Slipknot - A Sideways View (From The Outside)

So, another day and more people jumping onto what I interpret as another bout of what I call ‘grief tourism’.

By this, I refer to recent events with Slipknot.

I will lay my cards out on the table here - I'm not a fan of them. Now, before anybody starts to get on their high horse I did buy their so called ‘début album’ (which, was actually ‘Mate Feed Kill Repeat’ and not their self titled album) and I gave it a fair go. Granted, it was musically interesting for a short spell of time but to be honest I got bored of them very quickly - in fact, bored of the album in the space of a week and then sold it on. I give many bands a fair ‘crack of the whip’. and I've even checked out things like Bring Me The Horizon and Suicide Silence (which I also dislike) as I am a Metal fan who does give a new band I've never heard of a fair chance before I declare and out and out dislike of them.

The thing that done it for me with Slipknot, was the fact that the band appear to be a bit of a quasi-engineered gimmick; the whole thing of band members with a strange identity had been done before (like Kiss for instance). Also, at the time when I was into metal (which was a good few years by the time that album came out) the whole Metal world for me had changed for something that was worse - as I got into Metal at a time when Metal was (before Nu-Metal, Skater stuff and things like Blink 182, Green Day, Offspring, Korn and such); and this particular band (amongst a slew of stuff that popped up) was one that left me cold.

Metal had become a completely alien place in some respects, and so I dutifully carried on and missed this particular bandwagon. I use the term quasi engineered due to the fact that ‘Mate Feed Kill Repeat’ was a very individual and interesting piece of work, and Ross Robinson had heavily stylised their sound for the Nu Metal generation, effectively muting the guitar solos and making the band sound like a radio friendly unit shifter. This was made more prevalent with their later albums when they involved more dynamics and variety into their sound; and I always felt that Mushroomhead were far superior, pre-dated Slipknot and were often overlooked.

As much as I don’t like them, they appear to strike a chord and ‘the feels’ (as the kids say) for many people. One thing that I will acknowledge is the fact that they are clearly influenced by some of the more extreme areas of Metal and are nevertheless responsible as an important ‘gateway band’ that got more people into Metal and also gave people a thirst for this glorious form of music and got them into even more bands, made new friends, and became part of a collective they felt they belonged to when mainstream society had otherwise left a cold taste in their collective mouths with bland manufactured pop music. This, is also something worthy of commendation.

From what I interpret of recent news, the departure of Joey Jordison and the feelings about this is probably going a bit too far overboard; many bands have drummers or guitarists leave with randomly variable results; some bands it makes no difference, some bands it can affect them dramatically - for worse or for better. From what I understand, the band members have a lot of different things going on and naturally they are finding it difficult to progress due to the death of Paul Grey (as did Metallica when Cliff Burton died). Therefore, I believe that it won’t necessarily be the end of the band as of yet (at the time that this blog was originally composed) and people going as far to say they are ‘mourning’ the departure of a band member is somewhat overkill.

Sadly, in the ‘information age’ you could be forgiven for thinking that any polar opposite opinion is strictly ‘verboten’. Don’t get me wrong, I love my music and I love being a part of the alternative scene but I feel that there has been some over the top fanaticism that is lacking perspective which can ruin it for everybody else - which should be left to the likes of Justin Bieber fans, or whatever is popular this week to ‘The Normalloes’. I have genuinely lamented the departure of bands, band members and the death of band members, notably the deaths of Chuck Schuldiner, Terje Bakken, Quorthon and Pete Steele hit me particularly hard and I will actually go as far to lay my cards on the table and admit to shedding a tear about the news.

But there is ONE thing for certain - if somebody disagreed about it I didn't go shoving it down their throats and calling out the ‘Hate Police’ like some people on the Internet have done because I dared to challenge what I believed to be their ‘Tin Gods’; one person’s tin god is someone else's sacred cow - and not everybody can be expected to hold the same opinion. Therefore, as a consequence I will never fashion what I stand up for to suit anybody else. In fact, the more something appears to be a bandwagon the more that I am inclined to challenge it, as herd conformity should not be a default pattern of life.

Otherwise, we might as well become North Korea Jnr and be done with it. And that, isn't the best way of doing things, is it?

Sonisphere - Spleen Vents, Sideways Views (And Exposed Sinews)

Ah, it's back again, mentions on Sonisphere – and the year hasn't finished yet (at the current time of writing). A festival that is essentially no different than Download, which was probably why it was pulled the last time as (to my eyes and ears) looked pretty much like a mirror of Download. The line up of both festivals fails to interest me, due to the fact that I've seen 75% of the bands on their own; without the need to sleep in a field for a few days smelling of piss. The rest of the bands, are something I care little about.

What has amused me the most is people pissing themselves like an excited dog about it. I mean, come on – Metallica? Iron Maiden? Really? How are you all *that* surprised about them opening a festival event? They're pretty much standard generic fare. Not forgetting in the past 20 years all that both bands have proceeded in doing is musically treading water (notably, post 1995 Metallica and especially the Iron Maiden albums wrote when Bruce Dickinson pissed off – which I remember very well indeed).

Sorry, I'm not easily impressed. For the following reasons. Let us debunk everything about these bands once and for all shall we?

Iron(y) Maiden:
Okay – get ready for this, and brace yourselves

*drum roll*

Iron Maiden are BORING.

