I can do music reviews, me...

At times, I often think to myself why the hell do I bother with a blog. More importantly, who on earth reads my inane babble? My blog was originally a continuation of my works from the 'death' of Myspace, the newly crowned 'ghost town' of social networking sites (with Google+ becoming a close second). Back in the day, I had many people reading them and Myspace was also cool – a fun and inventive way of social networking that wasn't as mundane and dull as Facebook, not forgetting I made many new friends in real life via it (and some enemies along the way).

Basically, I use a blogger as a bit of a 'brain vent'; it can be a cathartic experience to have a good old chill out and bash away at the keyboard to bring forth my often ham fisted thoughts online for all to see if they so desired. It's hardly a new thing, and on the basis of what I read online I'm far from being alone. In fact, I often find many enjoyable blogs to read – be they technical blogs, random thoughts and opinions, whatever. There's a lot to be said for the medium of the free and independent press that makes a refreshing change from what the TV and newspapers force down the necks of the blissfully ignorant and stupid, who wish to feed their brain on the empty calories of shitty gossip magazines about irritating celebrities and other shite. To read such things is fuelling ignorance, stupidity, and herd conformity as far as I'm concerned, and you're probably inclined to agree.

Anyway...

One night, I get a direct message from a follower overseas on Twitter – a message that made me fall over in shock. Turns out, there's a guy in Holland that rather likes what I write and is an avid follower of my works. Said guy actually owned his own music review website and had a team of independent writers reviewing rock and metal albums from all over the globe; South Africa, America, Britain, and Finland – to name a few places. This guy, wanted me to become a part of THEIR team.

I have a couple of friends who also do this, and I wonder how on Earth they got the 'job'. Turns out, that they were contacted in a similar manner and even interviewed band members and got other perks such as a free pass to a festival as long as they reviewed it. Nice work, I thought to myself. Eventually, the site closed BUT they amalgamated with a far bigger website that has a massive worldwide audience and my 'employer' became one of the editors for their site.

The perks are that you get free music, as long as you write a review about. Alas, it's not paid work and is of a voluntary basis – but, most Goths and Metalheads worth their salt are very passionate about their scene and those who have a very good sense of English language and literature will find that reviewing albums a very cathartic and enjoyable thing to do. Although, I haven't been entirely immune from writer's block with some bands of course. You are also helping to promote your scene and the independent, free thinking press. How often have you read about something, where you feel you could have done better and feel they have got it entirely wrong? I'm willing to wager probably more times that you've had hot dinners if you're and intelligent person like myself.

Many of these websites are crying out for more staff as they're drowning in promo albums, for example fellow writers have had stuff like the latest Paradise Lost, Burzum, and Meshuggah albums to review. In my case, I was delighted to receive and review Wodensthrone's latest album 'Curse' – which is an absolute essential and I urge anyone to buy if if they like Black Metal like I do. Not forgetting discovering new and interesting bands you may like. If you're up to it, send them an email asking if they want a new recruit. If they're after staff, they will ask you to write a test review for them to check out. If you do well, you get the job. Simple as that.

Alas, I wish this was my PAID job. But who knows? Maybe I might get recruited to write for a magazine one day? Never say never.

To conclude this blog, here is the 'test review' I wrote.

(Credits: To Ray, all the staff and readers who write for ThisIsNotAScene)

Esoteric – Paragon of Dissonance **TEST REVIEW**

There are many bands that are part of the Doom Metal genre, from the more accessible works of Cathedral post 'The Ethereal Mirror', Candlemass with their melancholy and the soaring vocals of Messiah Marcolin in their heyday, and the sadly defunct Colosseum with its slow and methodical catchy flavour of Doom.

But out of them all, one that stands out to my ears is Esoteric, a band that certainly doesn't do anything by halves; often making 2 CD/LP long opuses that can (especially with their earlier albums) be extremely suffocating, dizzying, and mind warping to listen to. There truly isn't anything quite like them and a real challenge to all but the most committed extreme metal fan.

This album, follows in the same path – but I feel with a refinement that has improved from the 'Subconscious Dissolution Into The Continuum' album onwards, and also spans over two CD/LP's just like their previous output. In fact, I believe that if there was a parallel universe where Funeral Doom somehow replaced Prog Rock then Esoteric would be said parallel universes version of Pink Floyd's earlier works – large, comprehensive, spiralling, and enveloping the listener in a bottomless but aurally attractive form of darkness that certainly lives up to the Funeral Doom tag, and then some. If you are after a simple 'bish bash bosh' 30 minute album that departs as quickly as it leaves, it will not be found with Esoteric's work.

The opening track, 'Abandonment' is a perfect case in point. Slow, lumbering riffs with conjure up a sense of melancholy that envelops the listener but in a more 'ear friendly' manner that can be heard on 'The Maniacal Vale'; in fact I find it to be a track that covers it all for me and ticks all the boxes – emotive and mind blowing solos to full on speaker destroying chuggerama's and one that I can't stop playing over and over.

The rest of the album takes dramatic, and dizzying turns that sound like an icy black dirge – notably found in the track 'Loss of Will', which truly does sound like the track does indeed 'Lose The Will' on many levels, but obviously not in a bad way. 'Cipher' picks it up a notch and changes gear with some faster riffing and some much needed stomp which ends in a sea of distortion, fading out like a violent tropical storm. 'None Being' comes into view, with a near tranquil swathe of synths, which starts on the same path of speeding up, and slowing down to an near perceptible crawl which in its own right can be a difficult track to swallow which then ends in a stuttering stop.

The 2^nd CD contains just three tracks which clock in on an average of 15 minutes a piece and continue in the same dizzying fashion, slowing, ebbing, draining, speeding it up a notch and then creeping to a point where it feels as slow as natural land erosion – such is the expansive span that is stretched into and crammed into the tracks. 'Disconsolate' starts with the same dreamlike state similar to 'None Being', that breaks into a double bass thump and soaring guitar solos, slowing down and then stunning the listener by striding back with a bludgeon. Lastly, 'A Torrent of Ills' drags on in a slow plodding manner making the listener thinking they've been listening to the album for an eternity, to fade out in a mesmeric swirl that sounds like planets imploding in slow motion.

If you're already a fan of Esoteric and have purchased 'The Maniacal Vale', then this will slot in perfectly as a perfect companion in your album rack. To my ears, it's possibly a micron short of the brilliance of the previous album – but it's something that is barely measurable to point excessive criticism. If you're willing to take the plunge with Funeral Doom after not having any prior experience of the genre, then you can't go wrong with Esoteric – closely followed by Colosseum. Buy it, find a quiet moment with no distraction in the day and let it take over. You won't be disappointed.

A Eulogy to '@AsdaCurrySauce' on Twitter

Recently, a gaping black hole and large dent has been left on Twitter since the untimely demise of the @AsdaCurrySauce user account.

