Sonisphere - Spleen Vents, Sideways Views (And Exposed Sinews)

Ah, it's back again, mentions on Sonisphere – and the year hasn't finished yet (at the current time of writing). A festival that is essentially no different than Download, which was probably why it was pulled the last time as (to my eyes and ears) looked pretty much like a mirror of Download. The line up of both festivals fails to interest me, due to the fact that I've seen 75% of the bands on their own; without the need to sleep in a field for a few days smelling of piss. The rest of the bands, are something I care little about.

What has amused me the most is people pissing themselves like an excited dog about it. I mean, come on – Metallica? Iron Maiden? Really? How are you all *that* surprised about them opening a festival event? They're pretty much standard generic fare. Not forgetting in the past 20 years all that both bands have proceeded in doing is musically treading water (notably, post 1995 Metallica and especially the Iron Maiden albums wrote when Bruce Dickinson pissed off – which I remember very well indeed).

Sorry, I'm not easily impressed. For the following reasons. Let us debunk everything about these bands once and for all shall we?

Iron(y) Maiden:
Okay – get ready for this, and brace yourselves

*drum roll*

Iron Maiden are BORING.

To me, Iron Maiden are musically flat and monotonous They are the musical equivalent of the colour beige. This said, they're far from being Nickleback or Bon Jovi terrible. I just think they're incredibly overrated for what they are. Every album to my ears sounds more or less the same, sticking to a tried and tested generic formula pretty much in the same manner as Status Quo and AC/DC (which I also don't 'get' either).

Yet, many of the bovine masses want more and more. Some bands can get away with peddling the same stuff for years and get away with it perfectly well, and this in many ways isn't a bad thing; a band can tip one way and alienate their fan base irreparably (like Paradise Lost – and no I didn't like their Depeche Mode emulating stuff either). To my ears, Iron Maiden albums are interchangeable and almost indistinguishable from each other; you could put 10 albums in a multi play CD player and you can't tell what albums they belonged to. I just don't get it.

My Iron Maiden hatred stems back to the dark mists of time in the early 1990s when I first got into Metal. The friend who got me into Metal, had played Iron Maiden over and over and over again, ad nauseum. I would call over to his house on weekends, and no matter what new albums he bought and got me into (such as Carcass, Brutal Truth, Obituary, Sepultura and oddly enough Metallica) it would always – and I mean ALWAYS go back to playing Iron Maiden, where he often got a bit to carried away tuneless emulating old Brucie boy and singing into a hairbrush. He also thought he was Axl Rose and wore bandanas; but the sad fact of the matter is that he looked nothing like him and more akin to your average shaved ape if he grew a mullet. Nice.

So – to conclude, I never have and never will understand what all the fuss is about Iron Maiden. Yes, they're a musical institution and they helped paved the way and influenced newer bands – but all I can think of is a middle of the road band that is too often heard on terrible music channels, and on that fucking Grand Theft Guitar Hero console game – or whatever the fucking thing is called.

Me(h)talllica:

I once liked Metallica. Well, in all fairness I only own their first three albums nowadays – Kill Them All (no, I won't call it Kill 'Em All as it looks grammatically annoying), Ride The Lightning and last of all Master Of Puppets. Again, like Iron Maiden there is no denying the fact that those albums are also a musical institution, greatly influential, and inspired many bands and got many people into Metal.

But, there are two things that quickly ruined it for me.

(1) The over-saturation of tracks played from '...And Justice For All' and the black album (self titled). Every fucking time I go on a rock night, 'Enter Sandman', 'Sad But True', and 'One' are played over and over. They were once good tunes, that I ended up growing to hate (much in the manner of being sick to fucking death of hearing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit').

(2) Their post 1995 output – with the worst offender: Load [of shite]

*Cue Dvorak's New Age Symphony*

I remember a time, when I was in college and there were proper Metalheads and proper Goths. None of these baggy trousered Nu Metal types, none of what I refer to as 'Art Quiff Twats', and Cybergoth's had yet to exist (mind you, a primitive form called 'Rivetheads' were around that listened to Front 242 and Skinny Puppy which was as far as it ever got – and were relatively rare). The music and times were great; Hair Metal had died on its arse due to Grunge (although some people argue that Grunge also killed off a lot of decent Metal bands) and there were many decent bands and a good crowd of people. At one point, the world had also been bowled over by an interesting young band called Machine Head and people were forking out £25 to import the début album from a supposedly ground breaking band called Korn.