To me, Iron Maiden are musically flat and monotonous They are the musical equivalent of the colour beige. This said, they're far from being Nickleback or Bon Jovi terrible. I just think they're incredibly overrated for what they are. Every album to my ears sounds more or less the same, sticking to a tried and tested generic formula pretty much in the same manner as Status Quo and AC/DC (which I also don't 'get' either).

Yet, many of the bovine masses want more and more. Some bands can get away with peddling the same stuff for years and get away with it perfectly well, and this in many ways isn't a bad thing; a band can tip one way and alienate their fan base irreparably (like Paradise Lost – and no I didn't like their Depeche Mode emulating stuff either). To my ears, Iron Maiden albums are interchangeable and almost indistinguishable from each other; you could put 10 albums in a multi play CD player and you can't tell what albums they belonged to. I just don't get it.

My Iron Maiden hatred stems back to the dark mists of time in the early 1990s when I first got into Metal. The friend who got me into Metal, had played Iron Maiden over and over and over again, ad nauseum. I would call over to his house on weekends, and no matter what new albums he bought and got me into (such as Carcass, Brutal Truth, Obituary, Sepultura and oddly enough Metallica) it would always – and I mean ALWAYS go back to playing Iron Maiden, where he often got a bit to carried away tuneless emulating old Brucie boy and singing into a hairbrush. He also thought he was Axl Rose and wore bandanas; but the sad fact of the matter is that he looked nothing like him and more akin to your average shaved ape if he grew a mullet. Nice.

So – to conclude, I never have and never will understand what all the fuss is about Iron Maiden. Yes, they're a musical institution and they helped paved the way and influenced newer bands – but all I can think of is a middle of the road band that is too often heard on terrible music channels, and on that fucking Grand Theft Guitar Hero console game – or whatever the fucking thing is called.

Me(h)talllica:

I once liked Metallica. Well, in all fairness I only own their first three albums nowadays – Kill Them All (no, I won't call it Kill 'Em All as it looks grammatically annoying), Ride The Lightning and last of all Master Of Puppets. Again, like Iron Maiden there is no denying the fact that those albums are also a musical institution, greatly influential, and inspired many bands and got many people into Metal.

But, there are two things that quickly ruined it for me.

(1) The over-saturation of tracks played from '...And Justice For All' and the black album (self titled). Every fucking time I go on a rock night, 'Enter Sandman', 'Sad But True', and 'One' are played over and over. They were once good tunes, that I ended up growing to hate (much in the manner of being sick to fucking death of hearing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit').

(2) Their post 1995 output – with the worst offender: Load [of shite]

*Cue Dvorak's New Age Symphony*

I remember a time, when I was in college and there were proper Metalheads and proper Goths. None of these baggy trousered Nu Metal types, none of what I refer to as 'Art Quiff Twats', and Cybergoth's had yet to exist (mind you, a primitive form called 'Rivetheads' were around that listened to Front 242 and Skinny Puppy which was as far as it ever got – and were relatively rare). The music and times were great; Hair Metal had died on its arse due to Grunge (although some people argue that Grunge also killed off a lot of decent Metal bands) and there were many decent bands and a good crowd of people. At one point, the world had also been bowled over by an interesting young band called Machine Head and people were forking out £25 to import the début album from a supposedly ground breaking band called Korn.

Then – Metallica showed up out of the wilderness and released the God awful atrocity that was Load.

To my ears, Load was the aural equivalent of smashing a mirror and bringing along a spell of bad luck (If you believe all that superstitious bollocks). During the span of several years, what I refer to Metal as I knew it disappeared under the radar and a black cloud had descended on the scene. People started wearing combat trousers half way down their arse, with short spiky hair and a garbled form of shuffling morose dancing. Green Day, Offspring, Blink 182, and other such bands started appearing that was far too ear friendly – accumulating at a peak with the likes of Slipknot and the fucking awful Slipknot Jnr – more commonly known as Mudvayne.

Carcass had split up, Paradise Lost started emulating Depeche Mode, and even Machine Head jumped on the bus pulled by Nelly The Bad Music Elephant; and all my favourite bands were still releasing albums but not even getting a shred of recognition. Naturally, I still stuck up for what I listened to and disappeared underground with my preferences and shunned what I called 'False Metal'; naturally I wasn't alone with this and a fair few stuck to their guns or disappeared from the scene entirely, as if to roll over and die.

As a result, I now have a very passionate hatred towards Metallica as it was if it brought along an era of, to be perfectly honest – some fucking awful music. Everything after the Load album, has sucked the ferociously massive equine spam javelin.

However - all might not be lost!

There may be hope for Metallica – in the form of Robert Trujillo

Many Metal fans will probably remember his earlier work in Suicidal Tendencies and the spin off band Infectious Grooves (especially if you're in the 30 blah blah years age bracket, like me). Rob is an excellent bass guitarist, who performs some amazing bass lines with make the perfect foundation for many Suicidal Tendencies tracks (and the funk metal of Infectious Grooves). As far as bass guitarists go, he is certainly up there with the likes of Les Claypool and the much missed bass lord that was Cliff Burton.

I have sat through Metallica's post 1995 works and gave them the benefit out the doubt, just in case anybody out there tried to say I was just being curt and dismissive towards Metallica's newer works.