To those not in the know, someone or something (or a group of people or ‘somethings’) had created a surreal Twitter account singing the praises of the budget curry sauce. The only way it could be described, is the strange ramblings of a mad man (or men, or even people) with what appeared to be an unhealthy fixation with a lowly jar of curry sauce. Or, quite possibly, the sentient musings of a jar of curry sauce that had possessed a so called scribe to express itself all over the internet like the Stanley Unwin tribute account. Maybe it was a group of students, or ex students that lived off jars of the stuff back in the day due to the astonishingly cheap price of 19 pence (it also used the hashtag of ‘#19p’ to infiltrate Twitter and trend itself - it has since doubled in price to 39p due to inflation I assume). It may even have been created by a current or ex-Asda employee. However it came to existence is entirely unclear and only known by its creator(s) and I believe that one of the people responsible may still be following me on Twitter.

Origins aside, this was a highly amusing character on Twitter that gathered approximately 5000+ followers since its inception. I also had the good fortune to be mutually followed by this entity and we both enjoyed each others ramblings, which was an absolute honour and of more importance than being followed by an actual living and breathing celebrity. The humour involved was a surreal variety that was an acquired taste (no pun intended), a type of humour that was undeniably British and of a somewhat Monty Python flavour. Fortunately, its presence has been burned indelibly into the internet and traces of its history still remain.

Here are some snippets to demonstrate its glorious ramblings:

~

"How to spot an Asda Curry Sauce fan: 1. Frantic weeping 2. Drastic blood flow to genitals 3. Rainbow eyes 4. Hovering Jesus 5. Randy shadow"

"'Hi Jane, I can't make Zumba. The kids gave me Asda Curry Sauce for Mother's Day and now when I look in the mirror, there's nothing there.'"

" 'HI Hugo, I can't make drinks. I just had some Asda Curry Sauce and now there's a bounty on my head because my guts are so valuable.' #19p"

"IN OUR NEW ADVERT, A RANDY KRIS AKABUSI RIDES A HOVER NAAN AND FIRES ASDA CURRY SAUCE AT A CUNNING POPPADOMASAURUS ON THE PLANET BASMATI."

 "If you basted your body in Asda Curry Sauce, people around you would collapse into lust piles and this would make your commute much quicker."

 "Just to reassure fans, the man who had a year-long orgasm after tasting Asda Curry Sauce has now replenished all lost liquids. #watchdog"

" IN OUR NEW ADVERT, AN UNHINGED AINSLEY HARRIOTT DRESSES AS A QUEEN BEE AND ORDERS HIS CONCERNED FAMILY TO LAVISH HIM WITH FOOD AND GIFTS."

 "Some people enjoy Asda Curry Sauce propped against a wall, mouthing song lyrics to their crying reflection in the smudged television screen."

"You could pour Asda Curry Sauce into a handbag before bed and when you wake, a holy shaft of light will be bellowing all the way to heaven."

~

Unfortunately, over the past couple of months it appears that Asda had been applying the thumbscrews on this account as numerous subtle account name changes had been noted and it was clearly mentioned that the account was by no means affiliated with the Asda brand. I personally believe that the account generated some positive PR for the company, and probably helped to shift more jars of their budget curry sauce to more people due to this Twitter account. I hold the belief that ANY PR good or bad is still nevertheless PR and helps to get someone or something even more recognition. Put it this way, Countess Bastardo bought a jar of it as a joke due to me going on about this Twitter account all the time. Turns out, that it tasted truly amazing and I tweeted something in its honour that went along the lines of:

“Had some ‘@AsdaCurrySauce’, chicken, rice, and wedges for tea. Now I can see through time and I’m speaking to Jimi Hendrix on my Tele Box”

This pleased it, and became one of its favourite tweets. We have since bought more jars of the stuff and currently think it’s one of the best budget food products ever made. If this isn’t an instance of positive PR, then quite frankly I don’t know what is. Before it’s disappearance, it was also clear that it was far from running out of amusing ramblings to tweet about – Asda threatening some form of legal action obviously killed it off

Personally, I believe Asda have missed a trick here down to one or perhaps a group of humourless people working for the place. The possibilities could have been endless, such as a small series of surreal and bizarre late night adverts demonstrating the virtues of the budget curry sauce brand which would have benefited the coffers of both its creators and Asda themselves. This could have been cult viewing, and gained even more fans and would have made for at least one example of a glorious collaboration that could have gone super viral. Alas, it was not to be.

In the Bastardo household, Friday tea time is a special event as it’s always declared as ‘Curry Friday’. I will have a jar of Asda Curry Sauce, chicken, and rice in its honour. I only hope that you will do the same.

RIP ‘@AsdaCurrySauce’. The Twitterverse will never be the same again. You brightened up our cigarette breaks, lunch times, and bored internet procrastination – gone, but by no means ever forgotten.

Instagram versus Vignette: The Satirical Verses

This week, users of Android phones now have the privilege to install one of the iPhone's 'killer apps' in the form of Instagram, a relatively simple photo manipulation tool that turns your pictures into something that your Granddad or Uncle may have taken back in the 1970s/1980s using an Instamatic, Box Brownie, or Polaroid camera. Originally, this was an iPhone only app – but now users of thy holy 'Cult of the Divine Green Robot' can now join in the fun that was originally the exclusive club of 'The Jobsian Disciples'.

Needless to say, this has really pissed a lot of people off who are users of the divine fruity speaking tube. The interwebs have been set alight with flame wars, citing that Instagram has now gone to the dogs because 'The Android Infidels' are messing the place up with poor quality images and slowing the Instagram servers down with high levels of traffic generated by the runaway success of the Android version of the app,

The notion that Android users have poor quality cameras and mainly use lower to mid specification handsets is a theory that has more holes than a warehouse stuffed with Swiss Cheese (and stinks like one too). The likes of such image improving apps was born from the fact that the earlier iPhone models before the 4 and 4S had pretty terrible cameras compared to the competition. 

 

For example, the 3GS only has a 3 megapixel camera with no flash, while rival Android models of a similar vintage like the HTC Desire and Wildfire had 5 megapixel cameras armed with a flash just to name two examples of older Android handsets. Even something as lowly as a Samsung Galaxy Mini has a similar specification camera to what the 3GS has for a mere £80, while another 'low end' phone like the Galaxy Ace has 5megapixel with flash, ditto the ZTE Blade II. In fact, when the first iPhone came out the camera on the Nokia N95 was far superior and kicked it to the kerb in terms of image quality.

So, even with budget Android handsets like these – they're better than the iPhone 3GS and cost significantly less. So, boom goes the inane theory that 'The Android Infidels' are messing their servers up with poor quality images. Now that we have squashed that myth, lets move onto comparing the Instagram app, and Vignette.