Then – Metallica showed up out of the wilderness and released the God awful atrocity that was Load.

To my ears, Load was the aural equivalent of smashing a mirror and bringing along a spell of bad luck (If you believe all that superstitious bollocks). During the span of several years, what I refer to Metal as I knew it disappeared under the radar and a black cloud had descended on the scene. People started wearing combat trousers half way down their arse, with short spiky hair and a garbled form of shuffling morose dancing. Green Day, Offspring, Blink 182, and other such bands started appearing that was far too ear friendly – accumulating at a peak with the likes of Slipknot and the fucking awful Slipknot Jnr – more commonly known as Mudvayne.

Carcass had split up, Paradise Lost started emulating Depeche Mode, and even Machine Head jumped on the bus pulled by Nelly The Bad Music Elephant; and all my favourite bands were still releasing albums but not even getting a shred of recognition. Naturally, I still stuck up for what I listened to and disappeared underground with my preferences and shunned what I called 'False Metal'; naturally I wasn't alone with this and a fair few stuck to their guns or disappeared from the scene entirely, as if to roll over and die.

As a result, I now have a very passionate hatred towards Metallica as it was if it brought along an era of, to be perfectly honest – some fucking awful music. Everything after the Load album, has sucked the ferociously massive equine spam javelin.

However - all might not be lost!

There may be hope for Metallica – in the form of Robert Trujillo

Many Metal fans will probably remember his earlier work in Suicidal Tendencies and the spin off band Infectious Grooves (especially if you're in the 30 blah blah years age bracket, like me). Rob is an excellent bass guitarist, who performs some amazing bass lines with make the perfect foundation for many Suicidal Tendencies tracks (and the funk metal of Infectious Grooves). As far as bass guitarists go, he is certainly up there with the likes of Les Claypool and the much missed bass lord that was Cliff Burton.

I have sat through Metallica's post 1995 works and gave them the benefit out the doubt, just in case anybody out there tried to say I was just being curt and dismissive towards Metallica's newer works.

For the record, I have also checked out their most current release 'Death Magnetic'. This, is where it gets interesting.

I visited a friend who had, *cough* 'downstolen' the album (probably to piss Lars Ulrich off, as he hates that sort of thing). To be perfectly honest, I was quite stunned and surprised; throughout the album it was permeated with elements from the Metallica who I used to know, the Metallica that I loved so much with the first 3 albums they released. To my ears, the best way to describe the album is as follows:

Imagine, if you will – a good friend you knew in college. He was an awesome friend, a massive laugh, and you shared so many good times with each other. Until, that fateful moment in 1995 when he was involved in a near fatal car crash and remained in a coma for several years. He awoke after about a year or so, but he had to relearn everything all over again as if he was a small child; walking, talking, independence and developing all over again. Recently, he started recalling memories of the past and coming out with the sayings of old; the banter, the piss taking, and the twisted humour that made you such good friends – he was returning back to his old self.

This – is my perfect capsule review and metaphor for 'Death Magnetic'.

I hold the belief that the recruitment of Rob Trujillo could be a very good thing, as long as Metallica let him add some creativity with his bass guitar skills to make some awesome music. Also, it has been noted that over the past couple of years you could be forgiven for thinking that Metallica are distancing themselves from their post 1995 output; as they're playing a lot of tracks from their first 5 albums – and at one point (if I recall correctly) played the black album in its entirety at a festival.

What do I want from Metallica with their next album? A follower of mine suggested “How about stop being shit”. Okay, fair enough and humorously worded, and I fully agree. It was also suggested that Gene Hoglan should replace Lars Ulrich on drums (now THAT I'd like to see!).

I want one of Thrash Metal's leviathans to awake from their slumber, their musical doldrums and half-arsedness. With Rob Trujillo, I believe that if they let him have a say in the matter they could release an album that can lay waste to what I call this 'Neo Thrash Metal Renaissance' that the kids are very into at the moment (I'm looking at you, Municipal Waste, Trivium and SSS). An album that completely fucks up the 'Neo Thrash' program, pissing in the face of the pale imitators. To demonstrate my point clearly, try checking out YouTube and looking up 'Metallica – And Justice For Jason' to get some idea of what I'm talking about.

I really hope for a truly gob smacking Metallica album to raise the bar once and for all. The Metallica I got into, the Metallica that gave me the 'James May Fizz'. The Metallica that evokes a primal urge to stand on a desk in a library, windmilling and performing Alan Partridge Bass like there's no tomorrow. THAT sort of Metallica.

I live in hope.