For the record, I have also checked out their most current release 'Death Magnetic'. This, is where it gets interesting.

I visited a friend who had, *cough* 'downstolen' the album (probably to piss Lars Ulrich off, as he hates that sort of thing). To be perfectly honest, I was quite stunned and surprised; throughout the album it was permeated with elements from the Metallica who I used to know, the Metallica that I loved so much with the first 3 albums they released. To my ears, the best way to describe the album is as follows:

Imagine, if you will – a good friend you knew in college. He was an awesome friend, a massive laugh, and you shared so many good times with each other. Until, that fateful moment in 1995 when he was involved in a near fatal car crash and remained in a coma for several years. He awoke after about a year or so, but he had to relearn everything all over again as if he was a small child; walking, talking, independence and developing all over again. Recently, he started recalling memories of the past and coming out with the sayings of old; the banter, the piss taking, and the twisted humour that made you such good friends – he was returning back to his old self.

This – is my perfect capsule review and metaphor for 'Death Magnetic'.

I hold the belief that the recruitment of Rob Trujillo could be a very good thing, as long as Metallica let him add some creativity with his bass guitar skills to make some awesome music. Also, it has been noted that over the past couple of years you could be forgiven for thinking that Metallica are distancing themselves from their post 1995 output; as they're playing a lot of tracks from their first 5 albums – and at one point (if I recall correctly) played the black album in its entirety at a festival.

What do I want from Metallica with their next album? A follower of mine suggested “How about stop being shit”. Okay, fair enough and humorously worded, and I fully agree. It was also suggested that Gene Hoglan should replace Lars Ulrich on drums (now THAT I'd like to see!).

I want one of Thrash Metal's leviathans to awake from their slumber, their musical doldrums and half-arsedness. With Rob Trujillo, I believe that if they let him have a say in the matter they could release an album that can lay waste to what I call this 'Neo Thrash Metal Renaissance' that the kids are very into at the moment (I'm looking at you, Municipal Waste, Trivium and SSS). An album that completely fucks up the 'Neo Thrash' program, pissing in the face of the pale imitators. To demonstrate my point clearly, try checking out YouTube and looking up 'Metallica – And Justice For Jason' to get some idea of what I'm talking about.

I really hope for a truly gob smacking Metallica album to raise the bar once and for all. The Metallica I got into, the Metallica that gave me the 'James May Fizz'. The Metallica that evokes a primal urge to stand on a desk in a library, windmilling and performing Alan Partridge Bass like there's no tomorrow. THAT sort of Metallica.

I live in hope.

Summoning - Old Mornings Dawn (album review)

After being out in the wilderness for 11 years - Summoning are back with a brand new album called "Of Mornings Dawn". Are they back on form after such a lengthy hiatus? 

Austria's Summoning are quite an interesting prospect, when it comes to Black Metal. Those who aren't into Black Metal usually dismiss this side of the Metal spectrum as a blur of noise and screaming, and something that is a bit of a 'Marmite' form of music taste. To those who know their stuff about Black Metal will know that this is clearly not the case. Notably, you have the likes of Dimmu Borgir which are currently wowing 'the kids' with their interesting brand of what I refer to as 'Epic Film Score Black Metal' – as duly noted on the track 'The Serpentine Offering' which some people would dismiss as being completely pompous. Then, you have the likes of bands that sound as if they've been recorded on a worn telephone answering machine such as Darkthrone and Burzum. Basically, it's very much like real ale – people think it's the same thing and somewhat weird, but there's a whole new world of taste going on.

Summoning are a very interesting prospect in the realms of Symphonic Black Metal. Imagine, if you will – something like the Game of Thrones soundtrack played by Sethereal and Amon Amarth through a specially patented Black Metal filter, and a few J.R.R. Tolkein books thrown in for good measure (as their musical output is very much inspired by this).

Strangely, the overall tone and how it sounds is against what what you'd normally expect from Black Metal, as it usually concentrates on the darker side of things and a sense of nihilism, coldness and futility. In this case, it is more upbeat, uplifting, and triumphant– in a style similar to Finntroll but on a more slower, soaring and more majestic tone.

However you look at it, it's pretty much quite unlike what you would expect from most Black Metal bands. “Caradhras” for example, is like a chest beating anthem with a male vocal choir in the background and soaring soundscapes, while “Of Pale White Morns and Darkened Eves” is a sheer sweeping work of brilliance that brings along Sethereal style icy Black Metal vocals; combined with horns, lutes, and military style drumming. It has a distinctly upbeat medieval tone that conjures up images of green majestic lands, knights and castles, dragons and other such medieval film clichés. In writing it sounds ridiculous to explain , but if you love Game of Thrones, Merlin, and Lord of the rings but imagine a Black Metal band making a soundtrack to it then you'd be bang on the nail.

What is particularly worthy of note is that upon repeated listens there is not a single weak track on the album, which rewards the listeners with intricacies that aren't immediately apparent upon the first listen. An absence of approximately 10 years has not been detrimental to the band in their sound, as usually if a band disappears for a while they tend to lose their musical mojo while they've been out in the wilderness doing other things to occupy their time than writing music (such as life getting in the way for one reason or other). For those existing Summoning fans, it's a pleasing return to form that shouldn't disappoint – in fact, I quite prefer the production quality of this particular album (dare I say “Hi-Fi Black Metal”?). But, nevertheless it has a path that musically we have all been down before to seasoned veterans of the scene like myself.