Instagram:

Since October 2010, Instagram developed an insane cult following of over 30million users and was one of the most successful apps ever created for the iOS platform. Obviously, the creators of the app decided that the coffers had probably peaked and reached a glass ceiling. Rather than be a one trick pony catering for an exclusively iPhone only app, the creators decided on creating an Android version which opens the market up to the lucrative 49% of users they weren't originally catering for.

In the space of a few days, it has been a runaway success which will now multiply the user base exponentially to hundreds of millions of users worldwide. Which will obviously benefit Messrs Systrom and Krieger, and their crew of employees aboard SS Instagram Inc no end. Good for them.

With all the current 'hoo haa' that's been going on because of this news, I've decided that I too want a slice of the 'poseur pie' for tasting. To see what the massive fuss is about these posts I see on social networking sites; filled with ethereal and nostalgic coloured pictures of people's pets, trees, breakfast, some girls tits, and God knows whatever else people want to 'retro-nise' and post for all the slack jawed social network gawkers to distort and spluff their trousers over.

I installed it the previous night, during a point where I got bored of looking at the PC. After a bit of fiddling, I found that the app had a somewhat 'Fisher Price' quality and was rather simplistic compared to Vignette. In fact, it only had something like 18-20 pre-set effects that had no further scope for fine tuning – but the good thing about the app is the fact that results can be obtained instantly whereas Vignette does require the user to work at it; but the results with Vignette due to the comprehensive options available can be mind-blowing for the new user.

Assuming that I probably missed a load of menu's out the previous night, I tried again during my lunch hour in work to ensure I left no stone unturned; there definitely weren't any more options to play with. To be honest, the app is a typical example that follows the minimal design of Apple software and hardware – to just do something without too much fuss or worry, and don't sweat over the complex stuff because we told you to do so – no follow up questions will be answered. Also, the notion of it being a 'social networking community' so that you can share your artistic works with utter randoms is something that doesn't appeal to me. Face it, I have Facebook, Twitter, a (criminally underused and far superior) Google+ and now I have Tumblr as I wanted to see what the fuss was about with that. I'll just post my works using those platforms (if I so desired) and let that be the be all and end all of the matter perhaps; I spend too much time indoors on PC's cultivating a 'Hackers Tan' as it is, thank you very much!

In short, the user base of Android haven't missed anything at all (especially if you're using Vignette); and will probably fail to understand the fuss like myself who doesn't subscribe to 'The Jobsian Cult'. The only users it may benefit are probably the ex-iPhone users that migrated to Android, and had fond memories of using it.

Vignette:

Now, HERE is the killer app. Vignette is probably one of the best ones that's worth getting an Android handset for. The features are long and comprehensive, that cover various aspects of old camera emulation such as 'Toy Camera', 'SX-70'. Black and White, Sepia, Cross Process, Tinted Monochrome, Pastel Colours, Lens Flares, Colour Flares, various grain and frames – pretty much too long to list.

Once you have sat down with it and had a good look at the settings and experimented, some amazing results can be achieved. There are two versions, the free one only shoots in 5 megapixel maximum with some slight feature limiting, while the full blown version enables you to use the full megapixel rating of your phone's camera in question.

If you find the choice bewildering, there's even a random 'lucky bag' option that picks a combination of random effects so that one picture is never the same as the next one you take. Like Instagram, an existing picture can be dragged into the app and altered at will, and you can save pictures as you go along if you do a particularly nice shot and wish to keep the original intact. Border and print effects can be applied too, that turn the image into various retro picture sizes to emulate a Polaroid with film effects like Portra, Velvia and Ilford which work very well indeed.

The pictures posted in this blog speak for themselves, as an A to B comparison. In fact, if I was an iPhone owner and  was showed this app running on an Android rival owned by a friend I'd be pretty red faced and embarrassed by my phone – or like some iThing owners argue the toss quoting a load of bullshit and believing your own lies about your phone being allegedly superior.

The £500,000 question is: I wonder if there will be even more of an outcry if the app was ever created for WinPhone users or Blackberry? Somehow, I feel that some iPurists out there will now desert the app and try to find something that's 'iExclusive'; because their fruity little club has now been 'sullied' by 'The Android Unwashed'. Sad thing is, many apps have been ported to the Android platform and I don't recall anybody being so vociferous in the past when this occurred. 

 

The ultimate bottom line is that Messrs Systrom and Krieger have a business to run, and to put bread on the table. As a result, it may come as a shock to iBores that they're not their friends who have betrayed them by making an Android version – they're out to make money. I only wished I had the 'Epiphany From The Gods'/'Eureka Moment' to make hipsters part with their cash for an app that emulates the results of a camera that you would find in your parents loft. I might not be into the app that much, but good on them and I wish the creators well.

Bastardo’s Android Phone Battery Tips:

 

The humble Android phone. Brilliant, aren’t they? A veritable Swiss army knife of a device with GPS, mp3 playback, video playback to double up as a mini TV, internet access in your pocket, game machine – the list truly goes on. In fact, far better than the iPhone which just appears to tread water in comparison to the cutting edge Android phones that are available (The Galaxy S2 had a dual core processor before the iPhone 4/4S ever did). People won’t look at you and think you're a pretentious cockwomble either, which is an added bonus. Anyway, I do digress.

 

But - they’re cursed with poor battery life.

 

 

Manufacturers seem to cram all sorts of features into their phones, but they don’t appear to be making much progress in battery technology. As little as 4 years back, a phone only needed a couple of charges a week; even my Blackberry Bold 9700 could make 2.5-3 days absolutely hammering it (which I sometimes miss, especially for battery life).

 

 

However, all is not lost. Read on, and discover how you can get by as best as you can:

 

 

Spare batteries:

Carrying an emergency or spare battery sounds like a pain, but you will have the last laugh versus Mr or Miss Fancy Pants with their iPhone who can’t change their battery. After market or genuine ones are available from the usual sources, even better if you buy a special charger that charges the spare cell independently of the phone – so that you have one in your phone while the knackered battery is on charge. They’re usually a universal battery cell charger that can charge camera batteries, with movable pins to cater for many different types. Or a phone dock that can be left near your desktop PC that can be linked to your USB socket for syncing, that can charge a spare battery and the phone at the same time.

  

 

Extended batteries do exist that are double the power, in the case of the Galaxy S2 you can buy a 3500mAh (normal capacity is 1650mAh) that has a thicker base back to take the larger battery cell which doesn’t add too much bulk due to the larger screen and general size. They exist for other Android models, and can stretch your battery life to every other day, or last an entire day if you went stupid with it and had full brightness, GPS, Video, Gaming, and everything but the kitchen sink running at once.

