(7) The Xmas album:
Why the hell do people still buy these things? Are they fucking stupid?
Every year, there is an endless slew of CD’s that claim to be the best ever Xmas album since the last one (honest), volume 25. Despite the fact that it was the same as the one you bought last year with very slight variances and a slightly jumbled up track order; in fact you could be forgiven for thinking that the track order was generated via the 'name in a hat' technique.
What happens to the previous ones that you own? Do the conveniently dissolve and bio-degrade, perhaps disappearing into the ether so that you must buy another? On some CD’s, there isn't any Xmas based tunes; just random crap just thrown into the mix as 'filler'. Tunes that were released on Xmas a couple of years ago that reached number one that are completely sod all to do with Xmas whatsoever. Such as the bastardised version of that Tears for Fear tune where they completely sucked all life from a really good 1980's classic, turning it into a dire funeral dirge.
This Xmas CD lark is only marginally more unoriginal than the endless drizzle of chart crap that is force fed to the moronic masses that live in a Britney Lopez / Dance and R&B based catatonic, zombie like state who wouldn't know what good music was if they were slapped in the face with it.
Admittedly, I have yet to hear a rock / metal based Xmas CD, if such a thing exists. Can anyone confirm this out there?
Oh, and one last thing:
Adding sleigh bells jingling to the mix of an already existing tunes does not a Xmas tune make, is that clear?
(8) Raping of the Cash Cow:
Every year, just for one fucking month, families up and down the land get themselves severely in the red with their bank balance. This just adds to the collective headache of it all. Single parent families getting financially raped by the local loan shark down the road; the irritating twat with a BMW and 'drug dealer 4x4' who probably has a decent job in the first place without the need to exploit the poor bugger whose children must have the latest Rockport, or Nintendo Wii or whatever the fuck is current and 'The In Thing'.
Even those that have more sense get drawn into the trap of excessive spending which isn't needed, which is a by product of all the self centred bastards wanting the shiniest, latest, expensive and coolest whatever it is.
The small wee kids don’t happen to see this as they are too young to comprehend anything like debt. They couldn't fucking care less as long as they got the latest Playstation and so they don’t get ripped on in school in January.
Not forgetting the migraine involved in trying to get your folks, or you other half or whoever the right present for Xmas. It’s ironic that you know them well, and you could always think of something that they would want on any other time of the year. Come Xmas, you've drawn a creative mental block and can’t think of what the hell they want. Not forgetting the mental torture of people opening their presents, silently evaluating if their present is as cool as the one that they bought for you; that awkward moment that teeters on the brink of a knifes edge.
“Oh wow, a big Noel Edmunds sweater! Cool!” as you grimace with a totally insincere smile.
Or, the moment where you wrap everything up a few days prior and think “Oh no, she will so fucking hate me, I am unworthy and my presents suck!”.
Sometimes, you wonder why the hell you should bother jumping on the bandwagon of buying presents for Xmas and seriously consider not having any part in it whatsoever. Alas, this goes out the window; as you will be vilified by everyone and their dog, not forgetting looking like the worlds worst bastard if you didn't bother. I imagine you would probably get hunted down by a makeshift tinsel and glitter adorned army; a 'Xmas Schutzstaffel' [Xmas Nazi's] to be taken to a concentration camp where you would either be brainwashed into liking it or choose to burn in a Wickerman for none compliance with the 'Divine Xmas Order'.
(9) The true 'definition' squashed by commercialism:
Because of commercialism, capitalism and greed, I believe that Xmas has become a parody of itself. In a really awful 'Phoenix Nights' cheap and nasty way.
Allegedly, the commonly lead belief is that it’s the celebration of the birth of a certain Mr J.C. But, this is supposed to be a fallacy and that he was born on June 16th. Apparently, I am lead to believe that it was a Roman festival called Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, 'The Birthday of the Unconquered Sun'; and that Xmas was created by the early Christian church to entice Romans to convert to Christianity without losing their own winter celebrations. Eventually, over the years it has become mixed up with other pagan festivals and taken bits and bobs from here and there, like the Pagan Scandinavian festival of Yule. This was where logs were lit to honour Thor, where feasting would continue until the log burned out which could take as many as 12 days. Likewise, 'Father Xmas' is another hotch potch of random beliefs cobbled together as one.