In the Symphonic Black Metal world, or in the world of extreme of Metal as a whole – Summoning and their latest album are up their with the very best. In the stale air of bands belching forth the same thing over and other, they are like a refreshing breeze and trip to an unknown and exciting pasture.

Rating: 10/10

Unpopular Opinions: The HIM and Ville Valo bandwagon

Greetings all,

A chewing, gnawing thing had entered my subconscious as I arose from my slumber in Ph0sph0rr0r towers this morning. I'm not entirely sure where it stemmed from, may have been Twitter – I don't know. Somebody, somewhere had mentioned HIM – and someone of whom I don't even follow had decided to gatecrash my discussion with another follower with regards to what I believe are the best albums and why they piss me off now. In this case, clearly a blinkered follower just had a problem with any constructive criticism about the band.

Therefore, I have decided to type this blog as a means of catharsis as such. Because, one thing I CANNOT abide more than anything which is in the top five of my hates are bandwagons.

Call me a snob, but one thing I don't particularly like is when a band starts trending and everybody likes them. I like a band when it was just “My CD”, when I had found them (apparently) before anyone else. HIM were an interesting band, Gothic tinged alternative metal which reminded me of many different things but were somehow individual in their own right. They were curiously likable, came from a country not really renown for such music and were quite unlike anything I'd heard at the time (apart from Sentenced, Nightwish and Impaled Nazarene). Nightwish were even weirder again – some really fit dark haired girlie performing operatic warbling over power metal? The Oceanborn album was spectacular when I first heard it and really special – but I'm going off the point slightly here. Also, at the time it was when I first started seeing J and who had also shared a liking for the band so the band has a particularly strong memory for me due to this via music listening association.

Such bands from such a strange country couldn't become THAT popular, surely?

Apparently – YES.

Overnight, it appeared that there was a metric fuck tonne of teenage hoards appeared overnight with an alarming pop music-esque worship of HIM – which completely and totally got on my tits. It also synchronized perfectly with the period of time when MTV Jackass and Dirty Sanchez was on heavy rotation on TV, wherby Bam Margera was usually featured being permanently up the arse of Villa Valo with the fucking heartagram being scribbled on what appeared to be bloody everything.

I remember a particular instance of turning into the “Metal Gestapo” one evening, while I was waiting for a train into Liverpool to go to the Krazyhouse (this was many years ago before it turned to shit and the likes of my 'Ethnic Group' quit going to it). This person held what appeared to be a blind fanaticism of Ville Valo and had emulated their look – down to a bloody stupid pinstriped blazer that had been daubed with various slogans and the heartagram logo all over the fucking place. I quizzed them, and they didn't know anything about the first album or the side project called Daniel Lioneye – and I showed them up as a fraud. Okay, this may have been a bit twattish of me but it clearly showed bandwagonism and just liking something because everybody else did and they didn't formulate an independent opinion of their own.

What really got on my fucking tits was the fame that occurred due to Bam Margera being permanently wedged up Ville Valo's poop shoot and mutual masturbation (of which Ville Valo eventually got sick of, it transpired in a Kerrang interview – apparently), and the fame began to take its toll. I have seen HIM twice so far, and the second time I vowed to never listen to or purchase any more of their albums ever again. The first time, HIM were a pretty decent band.

However, the second time I seen them was a completely different story.

The next time around I had seen them, they were playing some small dive somewhere in Liverpool, and had Cathedral as support. On the face of it, this was a very odd lineup – but Ville Vallo apparently had a liking for the far heavier side of metal which is why he asked them to support. Sadly, nobody gave a flying fuck about Cathedral – which disappointed me greatly as I shared a liking for both bands at the time. The crowd was basically a sea of irritating teenybopper 'mini metal' types, and you could be forgiven for thinking that you were at a Top of the Pops gig due to all the teenage hormonal screaming. Then, Ville Valo and his merry men came on stage, and were completely piss poor. Ville Valo was just too smashed off his face, mumbling incoherently into a Mic and I really don't know how I managed to sit the whole thing out. Eventually, the gig ended and there was lots of excited babbling from these kids who had not know anything better and thought that the performance was the best thing ever. Needless to say, I told J in no uncertain terms that I would not go to see them again or give Ville Valo any more of my cash as he basically tuned into a Goth equivalent of Jim Morrison and was too wrecked to perform a gig properly.

The blind adoration of the band continued, and I chose to distance myself VERY fucking far away from once liking them. J had proceeded to see them a third time with a friend of hers because I point blank refused to go, which at the time I found completely baffling. This time around, J and her friend found their live performance even worse AND YET more of these teenybopper friends showed up to see them – and worryingly some of my friends who I though should have known better to have gone throwing cash at them (who I thought needed their fucking heads testing for doing so).

That quirky little Finnish band, wasn't mine anymore. Alas.

I'm all for more people liking Metal and Goth, and naturally some of my younger friends have to start somewhere and weren't fortunate to get into it all in a 'Pre Nu-Metal Era' like myself. But, when a bandwagon is a bandwagon for bandwagon's sake and it over-rules common sense then where the fuck does it truly end? After all, when it starts getting like that then it's no different than listening to chart music.