 (Normal battery and extended battery comparison pics: Narrower is 1650mAh stock battery. thicker is the 3500mAh extended. Charge time: 3hrs for 1650mAh, 4hrs for 3500mAh. Width is only increased by just over by approximately half a centimetre or so. Actually feels better to handle and not as cumbersome as you would think)

 

Don’t do top up charges:

This is a blanket rule that covers ALL mobile phones. Far too many people do top up charges, which can make things worse. Where I work, there are 100+ mobile phones, ranging from Blackberry, boring common garden Nokia’s, a few boring Samsung B2100 ‘tough phones’, and one or two iPhone’s. A common problem is many of the sales and engineering staff bringing them back complaining that the battery life is poor. This has been resolved by letting the phone run down to the point where it shuts down entirely, and then giving it a full and decent charge overnight – 9 times out of 10 the phone has then behaved perfectly.

 

The culprit is 'top up charging', especially with charging the phone using a car kit. These devices are never as reliable as sticking the phone on the house mains to charge up, and people are usually only in their cars for an hour or two and they feel a needless compulsion to charge it up – when the battery life has been pretty much fine and can make the rest of the day; the original intention was to be used as a ‘just in case’ charger. Lithium Ion power cells are supposed to be able to deal with top up charges, and don’t have the ‘memory effect’ problem associated with Ni-Cad (Nickel Cadnium) that required the cell to be discharged of power before recharging (as seen in older taped based Camcorders). In my experience, the newer Lithium Ion cells do have problems occasionally and benefit greatly from running down to nothing and giving a good old charge.

 

In short, try running it down to nothing and give it a good belt of ‘lekky’.

PART TWO: EXTENDING EXISTING BATTERY LIFE

(Power savings and APN widget.  The 2nd to top bar has controls for Wi-Fi, brightness, bluetooth, 'screen lit' duration', GPS, data synchronisation, and power save/system power save* on/off. APN on/off is above the applications icon)
(*the latter is on Android 2.3.5 and above for Samsung TouchWiz. Phones may vary slightly)

(Power saving menu, showing 'System Power Saving' which slows processor speed. Has the effect of making the phone less smoother in operation but extends battery life significantly)

Power Savings and APN Widget:

This is a very effective desktop widget that gives a quick 'at a glance' panel to switch various functions off without delving deep into the menu system of the phone.

The 'desktop widget' gives the ability to knock off certain functions, or turn them down to minimal settings: Wi-fi on/off, brightness, screen lit time, Bluetooth, GPS, and lastly Sync that gives you synchronisation to the Google server for email, Twitter, and Facebook notifications. If you have Android 2.3.5 you will also have the option of 'system power saving' (below the 'Sync' tab, click to enter) that will slow down the processor speed of the phone (making menu functions and screen swaps slightly jerky on an S2, but no adverse effects were noticed on the Galaxy Note which has a quicker processor). I have found this to really make the phone last out despite compromising the smoothness of operation slightly, it is well worth the trade off if you switch it into this during work hours when you shouldn't really be using it.

The biggest killers of battery life I have noticed so far are GPS tagging of Tweets/Facebook and Google+ stati, or for using GPS for sat-nav purposes and direction finding. Followed by excessive screen brightness (which can be turned right down if you're in a building, or left on 'Auto' brightness), leaving Bluetooth on needlessly, and leaving 3G/HSPDA enabled for internet access. It is also worth installing an APN widget that severs data connection, which may sound like defeating the object of a smart phone but when you're just using the phone for mainly texting and making calls (like a mobile phone should be), then 3G/HPSDA isn't needed to conduct a phone call or text. I have even had a double capacity battery (usually intended to last two days) expire in slightly under a day when I 'geo-tagged' a load of tweets while going on holiday.

 (Settings menu, showing the 'sync interval' - this can be altered so that it asks for information less often and save battery life)

During work days and hours, I choose to mainly have data connections off using the APN widget and enabling it when I need to check Twitter or other form of internet usage and switching it off once done. This also has the effect of reducing how much data your phone is 'eating' all the time which can also save money, as many people have data caps on their bill which can easily run up excessive data charges. When I go home, the APN is off and I choose to fish all the data the phone needs via Wi-Fi; which is quicker in my case with having a fibre optic broadband collection and 802.1n wireless access which is infinitely quicker than the 3G/HSPDA on my phone. It is also worth checking the settings of applications like Twitter and Facebook for how often they report back for information, having the phone ask for information far too often can reduce battery life further and is worth having a play around with as an experiment.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket:

It's all very well having a phone that doubles up as a TV, tunes player, sat nav, and God knows whatever else. People arrogantly assume that their device must do everything exceptionally well, but to be honest I feel a smart phone is a jack of all trades and a master of none, they're all just a phone and the rest of the gubbins are a bonus. Smart phones are pretty damn awesome pieces of technology (especially with the dual core processor models like the HTC Sensation and Galaxy S2), but when you have it playing your music back, camera, tweeting this and that, video playback and so on it is obvious to see that something is going to give, in the quest for multi functionality and minimalism. Which is obviously going to have a large effect on your battery life. All these smart phones as far as I'm concerned, have got a long way to go to be a multi purpose device where you can leave a load of things at home and take a magical one solution device, the battery life just isn't up to it.

Are you a keen photographer? Then carry a camera around that will always be far superior than a phone

Like listening to load of music and watching films? Stick with a purpose built mp3 or mp4 player like an Archos, Cowon, or (if you really have to) an iPod/iPod Touch.

It makes common sense when you think about it. Also, if your phone breaks you have lost your mp3 player, camera, and sat nav if you rely solely on it for every single thing.

A phone is a primary communication tool that can dig you out of a load of trouble. Imagine the problems you would have if you just took only the phone in your weekend bag - performing all of the above tasks and  ran out of power in an emergency situation, or worse still lost the handset and got lost in a foreign town? At least if you kept your phone to mostly being a phone, then you wouldn't be up shit creek without a paddle.

After all, you wouldn't go applying a hacksaw to your TV and DVD combo in your bedroom just to improve the DVD player. Use a separate DVD player and TV!

Custom ROM (for the brave and/or super geeky):

Finally, the last resort here is for the BRAVE amongst us. Installing a Custom ROM on a phone is a lot like 'jailbreaking' an iPhone (but Google aren't really arsed about you doing it). The process is called 'rooting', where you unlock all the phones functionality from the factory settings giving you the power as 'root user' where you can do whatever the hell you wanted to it. 

Custom features are often built in that normally the phone wouldn't be able to do, such as overclocking/underclocking of the processor (like a desktop PC) to make the phone work quicker than what it was intended to do, or work slower to improve battery life and a whole bunch of other features too long to list. The most famous example is Cyanogen, who have highly specialised programming teams making Custom ROMs for many Android handsets (visit the Cyanogen website, and watch some YouTube videos to see examples of their work in action). These have the benefit of ridding the phone of various crappy programmes or user interfaces that are slapped onto certain phones (such as HTC Sense, or the TouchWiz interface seen on Samsung branded Android handsets).

