, what I refer to Metal as I knew it disappeared under the radar and a black cloud had descended on the scene. People started wearing combat trousers half way down their arse, with short spiky hair and a garbled form of shuffling morose dancing. Green Day, Offspring, Blink 182, and other such bands started appearing that was far too ear friendly – accumulating at a peak with the likes of Slipknot and the fucking awful Slipknot Jnr – more commonly known as Mudvayne.

Carcass had split up, Paradise Lost started emulating Depeche Mode, and even Machine Head jumped on the bus pulled by Nelly The Bad Music Elephant; and all my favourite bands were still releasing albums but not even getting a shred of recognition. Naturally, I still stuck up for what I listened to and disappeared underground with my preferences and shunned what I called 'False Metal'; naturally I wasn't alone with this and a fair few stuck to their guns or disappeared from the scene entirely, as if to roll over and die.

As a result, I now have a very passionate hatred towards Metallica as it was if it brought along an era of, to be perfectly honest – some fucking awful music. Everything after the Load album, has sucked the ferociously massive equine spam javelin.

However - all might not be lost!

There may be hope for Metallica – in the form of Robert Trujillo

Many Metal fans will probably remember his earlier work in Suicidal Tendencies and the spin off band Infectious Grooves (especially if you're in the 30 blah blah years age bracket, like me). Rob is an excellent bass guitarist, who performs some amazing bass lines with make the perfect foundation for many Suicidal Tendencies tracks (and the funk metal of Infectious Grooves). As far as bass guitarists go, he is certainly up there with the likes of Les Claypool and the much missed bass lord that was Cliff Burton.

I have sat through Metallica's post 1995 works and gave them the benefit out the doubt, just in case anybody out there tried to say I was just being curt and dismissive towards Metallica's newer works.

For the record, I have also checked out their most current release 'Death Magnetic'. This, is where it gets interesting.

I visited a friend who had, *cough* 'downstolen' the album (probably to piss Lars Ulrich off, as he hates that sort of thing). To be perfectly honest, I was quite stunned and surprised; throughout the album it was permeated with elements from the Metallica who I used to know, the Metallica that I loved so much with the first 3 albums they released. To my ears, the best way to describe the album is as follows:

Imagine, if you will – a good friend you knew in college. He was an awesome friend, a massive laugh, and you shared so many good times with each other. Until, that fateful moment in 1995 when he was involved in a near fatal car crash and remained in a coma for several years. He awoke after about a year or so, but he had to relearn everything all over again as if he was a small child; walking, talking, independence and developing all over again. Recently, he started recalling memories of the past and coming out with the sayings of old; the banter, the piss taking, and the twisted humour that made you such good friends – he was returning back to his old self.

This – is my perfect capsule review and metaphor for 'Death Magnetic'.

I hold the belief that the recruitment of Rob Trujillo could be a very good thing, as long as Metallica let him add some creativity with his bass guitar skills to make some awesome music. Also, it has been noted that over the past couple of years you could be forgiven for thinking that Metallica are distancing themselves from their post 1995 output; as they're playing a lot of tracks from their first 5 albums – and at one point (if I recall correctly) played the black album in its entirety at a festival.

What do I want from Metallica with their next album? A follower of mine suggested “How about stop being shit”. Okay, fair enough and humorously worded, and I fully agree. It was also suggested that Gene Hoglan should replace Lars Ulrich on drums (now THAT I'd like to see!).

I want one of Thrash Metal's leviathans to awake from their slumber, their musical doldrums and half-arsedness. With Rob Trujillo, I believe that if they let him have a say in the matter they could release an album that can lay waste to what I call this 'Neo Thrash Metal Renaissance' that the kids are very into at the moment (I'm looking at you, Municipal Waste, Trivium and SSS). An album that completely fucks up the 'Neo Thrash' program, pissing in the face of the pale imitators. To demonstrate my point clearly, try checking out YouTube and looking up 'Metallica – And Justice For Jason' to get some idea of what I'm talking about.

