Declaration of War Against Part Time Cyclists [from a full time cyclist]

Due to 'The Recession', and going back in time to something resembling the 1980s (especially with this 'Scene Kid' look) with a Tory government, many people (excluding the wealthy) have had to make many cutbacks in their lifestyle.

Notably, transportation and spiralling fuel prices being the most prominent thing in the news has brought along a sudden upsurge in cycling to and from work as an alternative method of commuting. This has slowly increased as of late, and since the clocks have gone to BST and Spring is upon us (late April 2013) everybody has showed up out of the woodwork, cycling everywhere. In fact, from my point of view (as a cyclist who is full time irrespective of the time of year and weather conditions) it has turned into what has become a Tesco Value version of the Tour De France.

This, has since been fuelled further by the 'Cycle to Work' scheme inventive that has been rolled out recently where I work. Now, every fucker has jumped on the bike ordering bandwagon. Before this point, if I dare suggested that cycling to work was a good idea I would have been laughed out of the building and being condemned for 'flat earth hippy bellend thinking'.

This may sound somewhat bitter to others, but for endless months on end for a good few years I have barely seen anybody commute to work on a bicycle. Until the past 18 months or so. And, it is worth mentioning that this 'New Wave' of cyclists are ruining it for the rest of us, by thinking they are immune to road traffic laws, and for some strange reason thinking that they are invincible. Maybe it's is down to the fact that they are able to appreciate exercise instead of getting around in an engine powered tin box, exempt from tax and insurance and increasing costs of fuel. I'm not sure. What is also annoying is the fact that I am willing to wager that half of the adults that are cycling along also have full car licences, or even licensed for driving HGV and other industrial vehicles, and yet are quantity of these people are offenders in my view.

Anyway, I have decided to take it upon myself to clarify a few things. Notably, general cycling etiquette and decent road traffic conduct.

You are NOT above UK traffic laws and legislation!

Cycling around everywhere, is pretty damn exhilarating, especially in the warmer months of the year when the clocks go forward to BST (British Summer Time). To be honest, there is nothing more fucking awesome than zipping down twisty 'B' roads, getting a tonne of fresh air down your lungs on a vehicle powered by your own self propulsion. Not forgetting taking off road short cuts if you have a suitably equipped and geared mountain bike, where you can even tackle places that would cause a Land Rover a nervous breakdown (which is the best bit for me as an ATB fan).

But for the love of God's Tits, STICK to Road Traffic laws:

Ride positively and decisively. Don't fucking dither about as if you are in a daydream, cycling is indeed VERY REAL and you are far more vulnerable than you would be in a car. Be aware of your surroundings!

Keep left on the road, don't weave around all over the place. Let other road users pass by, including other cyclists. In the UK we drive on the LEFT hand side of the road in RIGHT hand drive cars (I've found Eastern Europeans to be the worst offenders).

Give other road users plenty of notification if you are about to turn somewhere. Notably, use your Left or Right arm stretched out to indicate where you are going.

Try to ride a car door width away from car doors – to avoid the scenario of a bike/car door interface at sudden speed with disastrous results.

Try to keep 1 metre (3 feet-ish) away from the kerb or in the centre of the left lane (dependant upon circumstances permitting)

Make eye contact with drivers to let them know they have seen you and acknowledge courtesy from other drivers.

If you are cycling in a group, keep no more than two abreast. Don't clog up the whole fucking lane of the road so that no one can pass, especially when there are faster and more competent cyclists than you. Better still, keep in single file.

Keep in a straight line. Don't take fancy weaving manoeuvres and progressing in strange angles of a diagonal trajectory. Other people may want to pass you, be they other cyclists or motorists. Your actions could force others into a swerve and quite possibly crash, or even yourself to crash for trying to be a smart arse. And as a result, you deserve all the shit you get.