The main bonus of a Custom ROM is also to breathe life into an old phone and run a newer and more improved version of Android. One example I have seen is the original Galaxy S which on earlier models only left the factory with Éclair (Android 2.1) running Ice Cream Sandwich (Android 4.0), Samsung argue blind that this phone is not capable of doing such a thing, but there is outstanding evidence that proves otherwise. Obviously down to the fact that will make some people think twice about buying a Galaxy Nexus S when they can customise it themselves to run the latest version of Android (installing a Custom ROM can invalidate your warranty, so don't blame me if you turn your handset into an expensive paperweight).

So, that pretty much covers it, Those tips should pretty much cover most Android phone users.

Lastly, here's a screen grab of Juice Plotter showing a normal days use. The usage entails 30 mins of listening to music via a set of Bluetooth A2DP earphones (Sony Ericsson HBH-DS205's which also double up as a hands free mic, a snip at £19 on eBay) when I commute to work, 30-45 mins of calls after 1900hrs, and around 20 text messages, and some internet usage during work hours. The yellow parts of the graph denote internet, text and phone usage while the red curve shows returning home and having the phone access and synchronise online via Wi-Fi. You will also notice that the battery barely falls when inactive (during the curves that are only coloured green). This is on the stock 1650mAh battery, and the 3500mAh that I own effectively doubles the life of this (which I shall post for a future blog).

Nonisphere

 

In recent news, there has been an online ‘whingey woo’ about Sonisphere cancelling.

 

To me, this comes as no real surprise and it’s something that I don’t really care  about. Hunker down, have a brew and a biscuit while I explain the reasons.

 

Over the years, I have seen many many bands. Probably a metric fuck tonne, or thereabouts; I’ve not really thought that much about it but it spans a time period of around 18 years so far. I have seen some bands at the height of their powers (Sepultura and Paradise Lost), and had the good fortune to see the last ever Pantera tour (with Powerman 5000 as support) in 2000 when they toured the ‘Reinventing The Steel’ album.

 

The line ups of both Download and Sonisphere have not really interested me as a result. The bands that I wish to see I’ve seen at least once, and the rest of the bands are just drivel or stuff that never interested me in the first place (such as the swarm of ‘has been’ hair metal bands that have decided to plague Download). This said, not everybody is as fussy as me, nor are they able to get time off work without too much question to attend a gig. For many, Download and such ‘Popular Metal’ fests like this are a very convenient ‘one stop shop’ to see a load of bands in one fell swoop. Naturally, this makes Download and Sonisphere very attractive for many.

 

However, in this current ‘Recession’ climate – not forgetting the fact that the UK is an island that has always been known for sweeping Metal under the carpet since the 1990s – I believe that in essence there just isn’t room for Download AND Sonisphere to exist. Check out the line ups for both, and do a comparison; practically they’re showcasing pretty much similar bands and you could often be forgiven for thinking that one festival is a carbon copy of the other. People can go and scream and shout from the hilltops that the likes of me who ‘looks down their nose' at these festivals are pure evil incarnate until the cows come home and bugger off again; it will not make any difference because the facts are there if you look hard enough. Not forgetting that the usual accusations are flying around (again) that I ‘hate everything’ which is far removed from the truth.

 

While we are on the subject, I also admit that (shock horror) I’ve never been to a festival. This may be perceived as being somewhat hypocritical but as I mentioned earlier I’ve seen pretty much all what I have wanted to see. Without the ‘attraction’ of living like a hobo or boy scout in a tent; with other ‘comrades’ smelling of urine and contracting dysentery, trench foot, and food poisoning from a salmonella infected burger. Combined with spiralling expensive that's enough to warrant re-mortgaginging a house is not my idea of a top weekend; decent bands or not. Every year, I see many people expressing trouser distorting joy over going to these festivals either in person or online; only to complain a few days later of sun burn, sun stroke, overloaded latrines created by Satan himself, and lastly vomiting at both ends of the body, vowing that they’ll never do it again. People never learn.

 

Many people also report that I can’t possibly be ‘Metulz’ enough to have never participated in a festival. To be frank, I call bullshit on this; usually the people that call me this are people who were either the twinkle in their father’s groin or where finger painting when I first starting liking Metal, and getting into the Metal and Goth scenes. When I first got into it all, it was at a time that pre-dates the Nu Metal or Art Quiff Twat bandwagons that we see today; and at the risk of sounding massively clichéd they were ‘proper times’ and ‘metal times’ [sic].

 

I admit that I do need to attend a festival, and the only one that suits me without the need for going abroad is attending Bloodstock. If I hadn’t have seen Carcass at Damnation Festival in Leeds along with Sigh, Electric Wizard and My Dying Bride (to name a few); I would have attended Bloodstock when Carcass were headlining a while back. Admittedly, the line up is very tempting (especially with Behemoth and Winterfylleth, which I absolutely adore) but even then there is the white elephant in the room that is Alice Cooper (why IS he there?). Another thing that I admit to is that I describe myself as ‘not portable’, as I like my creature comforts too much. Sometimes, I want to get back from a gig after being blotto and have a nice kip and chill out in familiar surroundings and my own bed – and the notion of 'slumming it' in a tent sounds very daunting and horrible, especially if the weather is really bad or very warm. Not forgetting that the cun....errrmmm 'friends' that you have gone with are probably making your stabbing hand itch, especially if one of them was perennially car sick, can't handle their booze or just generally acts like a dickhead and get themselves into trouble all the time. I bet when you go to these things you will miss your creature comforts, cappuccino maker, PC, and whatever else – go on, just admit it and level with me!

Finally, I'm more into the 'underground' scene of Metal, the notion of Sonisphere and Download feels far too mainstream. At the risk of sounding elitist, I miss the days when the 'Normalloes' didn't care for Metal and our music wasn't plastered all over Grand Theft Guitar Hero, Kerrang TV, and DAB radio stations. From what I've heard from friends and other sources, Download and Sonisphere are attracting far too many 'Normalloes', Hipsters, and other poseurs that just attend the event for 'a bit of a laugh' because Kerrang told them to do so, and all these games that have Metal tunes for soundtracks draw them in too. They're people that I'm not interested in and want to fraternise with – this completely puts me off entirely.

One day, I will attend Bloodstock or a metal festival that I believe is worth it – not some mainstream cobblers I care little for. It's on my 'bucket list'. It WILL be accomplished.

But I'd rather chop off my pork sword and fry it in garlic, than attend Download or Sonisphere. 