I really hope for a truly gob smacking Metallica album to raise the bar once and for all. The Metallica I got into, the Metallica that gave me the 'James May Fizz'. The Metallica that evokes a primal urge to stand on a desk in a library, windmilling and performing Alan Partridge Bass like there's no tomorrow. THAT sort of Metallica.

I live in hope.

Summoning - Old Mornings Dawn (album review)

After being out in the wilderness for 11 years - Summoning are back with a brand new album called "Of Mornings Dawn". Are they back on form after such a lengthy hiatus? 

Austria's Summoning are quite an interesting prospect, when it comes to Black Metal. Those who aren't into Black Metal usually dismiss this side of the Metal spectrum as a blur of noise and screaming, and something that is a bit of a 'Marmite' form of music taste. To those who know their stuff about Black Metal will know that this is clearly not the case. Notably, you have the likes of Dimmu Borgir which are currently wowing 'the kids' with their interesting brand of what I refer to as 'Epic Film Score Black Metal' – as duly noted on the track 'The Serpentine Offering' which some people would dismiss as being completely pompous. Then, you have the likes of bands that sound as if they've been recorded on a worn telephone answering machine such as Darkthrone and Burzum. Basically, it's very much like real ale – people think it's the same thing and somewhat weird, but there's a whole new world of taste going on.

Summoning are a very interesting prospect in the realms of Symphonic Black Metal. Imagine, if you will – something like the Game of Thrones soundtrack played by Sethereal and Amon Amarth through a specially patented Black Metal filter, and a few J.R.R. Tolkein books thrown in for good measure (as their musical output is very much inspired by this).

Strangely, the overall tone and how it sounds is against what what you'd normally expect from Black Metal, as it usually concentrates on the darker side of things and a sense of nihilism, coldness and futility. In this case, it is more upbeat, uplifting, and triumphant– in a style similar to Finntroll but on a more slower, soaring and more majestic tone.

However you look at it, it's pretty much quite unlike what you would expect from most Black Metal bands. “Caradhras” for example, is like a chest beating anthem with a male vocal choir in the background and soaring soundscapes, while “Of Pale White Morns and Darkened Eves” is a sheer sweeping work of brilliance that brings along Sethereal style icy Black Metal vocals; combined with horns, lutes, and military style drumming. It has a distinctly upbeat medieval tone that conjures up images of green majestic lands, knights and castles, dragons and other such medieval film clichés. In writing it sounds ridiculous to explain , but if you love Game of Thrones, Merlin, and Lord of the rings but imagine a Black Metal band making a soundtrack to it then you'd be bang on the nail.

What is particularly worthy of note is that upon repeated listens there is not a single weak track on the album, which rewards the listeners with intricacies that aren't immediately apparent upon the first listen. An absence of approximately 10 years has not been detrimental to the band in their sound, as usually if a band disappears for a while they tend to lose their musical mojo while they've been out in the wilderness doing other things to occupy their time than writing music (such as life getting in the way for one reason or other). For those existing Summoning fans, it's a pleasing return to form that shouldn't disappoint – in fact, I quite prefer the production quality of this particular album (dare I say “Hi-Fi Black Metal”?). But, nevertheless it has a path that musically we have all been down before to seasoned veterans of the scene like myself.

In the Symphonic Black Metal world, or in the world of extreme of Metal as a whole – Summoning and their latest album are up their with the very best. In the stale air of bands belching forth the same thing over and other, they are like a refreshing breeze and trip to an unknown and exciting pasture.

Rating: 10/10

Unpopular Opinions: The HIM and Ville Valo bandwagon

Greetings all,

A chewing, gnawing thing had entered my subconscious as I arose from my slumber in Ph0sph0rr0r towers this morning. I'm not entirely sure where it stemmed from, may have been Twitter – I don't know. Somebody, somewhere had mentioned HIM – and someone of whom I don't even follow had decided to gatecrash my discussion with another follower with regards to what I believe are the best albums and why they piss me off now. In this case, clearly a blinkered follower just had a problem with any constructive criticism about the band.

Therefore, I have decided to type this blog as a means of catharsis as such. Because, one thing I CANNOT abide more than anything which is in the top five of my hates are bandwagons.

