A Christmas Wish...

Dear Saint Nicholas,

Please can you give some of my friends time off work, from the 23rd Dec-2nd Jan would be rather good, like my good self.

One of your main ‘mission statements’ is to catch up with good friends that I hardly see nowadays, and to have much fun and so called merriment. How on Earth can I do this when nearly all of them have to work over the latter half of December? As a result I’m left with no alternative but to drink and eat myself into a lonesome coma, which isn’t very good for one’s well being on my own while people are supposed to be having ‘festive fun’. They work very hard for a living, and it would be nice if they were freed from the shackles of employment slavery for at least several working days.

Kind regards

Count Bastardo The 666th.

The 12 Hates of Christmas - Part Two

(7) The Xmas album:

Why the hell do people still buy these things? Are they fucking stupid?

Every year, there is an endless slew of CD’s that claim to be the best ever Xmas album since the last one (honest), volume 25. Despite the fact that it was the same as the one you bought last year with very slight variances and a slightly jumbled up track order; in fact you could be forgiven for thinking that the track order was generated via the 'name in a hat' technique.

What happens to the previous ones that you own? Do the conveniently dissolve and bio-degrade, perhaps disappearing into the ether so that you must buy another? On some CD’s, there isn't any Xmas based tunes; just random crap just thrown into the mix as 'filler'. Tunes that were released on Xmas a couple of years ago that reached number one that are completely sod all to do with Xmas whatsoever. Such as the bastardised version of that Tears for Fear tune where they completely sucked all life from a really good 1980's classic, turning it into a dire funeral dirge.

This Xmas CD lark is only marginally more unoriginal than the endless drizzle of chart crap that is force fed to the moronic masses that live in a Britney Lopez / Dance and R&B based catatonic, zombie like state who wouldn't know what good music was if they were slapped in the face with it.

Admittedly, I have yet to hear a rock / metal based Xmas CD, if such a thing exists. Can anyone confirm this out there?

Oh, and one last thing:

Adding sleigh bells jingling to the mix of an already existing tunes does not a Xmas tune make, is that clear?

(8) Raping of the Cash Cow:

Every year, just for one fucking month, families up and down the land get themselves severely in the red with their bank balance. This just adds to the collective headache of it all. Single parent families getting financially raped by the local loan shark down the road; the irritating twat with a BMW and 'drug dealer 4x4' who probably has a decent job in the first place without the need to exploit the poor bugger whose children must have the latest Rockport, or Nintendo Wii or whatever the fuck is current and 'The In Thing'.

Even those that have more sense get drawn into the trap of excessive spending which isn't needed, which is a by product of all the self centred bastards wanting the shiniest, latest, expensive and coolest whatever it is.

The small wee kids don’t happen to see this as they are too young to comprehend anything like debt. They couldn't fucking care less as long as they got the latest Playstation and so they don’t get ripped on in school in January.

Not forgetting the migraine involved in trying to get your folks, or you other half or whoever the right present for Xmas. It’s ironic that you know them well, and you could always think of something that they would want on any other time of the year. Come Xmas, you've drawn a creative mental block and can’t think of what the hell they want. Not forgetting the mental torture of people opening their presents, silently evaluating if their present is as cool as the one that they bought for you; that awkward moment that teeters on the brink of a knifes edge.

“Oh wow, a big Noel Edmunds sweater! Cool!” as you grimace with a totally insincere smile.

Or, the moment where you wrap everything up a few days prior and think “Oh no, she will so fucking hate me, I am unworthy and my presents suck!”.

Sometimes, you wonder why the hell you should bother jumping on the bandwagon of buying presents for Xmas and seriously consider not having any part in it whatsoever. Alas, this goes out the window; as you will be vilified by everyone and their dog, not forgetting looking like the worlds worst bastard if you didn't bother. I imagine you would probably get hunted down by a makeshift tinsel and glitter adorned army; a 'Xmas Schutzstaffel' [Xmas Nazi's] to be taken to a concentration camp where you would either be brainwashed into liking it or choose to burn in a Wickerman for none compliance with the 'Divine Xmas Order'.

(9) The true 'definition' squashed by commercialism:

Because of commercialism, capitalism and greed, I believe that Xmas has become a parody of itself. In a really awful 'Phoenix Nights' cheap and nasty way.