(Edit: Quantity of bands seen changed 'metric fuck tonne' by popular demand due to @Hostmorke of Twitter)

First and Last and Guns and Roses

Recently in the office, a work colleague had chosen upon the idea of changing the station on the DAB radio after listening to the coma inducing death by syrup that is Smooth Radio. In his infinite wisdom, he decided to change it to Absolute Classic Rock (said work colleague has a reasonably compatible music taste too, unlike the rest of the staff). As a result, there has been such delights like Faith No More, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd and a fair few aural gems show up too. So far, nobody has made a complaint and forced us to listen to 'Radio Cardigan' (Radio 2), or Absolute 80's; the latter I don't really mind but the playlist is rather samey and 'cheese based'.

All well and good, UNTIL I hear repeated mentions of Guns and Roses imminent tour; or rather, the 'Axl Rose Band' (and acquaintances that play on stage that think he's a tosser). This, has decided to stick in my craw a fair bit. It has got me thinking, and not it a good way. More of a piss, fire and vinegar sort of way in all honesty. It also brought up another band that shares similar parallels, which is the Sisters of Mercy. Now, you may wonder how this is so; make yourself a coffee or other beverage and lend me your ears, or rather, eyes.

Being the age that I am, I'm part of the younger age bracket that remembers Guns and Roses the first time around. I'm talking about the proper Guns and Roses; that had Duff and Slash as band members, not the shambling parody that we see and have the misfortune to hear today.

In the late 1980s/early 1990s, both bands were at the height of their powers despite being in two completely different sectors of rock music. Many people in our 'ethnic group' definitely had albums by both bands in their collections (or at least one or the other), and both bands had internal conflicts for one reason or another. In the case of Sisters of Mercy, half of the band members left and formed a band that to many people was instantly superior to that of the band they came from in the first place (take a bow, Mr Hussey), Slash made some pretty decent solo albums (for that sort of thing) and done some sterling work as the founding member of Velvet Revolver.

Both bands declined in popularity from 1993-1994 onwards to disappear from the radar due to conflicts with band members (the so called 'creative differences'), both releasing very iffy albums in the shape of 'Vision Thing', and 'The Spaghetti Incident' which tanked in comparison compared to their earlier and far superior works. One band still continued touring but were a shadow of their former selves and sounded dire in the live setting, while the other had disbanded entirely while the vocalist slowly disappeared up his pretentious ginger arse. Both, had lost fans and respect hand over fist.

The shared common denominator is this – A vocalist with a piss ant attitude who treats their fans like shit.

One band has caused numerous riots and pissed fans off, this has been so heavily documented to the point where it has been proof read until the eyes bleed. The other has a very pretentious attitude and distances themselves away from the Goth scene; a mere mention of Sisters of Mercy on a Goth forum causes a flurry of debate amongst the 'Proper Goths' venting they apocalyptic rage, shouting from the internet hilltops that they will never give that bastard a single penny ever again.

In my eyes, all of the above events has tarnished my respect for either of them; and in the case of Guns and Roses I fully admit that I was never really a fan of their stuff in the first place. They weren't shit by any sense of the definition, they just weren't my thing when I was getting into it all; the Hair Metal/Cock Rock/Glam Rock (delete where appropriate) 'scene' was getting a swift shit kicking by scores of bands in plaid shirts coming from Seattle, with the holy triumvirate of Vedder, Cornell, and Cobain leading the charge. I discovered Sisters of Mercy a couple of years later when I loaned a CD of theirs from the local library (when people went there for books to find information instead of Wikipedia, remember that?).

For reasons that are completely beyond me, Mr Eldritch still continues to tour shrouded in a sea of dry ice and alleged mystery. Mr Rose has sat on an album for over a decade and procrastinated like you wouldn't believe, finally releasing a polished dog turd to shut the cynics up. Just so he can say “Seeeeee? I did record an album, actually!”.

Then, horror of horrors – the slick haired record executives start thinking overtime. “Hey, these Playstation's are rather good. I found a mix tape of my Uncle's in the loft one night with a ghetto blaster, there's this really cool band on there called Guns and Roses.....Hey, let's put that music in our new Grand Theft Guitar Hero game! That's soooo sick, bro!”. A sea of proper rockers (and I don't mean these fakers wearing Ramones shirts and shit haircuts) collectively groaned and facepalmed in unison, like an industrial scale opposite of the Mexican wave while our scene gets pillaged for fashion tips and music to check out this season; sponsored by the lord saviour that is GAP. Because looking rock is really cool this season, you know?

The next minute, everybody is beating a path to Mr Roses door and demands that he tours. Slash and Duff are up for the good old times, but being the ginger ayatollah that he is – decides that they're to have none of it and I will form a line up of my own. It's okay though, the new found fan base formed of people that were single celled organisms (read: the twinkle of your fathers groin from the 1990s onwards) are too young to know any different. Happy days are here again, someone call my agent! And get me a triple motherfucking cheeseburger with super size fries and Dr Pepper, dammit! I AM AXL ROOOOOSE!

Despite the fact he tours again, the old piss ant attitude comes back once more. Reports come thick and fast that he's out pissing his fans off once more, and storming off the stage on many an occasion – this time with video proof to add weight to the negative stories doing the rounds. Yet, for reasons completely unknown people are STILL going to the gigs. Not that the band are any good anymore in my opinion, but despite showing up whenever he feels like or abandoning gigs entirely people STILL want to attend. Which to my minds eye just goes to show how moronic the bovine masses are. Ditto Sisters of Mercy, who are still intent on playing in a sea of dry ice droning away and have never been any good for the past 15 years at least and haven't recorded a proper album since 1990.

To be brutally honest about this, going to see any band that pisses their fans of is similar to being in an abusive relationship; you're treated like shit, continuously let down and continuously lied to but you're so much in awe of it all that not seeing the band would be a massive gaping hole in your crappy lives if you didn't see them. You would also have the nerve to say that it was the best band in the entire world, despite the fact they performed dreadfully or didn't even show up – HIM fans suffer from a similar delusion too; they were once good but ferociously disappoint live now. Not forgetting sticking up for them while everybody thinks they're an arsehole – yet again just like being in an abusive relationship. As far as I'm concerned, if you're in a band the fans pay your wages; biting the hand that feeds is a disasterous move.

In short, all the evidence is out there with regards to how bad both bands are nowadays, and how good they once were. Sadly, most of these 'fans' are too young to any better and will blindly attend either a Sisters of Mercy gig, or Guns and Roses gig (definitely so with the latter, without question). At times, with all this revival of this, that and the bloody other just goes to show that being remotely inventive appears to have died a long time ago while the bovine masses chow down on their endless sea of retro bullshit. Anyone old enough to know better or have a gramme of common sense now avoid seeing either band and have sold their faded Guns and Roses shirts for £45 for a tidy fee to some art quiffed scenster twat. Ditto Sisters of Mercy; granted they will show up but the gothic air and mystery as seen on the music videos has long gone and the gig will be a total disappointment, opinions vary.

