Nonisphere

 

In recent news, there has been an online ‘whingey woo’ about Sonisphere cancelling.

 

To me, this comes as no real surprise and it’s something that I don’t really care  about. Hunker down, have a brew and a biscuit while I explain the reasons.

 

Over the years, I have seen many many bands. Probably a metric fuck tonne, or thereabouts; I’ve not really thought that much about it but it spans a time period of around 18 years so far. I have seen some bands at the height of their powers (Sepultura and Paradise Lost), and had the good fortune to see the last ever Pantera tour (with Powerman 5000 as support) in 2000 when they toured the ‘Reinventing The Steel’ album.

 

The line ups of both Download and Sonisphere have not really interested me as a result. The bands that I wish to see I’ve seen at least once, and the rest of the bands are just drivel or stuff that never interested me in the first place (such as the swarm of ‘has been’ hair metal bands that have decided to plague Download). This said, not everybody is as fussy as me, nor are they able to get time off work without too much question to attend a gig. For many, Download and such ‘Popular Metal’ fests like this are a very convenient ‘one stop shop’ to see a load of bands in one fell swoop. Naturally, this makes Download and Sonisphere very attractive for many.

 

However, in this current ‘Recession’ climate – not forgetting the fact that the UK is an island that has always been known for sweeping Metal under the carpet since the 1990s – I believe that in essence there just isn’t room for Download AND Sonisphere to exist. Check out the line ups for both, and do a comparison; practically they’re showcasing pretty much similar bands and you could often be forgiven for thinking that one festival is a carbon copy of the other. People can go and scream and shout from the hilltops that the likes of me who ‘looks down their nose' at these festivals are pure evil incarnate until the cows come home and bugger off again; it will not make any difference because the facts are there if you look hard enough. Not forgetting that the usual accusations are flying around (again) that I ‘hate everything’ which is far removed from the truth.

 

While we are on the subject, I also admit that (shock horror) I’ve never been to a festival. This may be perceived as being somewhat hypocritical but as I mentioned earlier I’ve seen pretty much all what I have wanted to see. Without the ‘attraction’ of living like a hobo or boy scout in a tent; with other ‘comrades’ smelling of urine and contracting dysentery, trench foot, and food poisoning from a salmonella infected burger. Combined with spiralling expensive that's enough to warrant re-mortgaginging a house is not my idea of a top weekend; decent bands or not. Every year, I see many people expressing trouser distorting joy over going to these festivals either in person or online; only to complain a few days later of sun burn, sun stroke, overloaded latrines created by Satan himself, and lastly vomiting at both ends of the body, vowing that they’ll never do it again. People never learn.

 

Many people also report that I can’t possibly be ‘Metulz’ enough to have never participated in a festival. To be frank, I call bullshit on this; usually the people that call me this are people who were either the twinkle in their father’s groin or where finger painting when I first starting liking Metal, and getting into the Metal and Goth scenes. When I first got into it all, it was at a time that pre-dates the Nu Metal or Art Quiff Twat bandwagons that we see today; and at the risk of sounding massively clichéd they were ‘proper times’ and ‘metal times’ [sic].

 

I admit that I do need to attend a festival, and the only one that suits me without the need for going abroad is attending Bloodstock. If I hadn’t have seen Carcass at Damnation Festival in Leeds along with Sigh, Electric Wizard and My Dying Bride (to name a few); I would have attended Bloodstock when Carcass were headlining a while back. Admittedly, the line up is very tempting (especially with Behemoth and Winterfylleth, which I absolutely adore) but even then there is the white elephant in the room that is Alice Cooper (why IS he there?). Another thing that I admit to is that I describe myself as ‘not portable’, as I like my creature comforts too much. Sometimes, I want to get back from a gig after being blotto and have a nice kip and chill out in familiar surroundings and my own bed – and the notion of 'slumming it' in a tent sounds very daunting and horrible, especially if the weather is really bad or very warm. Not forgetting that the cun....errrmmm 'friends' that you have gone with are probably making your stabbing hand itch, especially if one of them was perennially car sick, can't handle their booze or just generally acts like a dickhead and get themselves into trouble all the time. I bet when you go to these things you will miss your creature comforts, cappuccino maker, PC, and whatever else – go on, just admit it and level with me!