Allegedly, the commonly lead belief is that it’s the celebration of the birth of a certain Mr J.C. But, this is supposed to be a fallacy and that he was born on June 16^th. Apparently, I am lead to believe that it was a Roman festival called Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, 'The Birthday of the Unconquered Sun'; and that Xmas was created by the early Christian church to entice Romans to convert to Christianity without losing their own winter celebrations. Eventually, over the years it has become mixed up with other pagan festivals and taken bits and bobs from here and there, like the Pagan Scandinavian festival of Yule. This was where logs were lit to honour Thor, where feasting would continue until the log burned out which could take as many as 12 days. Likewise, 'Father Xmas' is another hotch potch of random beliefs cobbled together as one.

Every year, it bears less and less resemblance to its origins and suffocates under its own self parody despite its origins being a mish mash of all sorts. The days of a classic Xmas as imagined in a rose tinted, Dickensian form have since long gone and are impossible to replicate. Try asking a modern day kid the origin and meaning, and all they will think about is 'The fat red guy that's going to give me a Nintendo Wii for Xmas'.

One weird ritual I don’t understand is the humble Xmas card. Who the hell started that off? I find them completely insincere and an utter waste of a tree. Filled with a twee Xmas picture on the front and a crawly, pandering sentiment on the inside. I have also learned my lesson and don’t send them out here, there and everywhere many years ago. As you feel that it’s your God given right to receive one back and get really offended if you don’t and become all self obsessed. I only send them to be polite to those that send me one and to avoid looking like a twat. Isn't it amazing how a small piece of card with print on it can generate such turmoil?

(10) Family conflicts:

Xmas seems to generate more arguments and conflicts than any other time of the year. Old family feuds and conflicts aren't actually left aside in a fair amount of cases, and become regenerated such as custody battles in split families. For example, one parent trying to buy the love of their child by spending more money than the other parent in a sick twisted game so that the child gains a preference for one parent over the other.

I imagine if you did some research and asked around, I bet that you will find statistics somewhere that quote that there are more family conflicts, instances of physical violence and even death in December. Once more, this is another example of the corruption of one of its most important mission statements, the one that says 'peace and goodwill to all men'.

I've witnessed instances within my own family where family feuds have escalated to epic proportions; because Xmas was involved in the mix somewhere and where certain family members of mine have had the complete polar opposite of a Happy Xmas and New Year. What fantastic irony!

(11) Xmas obsessives:

I can think of no one worse than the person with a Xmas obsessive compulsive disorder.

They seem to come into force earlier and earlier every year. Some hard core nutters out there actually leave their decorations up all year around. How twisted is that?

You can spot them a mile off on your travels. Their houses are neon lit, with a sea of blinking lights that could trigger epilepsy, drowning in a plastic sea of inflatable Santa's and Snowmen. Worse still is the Xmas OCD sufferer competing with one of their fellow kind. In a 'My xmas cock is bigger than yours' competition by competing with each other to plaster their houses inside and out with even more chintz and Xmas related tatt.

One time, I actually knew an obsessive that put up with a freezing cold bathroom because they couldn't re-route a series of cables outside any other way to power an animatronics Reindeer outside, and happily put up with it just to outdo a neighbour. So their house pissed out heat all over the place until the first week of January. This is going a little bit too far in my book. What happened to conserving vital energy and being kinder to the environment? I am willing to bet that these people also skimped on heating too, where they should have been using electricity constructively to keep warm rather than look like a stupid twat with neon lit aircraft landing pad for a house.

These sorts of people are the worst sheep of all that have been drawn in by all the Xmas bullshit. And they are far more likely to shove it down your throat than most people that blindly follow the season.

(12) Xmas food:

Now, this can be quite good but I tire of it very quickly. There is only so much sprouts and turkey that a person can take before their digestive system implodes on itself. Not forgetting the inane ritual of just eating food simply because it is there and not because you are actually hungry. Then they have the fucking cheek to whine and moan saying that they have gained weight. Is it any wonder? Do the words 'Self Control' mean anything to you? Although what sounds good in theory differs in practice entirely.

Over Xmas, I actually yearn for normal foods before the month is out. You won’t catch me making a Xmas dinner, and it’s not because I don’t have culinary skills on a par with Gordon Ramsey or Nigella Lawson and can't cook for shit; I would be happier with a nice Indian curry with all the trimmings and garlic naan bread to be honest.

This concludes my 12 part explanation as to why Xmas gets on my tits. I strongly felt that someone out there had to have the balls to publish such a blog and I feel that my soul has been cleansed and that I've gained closure. Many thanks for reading.

Stay tuned for future blogs - time, rantyness, and other random circumstances permitting that inspire me and give food for thought.