To conclude – good luck with seeing either band, especially the 'Axl Rose Band'. I look forward to all the bitching and whining they didn't show up or when Axl walks off in a huff. You have no hope, and a lobotomy is too good for you.

Celebrity Grief Tourism (It's not right, and it's not okay)

Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson, and now Whitney Houston has joined the 'Hollywood Hills of the Celestial Hereafter'/VIP Room to Club Wormfood (delete where applicable). Once more, we witness The Bovine Masses jump on the Grief Tourism bandwagon and are united in an outpouring of fake sentiment and grief.

Not me, in this instance – as usual, I have what I feel is a unique train of thought to what The Bovine Masses believe and as a result I'm not subscribing to any of it due to the fickle nature of the proceedings. The above artists (and many more that I shall not mention) have all fell on hard times and had their names dragged through the mire and lost their credibility. Due to various reasons – the most common is becoming a patron saint of personal abuse by turning into a human drink and drugs cabinet, snorting and drinking cheap anything because the fame has gone to their heads and have become entirely detached from the normal realms of reality that you or I live and dwell in.

The Bovine Masses, with their short attention spans looking for a quick fix and 'next big thing' to follow that is fashionable dropped the above artists like a hot potato; their empty eyed stares and short attention spans swanning off to follow the next 'deity' – Marilyn Manson had it down to a tee with the song Dope show “They love you when you're on the covers, when you're not they love another”. Never a truer word sung, even though his music is a 'Marmite Thing' in alternative circles to some people.

These particular artists are no longer here, and they also share the same common denominator; the simple fact that a little as a week or so before their deaths, people were calling them all the unsavoury names under the sun. Guess what? As soon as they shuffle off the mortal coil so to speak, people buy their albums in droves. People are interviewed on the TV, Radio, and internet based media saying how much they love them and are crying oceans of insincere crocodile tears. The big question is, how many of those people are being sincere?

I wager that less than half of them stuck with the artists through thick and thin, and were hardcore fans of theirs. In fact, if you asked them who Whitney Houston is a week before she died I reckon they would either struggle to remember or say something along the lines of “Oh, the one that sounds like Mariah Carey whose turned into a massive drugs cabinet?”.

If you like an artists that much, you stick with them through the good times and the bad times. Countess Bastardo, for example – absolutely loves Duran Duran and sticks with them. She seen them during their heyday, she seen them when half of the band members walked out and she bought their albums when they were declared bankrupt. THAT, my friends, is liking an artist. Not this fickle outpouring of mock grief.

A typical example of this is album sales. Again, a week prior to their deaths, their albums littered all the bargain bins in music stores up and down the land. You couldn't even give their albums away in some instances in a 'buy one, get one free' offer. If you check certain sources online, you will find that online download prices from music stores leapt up a few pounds as soon as news hit that she died. She was practically still a warm and very fresh corpse and yet some slick haired marketing wanker decides to cash in on her death. I care little for Whitney Houston and I was never a fan of her music – I found her stuff to be the sugary nonsense of the 1980s that certainly wasn't the wheat in the chaff; even as a child I preferred the music of Kate Bush, Depeche Mode, OMD, Madness, Art of Noise, Sting, and The Police and probably had the makings of becoming an 'alternative' all the way back then. It was the dreadful nonsense that emitted from my sisters room when she was a teenager with the likes of such crap like Belinda Carlise and Five Star which by no means is a good memory.

But notice one thing here in this blog? I've not jumped on the Grief Tourism bandwagon here. and called a spade, a spade. Cared little for her back then, and care even less right now. Because, as a principle I can't stand a bandwagon and the notion of herd conformity on many different levels and definitions. It's a shame that such free thinking people like myself are in the minority and can see through the vast oceans of bullshit, double standards and hypocrisy that we encounter in our day to day lives.

As a closer to this, and as a free thinking individual please check YouTube for a clip from the Australian TV show 'The Chasers War on Everything'. One of the script writers made a song called “Arseholes Become Top Blokes After Death” - which explains all of what I mean beautifully and can be applied to the next time a celebrity drops dead, when The Bovine Masses start singing their praises from the hilltops. While as little as last week, they called them all the miscreants under the sun.

To deliberately misquote the the late Mrs Houston:

“It's not right, and it's not okay”.

Failbook

At this moment in time (that this very tome has been published), I'm going through a lot of personal stuff at the moment and going through a particularly black phase strewn with lots of bad luck and unfortunate circumstance – in general life is giving me a bit of a shit time and the start of the year for me, quite frankly – has been fucking awful to say the least. I feel that things cannot possibly get worse as that old chestnut of bad luck occurring to the power of three has reached the third and particularly cruel incident. But, I won't bore you too much with that and I sincerely hope that things pick up for myself as I have a thankless task of wanting to accomplish many things at the moment which at the current space in time feels like a complete impossibility.

Anyway,

As a consequence, Facebook (which shall be referred to as 'Failbook' for sake of simplicity and acidic satire from now in this blog) has really pissed me off. On paper, Failbook sounds like a really good idea – this whole social networking thing. I know many people that I don't see very often and they are scattered at all four points of the compass, alas some of them are very far away and I don't get to see them as much as I like to; this isn't an excuse for laziness in visiting people as I usually try my best to catch up with who I regard to be my friends – expenses and circumstances permitting. Sadly, the 'meatware' behind this blog is a mortal man who can be pressed for time and often has 'life things' getting in the way and I sincerely wish I could be there for each and every one of the people that I know – like an omnipresent god or something. As I said, I'm a mortal man and this simply cannot be.

I can keep in touch with many people through the medium of a central console, as it were. Find out the latest information and what they're up to nowadays, that is assuming that the person is a regular poster on there and keeps their profile regularly updated of course. All well and good, although in some instances it does feel somewhat lazy and nothing can truly replace interaction face to face with actual real living people. In fact, it's somewhat ironic that people can be so in touch; all 'bish bash bosh' and yet remain completely isolated. You can find out what someone is up to hundreds of miles away and yet you don't know what the hell is going on with the friends and family that live right under your nose so to speak.

I feel that Failbook is really taking a severe stranglehold on society and how it functions, and I will even go as far to say that the whole thing is spreading like a disease. I feel, that in many instances Failbook invades far too much into the lives of others and your own which can be used as a tool for avarice and general skullduggery. A decade ago, gossip and shit stirring could only spread via the medium of text messages which spread quick enough. Nowadays, everybody – man, wife and dog – has Failbook and shit stirring can occur on a level that is so alarmingly swift that a tsunami of shit can head someone's way quite literally in the blink of an eye.