Finally, I'm more into the 'underground' scene of Metal, the notion of Sonisphere and Download feels far too mainstream. At the risk of sounding elitist, I miss the days when the 'Normalloes' didn't care for Metal and our music wasn't plastered all over Grand Theft Guitar Hero, Kerrang TV, and DAB radio stations. From what I've heard from friends and other sources, Download and Sonisphere are attracting far too many 'Normalloes', Hipsters, and other poseurs that just attend the event for 'a bit of a laugh' because Kerrang told them to do so, and all these games that have Metal tunes for soundtracks draw them in too. They're people that I'm not interested in and want to fraternise with – this completely puts me off entirely.

One day, I will attend Bloodstock or a metal festival that I believe is worth it – not some mainstream cobblers I care little for. It's on my 'bucket list'. It WILL be accomplished.

But I'd rather chop off my pork sword and fry it in garlic, than attend Download or Sonisphere. 

(Edit: Quantity of bands seen changed 'metric fuck tonne' by popular demand due to @Hostmorke of Twitter)

First and Last and Guns and Roses

Recently in the office, a work colleague had chosen upon the idea of changing the station on the DAB radio after listening to the coma inducing death by syrup that is Smooth Radio. In his infinite wisdom, he decided to change it to Absolute Classic Rock (said work colleague has a reasonably compatible music taste too, unlike the rest of the staff). As a result, there has been such delights like Faith No More, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd and a fair few aural gems show up too. So far, nobody has made a complaint and forced us to listen to 'Radio Cardigan' (Radio 2), or Absolute 80's; the latter I don't really mind but the playlist is rather samey and 'cheese based'.

All well and good, UNTIL I hear repeated mentions of Guns and Roses imminent tour; or rather, the 'Axl Rose Band' (and acquaintances that play on stage that think he's a tosser). This, has decided to stick in my craw a fair bit. It has got me thinking, and not it a good way. More of a piss, fire and vinegar sort of way in all honesty. It also brought up another band that shares similar parallels, which is the Sisters of Mercy. Now, you may wonder how this is so; make yourself a coffee or other beverage and lend me your ears, or rather, eyes.

Being the age that I am, I'm part of the younger age bracket that remembers Guns and Roses the first time around. I'm talking about the proper Guns and Roses; that had Duff and Slash as band members, not the shambling parody that we see and have the misfortune to hear today.

In the late 1980s/early 1990s, both bands were at the height of their powers despite being in two completely different sectors of rock music. Many people in our 'ethnic group' definitely had albums by both bands in their collections (or at least one or the other), and both bands had internal conflicts for one reason or another. In the case of Sisters of Mercy, half of the band members left and formed a band that to many people was instantly superior to that of the band they came from in the first place (take a bow, Mr Hussey), Slash made some pretty decent solo albums (for that sort of thing) and done some sterling work as the founding member of Velvet Revolver.

Both bands declined in popularity from 1993-1994 onwards to disappear from the radar due to conflicts with band members (the so called 'creative differences'), both releasing very iffy albums in the shape of 'Vision Thing', and 'The Spaghetti Incident' which tanked in comparison compared to their earlier and far superior works. One band still continued touring but were a shadow of their former selves and sounded dire in the live setting, while the other had disbanded entirely while the vocalist slowly disappeared up his pretentious ginger arse. Both, had lost fans and respect hand over fist.

The shared common denominator is this – A vocalist with a piss ant attitude who treats their fans like shit.

One band has caused numerous riots and pissed fans off, this has been so heavily documented to the point where it has been proof read until the eyes bleed. The other has a very pretentious attitude and distances themselves away from the Goth scene; a mere mention of Sisters of Mercy on a Goth forum causes a flurry of debate amongst the 'Proper Goths' venting they apocalyptic rage, shouting from the internet hilltops that they will never give that bastard a single penny ever again.