[Images acquired from b3ta.com - I'm not that clever with Photoshop. Please visit their site for humourous posts, image challenges and other awesome content]

The 12 Hates of Christmas - Part One

Sunday, bloody Sunday. No, wait there…I mean December, Fucking December. That’s what I meant, and not the U2 song or a description of one of the most tedious days of the week with the only plus point being that I’m not at work. Which is somewhat ironic in itself as many friends of mine can't get the time off from work for Xmas and then I can't see them, great eh?

Anyway, it’s probably THE WORST time of the year for me. We are at the peak of Winter, the weather is dreadful, and it gets dark early. Not forgetting that even with office work at civilised hours of the day (thankfully my weekends are free), I go to work in the dark AND come home in the dark unless I bugger off with a work colleague for lunch and go for a wander around the local Asda; admittedly this sounds rather dull but with the monotony of office work it's a godsend.

Now, close followers that have met me in person and know me very well are only too fully aware of my acute hatred for Xmas. Come now, admit it; think long and hard about it. It’s an absolute painful haemorrhoid on the arse end of the year. Let me quote the reasons and see if I can work some sense into those people that are just blindly oblivious to it. Maybe, just MAYBE, I can convert some people here, or at least make people think. Let me go through the reasons…

(1) Fake Sentiment:
'Peace and goodwill to all men', so we are alleged to believe. Set apart your differences because it’s Xmas. Nope, I don’t think so. If you hate someone for some reason, why in fuck should it end and be different for Xmas? After all, if it were any other time of the year you would still have a beef with somebody.

I much rather prefer someone to be straight with me, than being a pandering twat just because it’s Xmas. One time, I was at a local pub (highly irregular as I wouldn’t be seen dead in a local around here) because of a small impromptu gathering of work colleagues during the last day, a few years back. One particular character was present that was one of the chief ringleaders in secondary school that took great enjoyment at making my school life hell for five years. He decided to attempt to befriend me. His reasoning? “Come on mate, it’s Xmas”. Errr…how about kiss my fucking arse. I replied back with “No, you’re no mate of mine, and I don’t care if all this shit was a decade ago plus ago. Just because it's Xmas doesn’t make it any fucking different!”. Needless to say, a group of the blue collar workshop staff were wanting to smash his face in if I desired.

Let me make this clear: Xmas DOES NOT automatically reverse all wrongs. Besides, after Xmas it will be fucking business as usual and the sentiment wouldn’t mean shite all.




(2) Pre Xmas nausea:
I recently found a cracking definition, as explained on urbandictionary.com – the word being:

HALLOTHANKSMAS
Hallothanksmas is an event running from early October to New Years Eve. Due to peoples obsessive need to start the holidays earlier and earlier, the Three holidays of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas have merged into one huge morass of shopping.
So have you already done youre Hallothanksmas shopping?

I couldn’t have described it better myself. Apart from the slight UK difference that we don’t have Thanksgiving. Well, I’ve never heard of UK peeps celebrate Thanksgiving, unless they were Canadian or U.S. Expatriates.

From Halloween onwards, the whole universe seems to turn upside down. A week later, there's Guy Fawkes, and then a small handful of weeks until December. TV and Radio is decimated with Xmas shopping adverts and the Xmas boredom-a-thon starts in earnest. With fucking decorations up everywhere, starting the onslaught of the brainwash machine drawing the bovine masses in like a moth to a flame. I get sick of December before it even fucking lands because of it. It really does seem to come earlier and earlier, with the likes of selection boxes seen in shops in the first week of November with all the shop fittings being rearranged virtually overnight.



(3) The 'excuse' to get pissed:
Whenever I discuss my reasons for hating Xmas with work colleagues or anybody that is 'Pro Xmas', they ALWAYS quote:

“But it’s an excuse to go an get pissed, mate!”

Our survey says: EH EHRRRRR!

I don’t know about anyone else's financial situation or time schedule, but with reasonable notice, a few calls, text messages, emails even, I can pretty much go and get pissed whenever I want with some pleasant company that are willing to indulge. If I take the above statement literally, do all people remain teetotal until December? I think NOT!

Besides, everywhere is packed like a bastard and becomes more expensive. Double or more rate taxi fares come into play and alcohol prices rise to rape our collective cash cows. Personally, as a result, I am less inclined to go out on the piss. Not MORE inclined.