Call me a snob, but one thing I don't particularly like is when a band starts trending and everybody likes them. I like a band when it was just “My CD”, when I had found them (apparently) before anyone else. HIM were an interesting band, Gothic tinged alternative metal which reminded me of many different things but were somehow individual in their own right. They were curiously likable, came from a country not really renown for such music and were quite unlike anything I'd heard at the time (apart from Sentenced, Nightwish and Impaled Nazarene). Nightwish were even weirder again – some really fit dark haired girlie performing operatic warbling over power metal? The Oceanborn album was spectacular when I first heard it and really special – but I'm going off the point slightly here. Also, at the time it was when I first started seeing J and who had also shared a liking for the band so the band has a particularly strong memory for me due to this via music listening association.

Such bands from such a strange country couldn't become THAT popular, surely?

Apparently – YES.

Overnight, it appeared that there was a metric fuck tonne of teenage hoards appeared overnight with an alarming pop music-esque worship of HIM – which completely and totally got on my tits. It also synchronized perfectly with the period of time when MTV Jackass and Dirty Sanchez was on heavy rotation on TV, wherby Bam Margera was usually featured being permanently up the arse of Villa Valo with the fucking heartagram being scribbled on what appeared to be bloody everything.

I remember a particular instance of turning into the “Metal Gestapo” one evening, while I was waiting for a train into Liverpool to go to the Krazyhouse (this was many years ago before it turned to shit and the likes of my 'Ethnic Group' quit going to it). This person held what appeared to be a blind fanaticism of Ville Valo and had emulated their look – down to a bloody stupid pinstriped blazer that had been daubed with various slogans and the heartagram logo all over the fucking place. I quizzed them, and they didn't know anything about the first album or the side project called Daniel Lioneye – and I showed them up as a fraud. Okay, this may have been a bit twattish of me but it clearly showed bandwagonism and just liking something because everybody else did and they didn't formulate an independent opinion of their own.

What really got on my fucking tits was the fame that occurred due to Bam Margera being permanently wedged up Ville Valo's poop shoot and mutual masturbation (of which Ville Valo eventually got sick of, it transpired in a Kerrang interview – apparently), and the fame began to take its toll. I have seen HIM twice so far, and the second time I vowed to never listen to or purchase any more of their albums ever again. The first time, HIM were a pretty decent band.

However, the second time I seen them was a completely different story.

The next time around I had seen them, they were playing some small dive somewhere in Liverpool, and had Cathedral as support. On the face of it, this was a very odd lineup – but Ville Vallo apparently had a liking for the far heavier side of metal which is why he asked them to support. Sadly, nobody gave a flying fuck about Cathedral – which disappointed me greatly as I shared a liking for both bands at the time. The crowd was basically a sea of irritating teenybopper 'mini metal' types, and you could be forgiven for thinking that you were at a Top of the Pops gig due to all the teenage hormonal screaming. Then, Ville Valo and his merry men came on stage, and were completely piss poor. Ville Valo was just too smashed off his face, mumbling incoherently into a Mic and I really don't know how I managed to sit the whole thing out. Eventually, the gig ended and there was lots of excited babbling from these kids who had not know anything better and thought that the performance was the best thing ever. Needless to say, I told J in no uncertain terms that I would not go to see them again or give Ville Valo any more of my cash as he basically tuned into a Goth equivalent of Jim Morrison and was too wrecked to perform a gig properly.

The blind adoration of the band continued, and I chose to distance myself VERY fucking far away from once liking them. J had proceeded to see them a third time with a friend of hers because I point blank refused to go, which at the time I found completely baffling. This time around, J and her friend found their live performance even worse AND YET more of these teenybopper friends showed up to see them – and worryingly some of my friends who I though should have known better to have gone throwing cash at them (who I thought needed their fucking heads testing for doing so).

That quirky little Finnish band, wasn't mine anymore. Alas.

I'm all for more people liking Metal and Goth, and naturally some of my younger friends have to start somewhere and weren't fortunate to get into it all in a 'Pre Nu-Metal Era' like myself. But, when a bandwagon is a bandwagon for bandwagon's sake and it over-rules common sense then where the fuck does it truly end? After all, when it starts getting like that then it's no different than listening to chart music.