In my eyes, all of the above events has tarnished my respect for either of them; and in the case of Guns and Roses I fully admit that I was never really a fan of their stuff in the first place. They weren't shit by any sense of the definition, they just weren't my thing when I was getting into it all; the Hair Metal/Cock Rock/Glam Rock (delete where appropriate) 'scene' was getting a swift shit kicking by scores of bands in plaid shirts coming from Seattle, with the holy triumvirate of Vedder, Cornell, and Cobain leading the charge. I discovered Sisters of Mercy a couple of years later when I loaned a CD of theirs from the local library (when people went there for books to find information instead of Wikipedia, remember that?).

For reasons that are completely beyond me, Mr Eldritch still continues to tour shrouded in a sea of dry ice and alleged mystery. Mr Rose has sat on an album for over a decade and procrastinated like you wouldn't believe, finally releasing a polished dog turd to shut the cynics up. Just so he can say “Seeeeee? I did record an album, actually!”.

Then, horror of horrors – the slick haired record executives start thinking overtime. “Hey, these Playstation's are rather good. I found a mix tape of my Uncle's in the loft one night with a ghetto blaster, there's this really cool band on there called Guns and Roses.....Hey, let's put that music in our new Grand Theft Guitar Hero game! That's soooo sick, bro!”. A sea of proper rockers (and I don't mean these fakers wearing Ramones shirts and shit haircuts) collectively groaned and facepalmed in unison, like an industrial scale opposite of the Mexican wave while our scene gets pillaged for fashion tips and music to check out this season; sponsored by the lord saviour that is GAP. Because looking rock is really cool this season, you know?

The next minute, everybody is beating a path to Mr Roses door and demands that he tours. Slash and Duff are up for the good old times, but being the ginger ayatollah that he is – decides that they're to have none of it and I will form a line up of my own. It's okay though, the new found fan base formed of people that were single celled organisms (read: the twinkle of your fathers groin from the 1990s onwards) are too young to know any different. Happy days are here again, someone call my agent! And get me a triple motherfucking cheeseburger with super size fries and Dr Pepper, dammit! I AM AXL ROOOOOSE!

Despite the fact he tours again, the old piss ant attitude comes back once more. Reports come thick and fast that he's out pissing his fans off once more, and storming off the stage on many an occasion – this time with video proof to add weight to the negative stories doing the rounds. Yet, for reasons completely unknown people are STILL going to the gigs. Not that the band are any good anymore in my opinion, but despite showing up whenever he feels like or abandoning gigs entirely people STILL want to attend. Which to my minds eye just goes to show how moronic the bovine masses are. Ditto Sisters of Mercy, who are still intent on playing in a sea of dry ice droning away and have never been any good for the past 15 years at least and haven't recorded a proper album since 1990.

To be brutally honest about this, going to see any band that pisses their fans of is similar to being in an abusive relationship; you're treated like shit, continuously let down and continuously lied to but you're so much in awe of it all that not seeing the band would be a massive gaping hole in your crappy lives if you didn't see them. You would also have the nerve to say that it was the best band in the entire world, despite the fact they performed dreadfully or didn't even show up – HIM fans suffer from a similar delusion too; they were once good but ferociously disappoint live now. Not forgetting sticking up for them while everybody thinks they're an arsehole – yet again just like being in an abusive relationship. As far as I'm concerned, if you're in a band the fans pay your wages; biting the hand that feeds is a disasterous move.

In short, all the evidence is out there with regards to how bad both bands are nowadays, and how good they once were. Sadly, most of these 'fans' are too young to any better and will blindly attend either a Sisters of Mercy gig, or Guns and Roses gig (definitely so with the latter, without question). At times, with all this revival of this, that and the bloody other just goes to show that being remotely inventive appears to have died a long time ago while the bovine masses chow down on their endless sea of retro bullshit. Anyone old enough to know better or have a gramme of common sense now avoid seeing either band and have sold their faded Guns and Roses shirts for £45 for a tidy fee to some art quiffed scenster twat. Ditto Sisters of Mercy; granted they will show up but the gothic air and mystery as seen on the music videos has long gone and the gig will be a total disappointment, opinions vary.

To conclude – good luck with seeing either band, especially the 'Axl Rose Band'. I look forward to all the bitching and whining they didn't show up or when Axl walks off in a huff. You have no hope, and a lobotomy is too good for you.