An important factor for avoiding going out over Xmas is down to what I commonly refer to as the 'AB CD Drinkers' that come out of the woodwork, I call them this because they only come out over Anniversaries, Birthdays, Christmases and Deaths; this by far is the most important reason. I got out on a regular basis and catch up with many friends and go out at least once a month. Then, all these otherwise teetotal boring arseholes invade my establishments who can't handle their alcohol and then proceed to drink cheap anything that is beyond 10%+ alcohol - and in the case of 'Black Friday'/'Mad Friday' they finish work and have been drinking since around lunchtime.

As a consequence, they come out and ruin it for the regulars. A sea of idiots invade the place, red faced men who wear shirts that are two sizes too small for them in garish colours and buzz cut 'Marine Hard Man' haircuts; they always reckon you spilled their pint and are usually the same dickheads found when there's major football matches on that are screened in pubs, not forgetting starting a random argument because they overheard you saying something to a friend that contained the words 'The' or 'And' in a sentence.

Not forgetting the women; usually the female counterpart to the 'ABCD Drinker' species. They're as equally brash as the men and are characterised by fake tan that makes them look like they've bathed in gravy and/or fucked in a dustbin full of cheesy Wotsits, with make up slapped up with a trowel who look more like circus clowns than a woman with class. They can be found braying tunelessly to 'popular music' and take great delight in airing their tits to all and sundry, in some instances caked with flecks of Lambrini flavoured vomit.

My sympathies go out to those who work in the medical profession who are underpaid and severely overworked during that time dealing with these pissed fuckwits; tending to taking shards of broken pint glass out of their heads and torso, broken limbs, black eyes and stomach pumping - and the dumping of elderly relatives taking up hospital beds because they can't be arsed keeping an eye on them. Not forgetting those who clean the town centres the day after, mopping and swilling away a sea of partially digested kebab and pizza mixed with piss. THOSE GUYS AND GIRLS - deserve a fucking knighthood.




(4) Who the HELL are you?:
Why is it, that you have family that decide to show up Xmas that you would not normally see for the rest of the year unless someone died or got married? What is this about?

Every year, without fail, I see a trail of obscure relations resurface out of the woodwork to come and visit. These people, don’t make a conscious effort to keep in touch normally, and my Mailbox is not inundated with their messages, be they of an electronic manner or 'dead tree' based, or phone calls for that matter. I really don’t know why they use Xmas as an excuse; If they can’t be bothered contacting me via any means at their disposal outside of Xmas then I’d rather they didn’t fucking bother in the first place.



(5) Selfishness:
Xmas, I believe, brings out the 'Inner Bastard' in us all, even me. For the rest of the year, everyone just gets on with shopping as normal. Come Xmas time everybody is running around like a crazed maniac driven with greed and their own sense of self preservation. Now, as I said earlier, it’s supposed to be 'Peace and goodwill' and all that cobblers. Nope, people are willing to step over and kill their own Grandmother just to get something before anyone else buys it five minutes ago yesterday.

One time I had a war of words on the bus to Central Pieland. The bus was packed to the max, just because every bastard was out wanting to shop all at the same time. Some lard arse, unemployed Chav bint with the complexion the colour of a cheesy Wotsit crossed with the texture of a water biscuit was blocking the aisles when I tried to exit the bus as I had arrived at my destination, with a triple pram. A triple fucking pram! They should be banned!

I got a torrent of abuse for trying to pass, despite being polite and saying “Excuse me”. She snappily replied with “You could have said excuse me, you ignorant bastard, I’ve got a fucking pram!”

To which I replied:

“If you had fucking heard of contraception, got a job and not lived off my taxes, then maybe I would have fucking got past you, you ignorant fat bitch!”.

You could have heard a pin drop at that moment, and as I exit from the bus I was greeted with a sea of glares. To which, I gave them the middle finger salute. If this was any other time of the year, this WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.



(6) The lonely become even lonelier:
While everybody is filled and driven with their own self importance and celebrating, it can become a period where some people become very isolated. The elderly that have no immediate family or friends are just cast aside as if they didn’t exist. People with little, if no family or friends are made to feel worse about themselves, if they happen to live in foreign lands for example.

Xmas, to some people can become an icy, desolate tundra in more ways than one as a result. It can also be a bad time for those that aren’t attached and don’t have a significant other to celebrate the season with. I can speak from experience with this case, as I recall a time when some friends of mine had partners and I was conveniently forgotten about and I disappeared from their radar as such. Xmas seems to care little about the isolated people, which is ironic seeing as one of its mission statements is to bring those closer together.