So far, I think I can sleep soundly at night in the knowledge that Death/Black Metal will never become mainstream, ditto the 'Proper Goth' scence and is my little misunderstood masonic-esque group.

This said, the day I see a Darkthrone T shirt in Primark – will be a very worrying day and I only prey that it doesn't happen. This may be the further basis for a cheese fuelled nightmare.

Stay tuned...

Declaration of War Against Part Time Cyclists [from a full time cyclist]

Due to 'The Recession', and going back in time to something resembling the 1980s (especially with this 'Scene Kid' look) with a Tory government, many people (excluding the wealthy) have had to make many cutbacks in their lifestyle.

Notably, transportation and spiralling fuel prices being the most prominent thing in the news has brought along a sudden upsurge in cycling to and from work as an alternative method of commuting. This has slowly increased as of late, and since the clocks have gone to BST and Spring is upon us (late April 2013) everybody has showed up out of the woodwork, cycling everywhere. In fact, from my point of view (as a cyclist who is full time irrespective of the time of year and weather conditions) it has turned into what has become a Tesco Value version of the Tour De France.

This, has since been fuelled further by the 'Cycle to Work' scheme inventive that has been rolled out recently where I work. Now, every fucker has jumped on the bike ordering bandwagon. Before this point, if I dare suggested that cycling to work was a good idea I would have been laughed out of the building and being condemned for 'flat earth hippy bellend thinking'.

This may sound somewhat bitter to others, but for endless months on end for a good few years I have barely seen anybody commute to work on a bicycle. Until the past 18 months or so. And, it is worth mentioning that this 'New Wave' of cyclists are ruining it for the rest of us, by thinking they are immune to road traffic laws, and for some strange reason thinking that they are invincible. Maybe it's is down to the fact that they are able to appreciate exercise instead of getting around in an engine powered tin box, exempt from tax and insurance and increasing costs of fuel. I'm not sure. What is also annoying is the fact that I am willing to wager that half of the adults that are cycling along also have full car licences, or even licensed for driving HGV and other industrial vehicles, and yet are quantity of these people are offenders in my view.

Anyway, I have decided to take it upon myself to clarify a few things. Notably, general cycling etiquette and decent road traffic conduct.

You are NOT above UK traffic laws and legislation!

Cycling around everywhere, is pretty damn exhilarating, especially in the warmer months of the year when the clocks go forward to BST (British Summer Time). To be honest, there is nothing more fucking awesome than zipping down twisty 'B' roads, getting a tonne of fresh air down your lungs on a vehicle powered by your own self propulsion. Not forgetting taking off road short cuts if you have a suitably equipped and geared mountain bike, where you can even tackle places that would cause a Land Rover a nervous breakdown (which is the best bit for me as an ATB fan).

But for the love of God's Tits, STICK to Road Traffic laws:

Ride positively and decisively. Don't fucking dither about as if you are in a daydream, cycling is indeed VERY REAL and you are far more vulnerable than you would be in a car. Be aware of your surroundings!

Keep left on the road, don't weave around all over the place. Let other road users pass by, including other cyclists. In the UK we drive on the LEFT hand side of the road in RIGHT hand drive cars (I've found Eastern Europeans to be the worst offenders).

Give other road users plenty of notification if you are about to turn somewhere. Notably, use your Left or Right arm stretched out to indicate where you are going.

Try to ride a car door width away from car doors – to avoid the scenario of a bike/car door interface at sudden speed with disastrous results.

Try to keep 1 metre (3 feet-ish) away from the kerb or in the centre of the left lane (dependant upon circumstances permitting)

Make eye contact with drivers to let them know they have seen you and acknowledge courtesy from other drivers.

If you are cycling in a group, keep no more than two abreast. Don't clog up the whole fucking lane of the road so that no one can pass, especially when there are faster and more competent cyclists than you. Better still, keep in single file.

Keep in a straight line. Don't take fancy weaving manoeuvres and progressing in strange angles of a diagonal trajectory. Other people may want to pass you, be they other cyclists or motorists. Your actions could force others into a swerve and quite possibly crash, or even yourself to crash for trying to be a smart arse. And as a result, you deserve all the shit you get.

If you cycle at night, put some bloody lights on the bike. And I don't mean those shit flashy ones either, they are usually sold as secondary forms of lighting, NOT as primary. By this, you should get a proper headlight, and tail light. The headlight should be mounted on the handlebars, and angled in such a manner as to light up at least 3-4ft of road and not to cause glare to other road users. For optimum results, mount the light so that the angle can be changed slightly for road or off road use (more dipped downwards for light roads, dipped upwards to provide maximum spread of illumination down dark pathways). It is worth bearing in mind that a coat may cover up a tail light when mounted on a seat post, and in my case I have a ruck sack with a tail light mounted onto it – like a 'Eye Level Tail Light' on a car if you will. Even spoke lights aren't that much of a stupid idea too, as you can be easily seen coming out of junctions with being lit from a side on view.

For night time cycling, it may also be worth investing in luminous arm bands, especially useful for indicating a change in direction. Or maybe a 'high viz' jacket. Or SOMETHING of some form that is luminous to add to your person. Every bit of lighting or clothing helps. And NO, you won't look like a fucking berk – it's COMMON ROAD SENSE. An unlit bicycle is practically invisible at night, and many a night in a car I have shit myself when I've seen a cyclist appear from out of fucking nowhere. A person on a bicycle, versus even the smallest car like a Toyota IQ , Ford Ka, or Smart is indescribably narrow in comparison, even if you're a 17 stone 'Lardo-lith'.

