The “You're single with cash to burn” experience

In the eyes of common law (despite seeing Lady Bastardo for 10 years) I'm categorised as being 'Single', if I was ever to sign any paperwork for anything. I find this notion to be somewhat Victorian in 21^st century society; marriage in my book is a ridiculous dogma that insists you must declare to the world that you love someone with a signed 'contract', piece of circular precious medal, and a pretentious ceremony that erodes both parties of cash. While friends and family (frenemies?) gather round to praise, and judge in equal measure. Also, this irritating draconian notion insists that you must procreate, and pepper the world with the spawn of your collective crotches. In accordance to a divine set of doctrine declared solemn and supposedly correct by some mythical bearded sky pixie, or perhaps a load of different pixies, some taking the form of animals or something. I don't know, it's all stuff and nonsense – fuck that shit.

Anyway, this brings me to something that often occurs with family members, or work colleagues especially. The usual pattern, is that when something shiny and new gets sent to work – be it something from eBay, Amazon, or whatever – a green eyed goblin, usually a person who is up to their eyeballs in debt makes a cutting petty remark about your shiny new purchase. Especially, if it's something very big, very shiny, and even worse again if it happens to be a brand new car. Oh yeah, woe fucking betide you if you ever do such a thing. It's up there with digging up their dead grandmother and performing degraded sexual acts upon their rotting, maggot ridden corpse.

In this particular instance, as a pathological gadgetophile I'm cultivating a total nerdrection. “Why is this?” I hear you asking. Well, it's that most glorious moment on the calendar that occurs only as frequently as 18 months (or 24 depending on your contract).

What I'm referring to, is a shiny glass like trinket of joy. A thing of wonderment, that contains your universe, communication, and a fantastic tool of procrastination; ladies and gentlemen – new smart phone season is coming, and I'm like a small boy hyped up to the fucking eyeballs on sherbet dip, blue smarties, and cheap nasty Rola Cola. I've narrowed it down to the following models: Samsung Galaxy S3, Galaxy Note 2, LG Nexus 4 (which is stock Android without any fancy bollocks on it), or the Sony Experia Z. Before you ask, I'd rather cut my cock off and fry it in garlic than have a fucking iPhone and join that irritating group of smug fucktards. Sorry.

So, this morning I was chatting to a colleague about this, and then one of the management figures decides to join the conversation.

“My contact is up on my phone next month, I can't wait”

Only for him to reply “My mortgage is up next month”; which swiftly (and ignorantly) derailed the conversation.

What the actual fuck? Was there a need for this?

I work hard, for my money – despite cynics saying otherwise because “Office work isn't proper work. You need to be mending roads, work in a factory, or be in the army”. So what? I'm employed, and I'm far from being a scrounger, especially with working the best part of a decade and only having a two month spell of unemployment in my life.

These judgemental people with families piss me off. I'm not up for family life, or wanting children of my own. So, how dare people judge me and my missus for not wanting kids and enjoying our money to do whatever the hell we like with? Family life isn't for us, and we're quite happy with that, like many of my friends are who don't wish to sign up to the mighty contract of family life. In fact, the 2.4 children model is a dying model, and people in the 21^st century often lead secular lives and chose not to take that path. If I choose that path, it's none of anyone's fucking business and it's not anyone else's to judge.

So, you hate me having shiny new things, and being able to do as I please? Well, you should of thought of this the night you chose to make the beast with two backs and not thought of contraception. You should have thought of the possible ramifications of going through with having children, and committing yourself to at least a 16-18 year sentence. You should have thought of this when you were in it over your heads and chose against abortion because it “Offends your God” - if you're so fucking Pro-Life, then why don't you all lock arms and block cemeteries. “But she was 86 and got hit by a bus!” - “THERE'S OPTIONS!!” - to quote the late Bill Hicks. My point is, if you chose the family path then you should have manned the fuck up and researched deeply into it – as those micro people called babies take up a shitload of time, resources, and MONEY – yes, that thing I apparently have too much of. Therefore, it's hardly MY fault that you're in it over your head. Not forgetting that 5 bedroom house, four more children, brand new Ford Mondeo (when that 6 year old one for only a few grand that was a Titanium X turbo diesel with leather seats and air conditioning would have been just as good), and paying for the eldest ones to go to the best university. Oh, and those platinum credit cards you keep on waving around like your conducting a fucking orchestra, and that twice yearly holiday to the Algarve.

I'm not in debt, and don't need to be, and there isn't a need to be – money is not a meaningless stream of numbers on a computer screen. I manage with what I've got, and I chose the sensible path to not have children as it was MY choice and not what society insisted that me and my missus should do. So, whenever I get something brand new, or go down the pub I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself before you decided to cast your critical eye over my lifestyle. You could have had it like me, with infinitely less stress and financial complication. But, it's plain for all to see that over the years you can't see your own nose at the end of your fucking face.

I'm not being down on all people with families, only the jealous green eyed twats that are sick of their own lives and need to make changes, rather than lash out at others and made snide comments. If you've started a family, then don't come to me moaning about it and that you're failing to keep your head above water. You had a choice back then, and you chose to ignore the other possibilities and how bad it could potentially become – as you chosen to bow down to the comfortable yet ironically restricting dogma as enforced by rules entrenched by so called conventional society.

In essence, go fuck off and have a word with yourself.