Every year, it bears less and less resemblance to its origins and suffocates under its own self parody despite its origins being a mish mash of all sorts. The days of a classic Xmas as imagined in a rose tinted, Dickensian form have since long gone and are impossible to replicate. Try asking a modern day kid the origin and meaning, and all they will think about is 'The fat red guy that's going to give me a Nintendo Wii for Xmas'.
One weird ritual I don’t understand is the humble Xmas card. Who the hell started that off? I find them completely insincere and an utter waste of a tree. Filled with a twee Xmas picture on the front and a crawly, pandering sentiment on the inside. I have also learned my lesson and don’t send them out here, there and everywhere many years ago. As you feel that it’s your God given right to receive one back and get really offended if you don’t and become all self obsessed. I only send them to be polite to those that send me one and to avoid looking like a twat. Isn't it amazing how a small piece of card with print on it can generate such turmoil?
(10) Family conflicts:
Xmas seems to generate more arguments and conflicts than any other time of the year. Old family feuds and conflicts aren't actually left aside in a fair amount of cases, and become regenerated such as custody battles in split families. For example, one parent trying to buy the love of their child by spending more money than the other parent in a sick twisted game so that the child gains a preference for one parent over the other.
I imagine if you did some research and asked around, I bet that you will find statistics somewhere that quote that there are more family conflicts, instances of physical violence and even death in December. Once more, this is another example of the corruption of one of its most important mission statements, the one that says 'peace and goodwill to all men'.
I've witnessed instances within my own family where family feuds have escalated to epic proportions; because Xmas was involved in the mix somewhere and where certain family members of mine have had the complete polar opposite of a Happy Xmas and New Year. What fantastic irony!
(11) Xmas obsessives:
I can think of no one worse than the person with a Xmas obsessive compulsive disorder.
They seem to come into force earlier and earlier every year. Some hard core nutters out there actually leave their decorations up all year around. How twisted is that?
You can spot them a mile off on your travels. Their houses are neon lit, with a sea of blinking lights that could trigger epilepsy, drowning in a plastic sea of inflatable Santa's and Snowmen. Worse still is the Xmas OCD sufferer competing with one of their fellow kind. In a 'My xmas cock is bigger than yours' competition by competing with each other to plaster their houses inside and out with even more chintz and Xmas related tatt.
One time, I actually knew an obsessive that put up with a freezing cold bathroom because they couldn't re-route a series of cables outside any other way to power an animatronics Reindeer outside, and happily put up with it just to outdo a neighbour. So their house pissed out heat all over the place until the first week of January. This is going a little bit too far in my book. What happened to conserving vital energy and being kinder to the environment? I am willing to bet that these people also skimped on heating too, where they should have been using electricity constructively to keep warm rather than look like a stupid twat with neon lit aircraft landing pad for a house.
These sorts of people are the worst sheep of all that have been drawn in by all the Xmas bullshit. And they are far more likely to shove it down your throat than most people that blindly follow the season.
(12) Xmas food:
Now, this can be quite good but I tire of it very quickly. There is only so much sprouts and turkey that a person can take before their digestive system implodes on itself. Not forgetting the inane ritual of just eating food simply because it is there and not because you are actually hungry. Then they have the fucking cheek to whine and moan saying that they have gained weight. Is it any wonder? Do the words 'Self Control' mean anything to you? Although what sounds good in theory differs in practice entirely.
Over Xmas, I actually yearn for normal foods before the month is out. You won’t catch me making a Xmas dinner, and it’s not because I don’t have culinary skills on a par with Gordon Ramsey or Nigella Lawson and can't cook for shit; I would be happier with a nice Indian curry with all the trimmings and garlic naan bread to be honest.
This concludes my 12 part explanation as to why Xmas gets on my tits. I strongly felt that someone out there had to have the balls to publish such a blog and I feel that my soul has been cleansed and that I've gained closure. Many thanks for reading.
Stay tuned for future blogs - time, rantyness, and other random circumstances permitting that inspire me and give food for thought.
[Images acquired from b3ta.com - I'm not that clever with Photoshop. Please visit their site for humourous posts, image challenges and other awesome content]
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