This said, an age old computing adage springs to mind – the old maxim of 'Garbage In, Garbage Out'; post utter shit, nonsense and gossip and you will only reap back what you sew. If you keep a tight reign on it all, then fair enough and you deserve a pat on the back. Alas, your quality control you add to it is quickly undone by some other fucknugget that can't keep their mouth shut and feel that you information and private life is others public domain to be shared throughout the 'Failbookiverse'.



Let me explain further:

Recently, some events have occurred in my family which are particularly bad and come as something of a shock to the system to us all. At the moment, I'm having a particularly hard time with a few things in my life and recent events have become the dog shit icing that's on the cake made of shit. I had confided with a couple of family members about these matters and it all came to a head last week and peaked. I visited said family members and it took my mind of many things and I actually managed to feel vaguely human for once. All very well and good, considering the circumstances.

Alas, when I logged back into Failbook and returned back to my usual locale – all the events which occurred had been splattered all over Failbook by two key members of the family. In the instance of one, they told me that the status post was kept to a small core of people that they knew and that it was fine. I grumbled about it and I believed that the matters should be kept private and not for discussion on there, as to be honest their 'small core' of people included people that I didn't know or bloody well care about. Also, in defence of this culprit I will say that they're a young teenage person who unfortunately is too young to know any better and has to go through many things in life to learn things via the medium of trial and error. This may sound as if I'm letting them off lightly; but one thing for certain is that I'm not a person to be fucked with and I hold the belief of that there is more than one way to skin a cat, and that their karmic payback for the events will be in the post – I guarantee it.

The second key family member, really is old enough to know better and just blurted out all the problems all over Failbook as a status post. This, annoyed the living shit out me which made me incandescent with rage. Alas, the person is of a somewhat low IQ and if a discussion about the situation occurred it would only result in a lot of screaming, not getting my word in and the possible instance of heavy objects thrown at me in a rage – such is the reasoning powers of the family member. We all have them, don't we?

A sibling of mine had rang me about this, and was as equally as pissed off as I am about the events that was published for all the Failbookiverse to see. As a result, it has pissed me off that much that quite frankly at this moment in time I truly DO NOT have the headspace to be bothered with the place at all. Which, is sad really as I will miss hearing from people over there – people that I genuinely care about. This said, I reside 'elsewhere' on the interwebs and I can be found by them if necessary – but I will be using the medium of Twitter which I've really taken to lately since a profile change and find the whole thing a lot less moronic than the drivel and shite that I see on Failbook all the time.

I feel that all this computing technology is a waste of most users; we have top end smart phones that have the computing powers of machines that were available 4 to 5 years ago, elephantine (in comparison to a decade ago) amounts of memory our disposal with insanely quick connection speeds in the case of fibre optic broadband. And for what? For the bovine masses to post illiterate drivel and utter shite about what they had for their tea with piss poor spelling and grammar. Put it this way, I despair to the point where I firmly believe that if an alien civilisation came to our planet in the manner of Star Trek's 'First Contact' film, they would promptly speed past and not have fuck all association with that blue fucking marble that we inhabit and enjoy fucking over; or worse still, blow the place up to smithereens if they tapped into the world wide web and stumbled across Failbook as the first webpage they ever visited. This, my friends, is how strongly I dislike the place at the moment.

Incredibility, I remember watching some documentary recently that had a bunch of spoilt kids in it and they were taken elsewhere to live with a strict family to quit being a little fucktard and shape the fuck up. The head of the household mentioned that they can use a computer but not for Failbook. To which said oik replied “What's the point of a computer if you can't go on Failbook?”. What the actual fuck?!



Lately, you could be forgiven for thinking that the place has become the centre of the fucking universe. For example, with night clubs and information about pubs and what not – or even tour information for bands you will more often than not find that all this information is contained on a Failbook page somewhere, much to the chagrin of the Failbook refusenik. As a result of this, because people can't be arsed having a dedicated web page like they used to 'back in the day' and getting a loyal web designer monkey to do the work – they all put it on there now. I for one, look after the Twitter account for band promoting/gigs; the head honcho isn't very good with Twitter and I took if off their hands as a favour out of principle – I want to help my favourite haunts flourish and prosper. If used properly Twitter can be a very powerful promotional tool. Guess where the first snippets of information appear? Yes, that's correct – Failboook first. And now, I'm left in the dark due to my self imposed Failbook black out and I will probably have to contact them via email so that I can keep that Twitter account updated.

Recently, there's also been a splurge of adverts that say “Visit our Failbook page”. What if you don't bloody want to? Why can't you visit the dedicated website of the business or organisation to find out further about the product? Like a fair quantity of people don't want to be on Failbook in the fucking first place?

Originally, Failbook had good intentions to help people communicate and to network with others. Now, in many instances it can become a life ruiner if used in a negative manner which has taken a step too far with many instances, such as: being a data mine to be used for malice, happily pissing away all your personal information all over the Internet, constantly fucking about with user setting and profiles in an alleged move to 'improve' the experience when there's more to it than meets the causal eye. As a good friend of mine says, the malice has taken over and the such things have become a 'whisperers charter' which far outweighs the useful objectives of the site in general. For example, people being stupid enough to add work colleagues who will take you to the fucking cleaners for a laugh because you bad mouthed the manager on there and called them a cock sucking arse face. I'm also at odds with the 'friend harvesters' who have 400 friends or some stupid figure. How can you actually know THAT many people? I declare bullshit, and you are simply committing act of Failbookémeon because you love being a nosy fucking voyeur who likes sticking their nose in the business of others for your own dubious gratification. Not forgetting the fact that it's now come to the point where people have forgotten the acts of proper socialisation with others and now have difficulty forming relationships because “Dealing with meatware is soooo passé, maaaan”.

This occurs far less with Twitter, I feel. People can go and follow you, or leave as they please. You're also not forced to use your true identity if you so wish, very much in the manner of Myspace and Bebo. It truly does stick to the 'meat and potatoes', well, not even that really with a 140 character limit which forces the user to me more inventive and creative. I've seen many of my friends use Twitter for a very short amount of time and then suddenly the user account becomes a graveyard site, so to speak. Google+ is another; I wish that Failbook is more like Google+ as it works better and the user interface with friend circles means that faux pas don't occur and it isn't a massive headache to set unlike Failbook if you don't want certain parties to see certain information. Alas, the bovine masses are too fucking stupid to learn anything new and now Google+ could go the way of Myspace and Bebo, which is a real shame,

When things blow over, I will return as sadly, it's the bloody central hub where most of my friends reside but I think I will do some very severe culling which will upset people, To be honest, I don't feel that I fucking care any more. If they don't like it, tough shit and they can stick it up their arse. But for now, I'm enjoying the freedom and remember the times before people weren't addicted to Failbook as if it was crack cocaine and Mr Courgetteberg is having a laugh at all of them, sleeping soundly at night in a sea of cash from his shitty little website that's now got ideas above its station.

Good fucking riddance, I say.