On a shared path, give pedestrians notice and keep to the designated cycle lane on the path (if applicable) and be prepared to slow down, or perhaps stop. Pedestrians should also take note of their surroundings and not walk around in a daydream listening to shite on their mp3 players. More importantly, pedestrians should not play 'chicken' with a cyclist and try to be fucking clever either. In one instance, I hit a Chav who was trying to be clever, despite the fact I sounded the bell on my bike and actually shouted “Get out of the fucking way!”. I made sure he got an elbow to the head as I went down for his ignorance. I since went past the guy and he paid better attention next time around. I don't intend to sound like some mad cycling barbarian of course, but if you act like a tit then suffer the consequences.

Cycling mirrors are an excellent idea, and I have these fitted to my mountain bikes that I own. This may sound somewhat gooberish, but they can be a brilliant idea in busy town centre areas to aid negotiating through traffic and adding an extra point of visibility to the cyclist. In my case, I invested in a pair of Topeak Bar Ends which double up as mirors, that pop and swivel out like a Swiss Army Knife blade when needed and popped back in with the twist of a hand when traversing down very narrow pathways when they're not needed. This is dependant on personal preference but not something to be overlooked.

If you must take an mp3 player with you, then ensure that it's not too loud to impair your auditory senses on the road with hearing approaching traffic, and make sure that the earphones don't fall out - buy a pair of the 'hooked type' that go around the ear. Personally, a soundtrack can liven up a cycle journey but naturally it is safer to leave the mp3 player at home and I leave this to personal preference.

Safety wear is also worth taking into consideration (even though I sound like a hypocrite by not wearing a helmet). It's not exactly compulsory (as of yet), but this is down to personal preference and how brave/pessimistic/fearless you are feeling. I shall leave that to your own decision and discretion. Obviously, if you had an accident you would fare off better with correct safety wear.

If you are carrying shit around everywhere on your commute, try to ensure you have decent rucksack, or pannier arrangement. Don't, for the love of God's Tits carry stuff balanced precariously on the edges of the handlebars which could mess with your balance or stuff randomly strapped or sellotaped to your bike or yourself. You can cause yourself, and possibly others an accident if you do so. And, make sure the bags in question are properly sealed and zipped, so that they don't spill shit everywhere which could hit pedestrians, motorists, or other cyclists.

So, in conclusion – if you wish to join the 'Cycling Masses' that are seemingly 'in vogue' at the moment, then pay attention to my guidelines. Instead of being a twat and ruining it for the cycling majority. It only needs a handful of twats to cause an accident or mischief, and then we suffer with all sorts of crazy stupid fucking laws because of them. Learn something from it, for fucks sake.

Myth Busting 4G phones in the UK

At this present moment in time (Feb 2013), new mobile phone season is upon us (well, for me it is anyway). Naturally, there's a lot of hoo haa, buzz words, and general bullshit out there to snare the unwitting consumer into a new mobile phone contract. Fortunately, dear readers – I'm here to perform some myth busting.

4G is basically speed improvements over existing 3G/HSDPA (High Speed Data Packet Access), which put into layman's terms in comparison and speed will be like changing from copper wire based internet (8mb max) to fibre optic broadband with speeds beyond 20mb* (if you're lucky; people have patchy 3G as it is on some networks in the UK*).

[*figures quoted realistically/pessimistically – tick where applicable]

Okay, let's chimplify this more – your YouTube videos and music streams will no longer lag and work at super fuck off speeds akin to a greased weasel. On fire. With a rocket up its arse.

Agreed? Good!

Over the weekend (9^th Feb), I have been investigating various phone shops in Liverpool to get to the bottom of all this.

Recently, Orange and T-Mobile have got into bed with each other and now go under the Everything Everywhere (EE) banner and they were the first to win Offcom's auction of frequencies which will be used for 4G in the UK. In essence, remember the old TV channels that got switched off for Freeview? Well, it's that 'neck of the woods' they sold off for the next generation of mobile broad band and mobile phone use; which was why people recently had to retune their TV's in the North West of the UK (areas served by Winter Hill transmitter – Manchester, Liverpool, Lancashire). They've called 'shotgun' for the time being, and are offering contracts using this shiny new fancy pants tech – but God's Tits does it cost a fucking arm and a leg! Starting at around £35 per month with 500mb, which if you lived in spitting distance of Liverpool or Manchester would disappear as quickly as Usain Bolt if his arse was on fire. Not good, man. Not good.

Other networks are mentioning 4G at the moment, but that's as far as you'll get – mentions. I was disappointed with Vodafone in particular which offered 4G capable handsets (Nokia Lumia 920, Galaxy S3 LTE, iPhone 5) and were quick to put posters up everywhere and have a load of robotical sales reps say how awesome the phones are – but when pressed further mentioned that they didn't actually have 4G yet, but will have it in the summer. If you sign up for a 4G handset from them, you will only be using 3G or HSDPA existing speeds and WHEN it arrives, your contract will be altered to include a 4G data allowance. They've not committed themselves to any date of any form, and at the time of writing is essentially pointless owning one on that network, At the moment, O2 are also as clueless but are very quick to point out the fancy pants tech which will be available soon, however the definition of soon is anybody's guess and they're currently lagging behind the 4G race.