So far, I think I can sleep soundly at night in the knowledge that Death/Black Metal will never become mainstream, ditto the 'Proper Goth' scence and is my little misunderstood masonic-esque group.

This said, the day I see a Darkthrone T shirt in Primark – will be a very worrying day and I only prey that it doesn't happen. This may be the further basis for a cheese fuelled nightmare.

Stay tuned...

Declaration of War Against Part Time Cyclists [from a full time cyclist]

Due to 'The Recession', and going back in time to something resembling the 1980s (especially with this 'Scene Kid' look) with a Tory government, many people (excluding the wealthy) have had to make many cutbacks in their lifestyle.

Notably, transportation and spiralling fuel prices being the most prominent thing in the news has brought along a sudden upsurge in cycling to and from work as an alternative method of commuting. This has slowly increased as of late, and since the clocks have gone to BST and Spring is upon us (late April 2013) everybody has showed up out of the woodwork, cycling everywhere. In fact, from my point of view (as a cyclist who is full time irrespective of the time of year and weather conditions) it has turned into what has become a Tesco Value version of the Tour De France.

This, has since been fuelled further by the 'Cycle to Work' scheme inventive that has been rolled out recently where I work. Now, every fucker has jumped on the bike ordering bandwagon. Before this point, if I dare suggested that cycling to work was a good idea I would have been laughed out of the building and being condemned for 'flat earth hippy bellend thinking'.

This may sound somewhat bitter to others, but for endless months on end for a good few years I have barely seen anybody commute to work on a bicycle. Until the past 18 months or so. And, it is worth mentioning that this 'New Wave' of cyclists are ruining it for the rest of us, by thinking they are immune to road traffic laws, and for some strange reason thinking that they are invincible. Maybe it's is down to the fact that they are able to appreciate exercise instead of getting around in an engine powered tin box, exempt from tax and insurance and increasing costs of fuel. I'm not sure. What is also annoying is the fact that I am willing to wager that half of the adults that are cycling along also have full car licences, or even licensed for driving HGV and other industrial vehicles, and yet are quantity of these people are offenders in my view.

Anyway, I have decided to take it upon myself to clarify a few things. Notably, general cycling etiquette and decent road traffic conduct.

You are NOT above UK traffic laws and legislation!

Cycling around everywhere, is pretty damn exhilarating, especially in the warmer months of the year when the clocks go forward to BST (British Summer Time). To be honest, there is nothing more fucking awesome than zipping down twisty 'B' roads, getting a tonne of fresh air down your lungs on a vehicle powered by your own self propulsion. Not forgetting taking off road short cuts if you have a suitably equipped and geared mountain bike, where you can even tackle places that would cause a Land Rover a nervous breakdown (which is the best bit for me as an ATB fan).

But for the love of God's Tits, STICK to Road Traffic laws:

Ride positively and decisively. Don't fucking dither about as if you are in a daydream, cycling is indeed VERY REAL and you are far more vulnerable than you would be in a car. Be aware of your surroundings!

Keep left on the road, don't weave around all over the place. Let other road users pass by, including other cyclists. In the UK we drive on the LEFT hand side of the road in RIGHT hand drive cars (I've found Eastern Europeans to be the worst offenders).

Give other road users plenty of notification if you are about to turn somewhere. Notably, use your Left or Right arm stretched out to indicate where you are going.

Try to ride a car door width away from car doors – to avoid the scenario of a bike/car door interface at sudden speed with disastrous results.

Try to keep 1 metre (3 feet-ish) away from the kerb or in the centre of the left lane (dependant upon circumstances permitting)

Make eye contact with drivers to let them know they have seen you and acknowledge courtesy from other drivers.

If you are cycling in a group, keep no more than two abreast. Don't clog up the whole fucking lane of the road so that no one can pass, especially when there are faster and more competent cyclists than you. Better still, keep in single file.

Keep in a straight line. Don't take fancy weaving manoeuvres and progressing in strange angles of a diagonal trajectory. Other people may want to pass you, be they other cyclists or motorists. Your actions could force others into a swerve and quite possibly crash, or even yourself to crash for trying to be a smart arse. And as a result, you deserve all the shit you get.