If you cycle at night, put some bloody lights on the bike. And I don't mean those shit flashy ones either, they are usually sold as secondary forms of lighting, NOT as primary. By this, you should get a proper headlight, and tail light. The headlight should be mounted on the handlebars, and angled in such a manner as to light up at least 3-4ft of road and not to cause glare to other road users. For optimum results, mount the light so that the angle can be changed slightly for road or off road use (more dipped downwards for light roads, dipped upwards to provide maximum spread of illumination down dark pathways). It is worth bearing in mind that a coat may cover up a tail light when mounted on a seat post, and in my case I have a ruck sack with a tail light mounted onto it – like a 'Eye Level Tail Light' on a car if you will. Even spoke lights aren't that much of a stupid idea too, as you can be easily seen coming out of junctions with being lit from a side on view.

For night time cycling, it may also be worth investing in luminous arm bands, especially useful for indicating a change in direction. Or maybe a 'high viz' jacket. Or SOMETHING of some form that is luminous to add to your person. Every bit of lighting or clothing helps. And NO, you won't look like a fucking berk – it's COMMON ROAD SENSE. An unlit bicycle is practically invisible at night, and many a night in a car I have shit myself when I've seen a cyclist appear from out of fucking nowhere. A person on a bicycle, versus even the smallest car like a Toyota IQ , Ford Ka, or Smart is indescribably narrow in comparison, even if you're a 17 stone 'Lardo-lith'.

On a shared path, give pedestrians notice and keep to the designated cycle lane on the path (if applicable) and be prepared to slow down, or perhaps stop. Pedestrians should also take note of their surroundings and not walk around in a daydream listening to shite on their mp3 players. More importantly, pedestrians should not play 'chicken' with a cyclist and try to be fucking clever either. In one instance, I hit a Chav who was trying to be clever, despite the fact I sounded the bell on my bike and actually shouted “Get out of the fucking way!”. I made sure he got an elbow to the head as I went down for his ignorance. I since went past the guy and he paid better attention next time around. I don't intend to sound like some mad cycling barbarian of course, but if you act like a tit then suffer the consequences.

Cycling mirrors are an excellent idea, and I have these fitted to my mountain bikes that I own. This may sound somewhat gooberish, but they can be a brilliant idea in busy town centre areas to aid negotiating through traffic and adding an extra point of visibility to the cyclist. In my case, I invested in a pair of Topeak Bar Ends which double up as mirors, that pop and swivel out like a Swiss Army Knife blade when needed and popped back in with the twist of a hand when traversing down very narrow pathways when they're not needed. This is dependant on personal preference but not something to be overlooked.

If you must take an mp3 player with you, then ensure that it's not too loud to impair your auditory senses on the road with hearing approaching traffic, and make sure that the earphones don't fall out - buy a pair of the 'hooked type' that go around the ear. Personally, a soundtrack can liven up a cycle journey but naturally it is safer to leave the mp3 player at home and I leave this to personal preference.

Safety wear is also worth taking into consideration (even though I sound like a hypocrite by not wearing a helmet). It's not exactly compulsory (as of yet), but this is down to personal preference and how brave/pessimistic/fearless you are feeling. I shall leave that to your own decision and discretion. Obviously, if you had an accident you would fare off better with correct safety wear.

If you are carrying shit around everywhere on your commute, try to ensure you have decent rucksack, or pannier arrangement. Don't, for the love of God's Tits carry stuff balanced precariously on the edges of the handlebars which could mess with your balance or stuff randomly strapped or sellotaped to your bike or yourself. You can cause yourself, and possibly others an accident if you do so. And, make sure the bags in question are properly sealed and zipped, so that they don't spill shit everywhere which could hit pedestrians, motorists, or other cyclists.

So, in conclusion – if you wish to join the 'Cycling Masses' that are seemingly 'in vogue' at the moment, then pay attention to my guidelines. Instead of being a twat and ruining it for the cycling majority. It only needs a handful of twats to cause an accident or mischief, and then we suffer with all sorts of crazy stupid fucking laws because of them. Learn something from it, for fucks sake.