The most interesting development so far, is from the Three network – who allege to have some of the fastest and best mobile data speeds in the UK. There is mixed opinion of this network, but from my observations it appears to be sour grapes from rival networks. So far, I've got a couple of family members and friends on the network, and it works beautifully. MORE IMPORTANTLY, they're one of very few networks that have infinite data allowances and even allow tethering on certain contracts; the ability to turn your phone into a portable WI-FI hotspot so that you can use a laptop, netbook, or tablet that doesn't come equipped with a 3G mobile broadband modem.

There is mention of a technology called DC-HSDPA (Dual Cell High Speed Data Packet Access), which is doubling the effective bandwidth and speed of mobile broadband. This means your data will be twice as fast as before, but it isn't 4G. This, sounds like it's a cop out – but it isn't. Naturally, your data speeds will be faster than before which will basically become something faster than 3G/HSDPA, but not 4G speeds. Three appear to be doing an incremental upgrade in data speeds, and when 4G does become implemented you will be charged no more for the privilege. At the current time of writing, they are offering the Sony Xperia Z (bloody lovely phone, actually – a very sexy piece of tech), Samsung Galaxy S3 'Ultrafast' (the LTE version of the S3 with some tweaks to processor speed, memory, and removal of FM radio to accommodate the 4G antenna), Nokia Lumia 920, and lastly the iPhone 5; these can access DC-HSDPA and eventually 4G. The staff in Three were also very helpful and talked me through some suitable contracts, and seemed decent enough people. So far, Three is the one I shall go to – as they offer a speed improvement already and offer 4G eventually without paying through the nose.

The next visit, was Phones 4U. An Orange tariff didn't interest me, as like Vodafone and O2 they don't offer infinite data, which I believe is a necessity if you're going to have a phone of this calibre. They offered me a contract on T-Mobile, which is part of the EE network and a Galaxy S3 LTE. I asked about the Note 2, but they did not know that there are two versions of this phone (and even Tech Radar reviewed the Note 2 and committed a fuck up on this one!) and were a bit scared at my Rain Man like ability to tell them the differences between the two.

So, what ARE the differences?

The Galaxy S3 and Note 2 have an FM radio in it.

The Galaxy S3 LTE and Note 2 LTE DOES NOT have an FM radio in it.

The LTE versions have the FM radio capability removed, with slight tweeks to processor speed and memory. Because, the space inside the case has to house the antenna module to use the LTE network. Also, there are model number differences. BE VERY CAREFUL WHICH ONE YOU PICK.

Normal Galaxy S3 is GT-I9300

LTE enabled Galaxy S3 is GT-I9305 (available on T-Mobile, Three and EE on a 4G contract)

Normal Note 2 is GT-N7100

LTE enabled Note 2 is GT-N7105 (again, available on T-Mobile, Three, and EE on a 4G contract)

I discovered that you can have the LTE versions on T-Mobile, and in theory should be able to hop onto 4G's EE network if available. As I said, in theory and citation will be needed on this – I need to get this confirmed and add an addendum to this blog. I don't see why not, as it's supposed to be all 

the same entity now.

Amusingly, Phones 4U were also quick to slag off the Three network. I had the following exchange with them:

Me: “So, I'm pondering on T-Mobile, or the Three network. Infinite data is a necessity, why have a phone like this if you have a data cap?”

Sales Drone: “Agreed. But Three network isn't very good and their customer service is interesting”

Me: “How is it interesting?”

Sales Drone: “Well, they're not very good and I've heard loads of problems with them. They're not worth the hassle”.

Me: “So, do you know anybody who uses the Three network?”

Sales Drone: “Well...errr....I've heard a lot of complaints about them,,,,errr,,,,,”

Me: “So, you don't know anybody with issues with the Three network then?”

Sales Drone: “.....Errr....anyway, we can offer Vodafone if you wanted, with 2GB data a month...”

Me: “Wait there, I'm trying to LEAVE Vodafone!”

Sales Drone: “..............”

To conclude, I have the following advice.

4G is in its infancy. The braggards who have signed up on EE's 4G network have essentially more money than sense right now, as the data allowances are very low for the speeds available – and it will be consumed. Very quickly, And go over your limit. Very quicky. And become VERY expensive. VERY quickly. Also, if you used your own Wi-Fi (especially if it's BT Infinity or Virgin fibre optic) you will have speeds from your own router in your home that will beat the living shit out of 4G speeds right now. That is, of course, assuming you can get a 4G signal in the first place.

The cheapest option (but with the most expensive initial outlay) is to purchase an LG Nexus 4 from Google. The phone is £279 SIM free and will take a SIM card from any network. The downside is that it's not 4G capable, but why worry? The coverage is still in its infancy, and combined with a Three rolling contract SIM or Giff Gaff (who use O2's cells), you have infinite data and a decent call/text allowance for a mere £16 which you can walk out of at any time. Granted, the cost of the handset is initially punishing, but you will save a shitload of cash and it will pay for itself in a year versus a contract of double the monthly cost. I'd take that route myself, but monies have had to be directed for other uses at this moment in time and it's looking very likely that Vodafone will be given the heave ho in March, and I will go either Three or T-Mobile,

4G in the UK – don't be sucked into the hype!