If you cycle at night, put some bloody lights on the bike. And I don't mean those shit flashy ones either, they are usually sold as secondary forms of lighting, NOT as primary. By this, you should get a proper headlight, and tail light. The headlight should be mounted on the handlebars, and angled in such a manner as to light up at least 3-4ft of road and not to cause glare to other road users. For optimum results, mount the light so that the angle can be changed slightly for road or off road use (more dipped downwards for light roads, dipped upwards to provide maximum spread of illumination down dark pathways). It is worth bearing in mind that a coat may cover up a tail light when mounted on a seat post, and in my case I have a ruck sack with a tail light mounted onto it – like a 'Eye Level Tail Light' on a car if you will. Even spoke lights aren't that much of a stupid idea too, as you can be easily seen coming out of junctions with being lit from a side on view.

For night time cycling, it may also be worth investing in luminous arm bands, especially useful for indicating a change in direction. Or maybe a 'high viz' jacket. Or SOMETHING of some form that is luminous to add to your person. Every bit of lighting or clothing helps. And NO, you won't look like a fucking berk – it's COMMON ROAD SENSE. An unlit bicycle is practically invisible at night, and many a night in a car I have shit myself when I've seen a cyclist appear from out of fucking nowhere. A person on a bicycle, versus even the smallest car like a Toyota IQ , Ford Ka, or Smart is indescribably narrow in comparison, even if you're a 17 stone 'Lardo-lith'.

On a shared path, give pedestrians notice and keep to the designated cycle lane on the path (if applicable) and be prepared to slow down, or perhaps stop. Pedestrians should also take note of their surroundings and not walk around in a daydream listening to shite on their mp3 players. More importantly, pedestrians should not play 'chicken' with a cyclist and try to be fucking clever either. In one instance, I hit a Chav who was trying to be clever, despite the fact I sounded the bell on my bike and actually shouted “Get out of the fucking way!”. I made sure he got an elbow to the head as I went down for his ignorance. I since went past the guy and he paid better attention next time around. I don't intend to sound like some mad cycling barbarian of course, but if you act like a tit then suffer the consequences.

Cycling mirrors are an excellent idea, and I have these fitted to my mountain bikes that I own. This may sound somewhat gooberish, but they can be a brilliant idea in busy town centre areas to aid negotiating through traffic and adding an extra point of visibility to the cyclist. In my case, I invested in a pair of Topeak Bar Ends which double up as mirors, that pop and swivel out like a Swiss Army Knife blade when needed and popped back in with the twist of a hand when traversing down very narrow pathways when they're not needed. This is dependant on personal preference but not something to be overlooked.

If you must take an mp3 player with you, then ensure that it's not too loud to impair your auditory senses on the road with hearing approaching traffic, and make sure that the earphones don't fall out - buy a pair of the 'hooked type' that go around the ear. Personally, a soundtrack can liven up a cycle journey but naturally it is safer to leave the mp3 player at home and I leave this to personal preference.

Safety wear is also worth taking into consideration (even though I sound like a hypocrite by not wearing a helmet). It's not exactly compulsory (as of yet), but this is down to personal preference and how brave/pessimistic/fearless you are feeling. I shall leave that to your own decision and discretion. Obviously, if you had an accident you would fare off better with correct safety wear.

If you are carrying shit around everywhere on your commute, try to ensure you have decent rucksack, or pannier arrangement. Don't, for the love of God's Tits carry stuff balanced precariously on the edges of the handlebars which could mess with your balance or stuff randomly strapped or sellotaped to your bike or yourself. You can cause yourself, and possibly others an accident if you do so. And, make sure the bags in question are properly sealed and zipped, so that they don't spill shit everywhere which could hit pedestrians, motorists, or other cyclists.

So, in conclusion – if you wish to join the 'Cycling Masses' that are seemingly 'in vogue' at the moment, then pay attention to my guidelines. Instead of being a twat and ruining it for the cycling majority. It only needs a handful of twats to cause an accident or mischief, and then we suffer with all sorts of crazy stupid fucking laws because of them. Learn something from it, for fucks sake.