The “You're single with cash to burn” experience

In the eyes of common law (despite seeing Lady Bastardo for 10 years) I'm categorised as being 'Single', if I was ever to sign any paperwork for anything. I find this notion to be somewhat Victorian in 21^st century society; marriage in my book is a ridiculous dogma that insists you must declare to the world that you love someone with a signed 'contract', piece of circular precious medal, and a pretentious ceremony that erodes both parties of cash. While friends and family (frenemies?) gather round to praise, and judge in equal measure. Also, this irritating draconian notion insists that you must procreate, and pepper the world with the spawn of your collective crotches. In accordance to a divine set of doctrine declared solemn and supposedly correct by some mythical bearded sky pixie, or perhaps a load of different pixies, some taking the form of animals or something. I don't know, it's all stuff and nonsense – fuck that shit.

Anyway, this brings me to something that often occurs with family members, or work colleagues especially. The usual pattern, is that when something shiny and new gets sent to work – be it something from eBay, Amazon, or whatever – a green eyed goblin, usually a person who is up to their eyeballs in debt makes a cutting petty remark about your shiny new purchase. Especially, if it's something very big, very shiny, and even worse again if it happens to be a brand new car. Oh yeah, woe fucking betide you if you ever do such a thing. It's up there with digging up their dead grandmother and performing degraded sexual acts upon their rotting, maggot ridden corpse.

In this particular instance, as a pathological gadgetophile I'm cultivating a total nerdrection. “Why is this?” I hear you asking. Well, it's that most glorious moment on the calendar that occurs only as frequently as 18 months (or 24 depending on your contract).

What I'm referring to, is a shiny glass like trinket of joy. A thing of wonderment, that contains your universe, communication, and a fantastic tool of procrastination; ladies and gentlemen – new smart phone season is coming, and I'm like a small boy hyped up to the fucking eyeballs on sherbet dip, blue smarties, and cheap nasty Rola Cola. I've narrowed it down to the following models: Samsung Galaxy S3, Galaxy Note 2, LG Nexus 4 (which is stock Android without any fancy bollocks on it), or the Sony Experia Z. Before you ask, I'd rather cut my cock off and fry it in garlic than have a fucking iPhone and join that irritating group of smug fucktards. Sorry.

So, this morning I was chatting to a colleague about this, and then one of the management figures decides to join the conversation.

“My contact is up on my phone next month, I can't wait”

Only for him to reply “My mortgage is up next month”; which swiftly (and ignorantly) derailed the conversation.

What the actual fuck? Was there a need for this?

I work hard, for my money – despite cynics saying otherwise because “Office work isn't proper work. You need to be mending roads, work in a factory, or be in the army”. So what? I'm employed, and I'm far from being a scrounger, especially with working the best part of a decade and only having a two month spell of unemployment in my life.

These judgemental people with families piss me off. I'm not up for family life, or wanting children of my own. So, how dare people judge me and my missus for not wanting kids and enjoying our money to do whatever the hell we like with? Family life isn't for us, and we're quite happy with that, like many of my friends are who don't wish to sign up to the mighty contract of family life. In fact, the 2.4 children model is a dying model, and people in the 21^st century often lead secular lives and chose not to take that path. If I choose that path, it's none of anyone's fucking business and it's not anyone else's to judge.

So, you hate me having shiny new things, and being able to do as I please? Well, you should of thought of this the night you chose to make the beast with two backs and not thought of contraception. You should have thought of the possible ramifications of going through with having children, and committing yourself to at least a 16-18 year sentence. You should have thought of this when you were in it over your heads and chose against abortion because it “Offends your God” - if you're so fucking Pro-Life, then why don't you all lock arms and block cemeteries. “But she was 86 and got hit by a bus!” - “THERE'S OPTIONS!!” - to quote the late Bill Hicks. My point is, if you chose the family path then you should have manned the fuck up and researched deeply into it – as those micro people called babies take up a shitload of time, resources, and MONEY – yes, that thing I apparently have too much of. Therefore, it's hardly MY fault that you're in it over your head. Not forgetting that 5 bedroom house, four more children, brand new Ford Mondeo (when that 6 year old one for only a few grand that was a Titanium X turbo diesel with leather seats and air conditioning would have been just as good), and paying for the eldest ones to go to the best university. Oh, and those platinum credit cards you keep on waving around like your conducting a fucking orchestra, and that twice yearly holiday to the Algarve.

I'm not in debt, and don't need to be, and there isn't a need to be – money is not a meaningless stream of numbers on a computer screen. I manage with what I've got, and I chose the sensible path to not have children as it was MY choice and not what society insisted that me and my missus should do. So, whenever I get something brand new, or go down the pub I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself before you decided to cast your critical eye over my lifestyle. You could have had it like me, with infinitely less stress and financial complication. But, it's plain for all to see that over the years you can't see your own nose at the end of your fucking face.

I'm not being down on all people with families, only the jealous green eyed twats that are sick of their own lives and need to make changes, rather than lash out at others and made snide comments. If you've started a family, then don't come to me moaning about it and that you're failing to keep your head above water. You had a choice back then, and you chose to ignore the other possibilities and how bad it could potentially become – as you chosen to bow down to the comfortable yet ironically restricting dogma as enforced by rules entrenched by so called conventional society.

In essence, go fuck off and have a word with yourself.