The 12 Hates of Christmas - Part One

Sunday, bloody Sunday. No, wait there…I mean December, Fucking December. That’s what I meant, and not the U2 song or a description of one of the most tedious days of the week with the only plus point being that I’m not at work. Which is somewhat ironic in itself as many friends of mine can't get the time off from work for Xmas and then I can't see them, great eh?

Anyway, it’s probably THE WORST time of the year for me. We are at the peak of Winter, the weather is dreadful, and it gets dark early. Not forgetting that even with office work at civilised hours of the day (thankfully my weekends are free), I go to work in the dark AND come home in the dark unless I bugger off with a work colleague for lunch and go for a wander around the local Asda; admittedly this sounds rather dull but with the monotony of office work it's a godsend.

Now, close followers that have met me in person and know me very well are only too fully aware of my acute hatred for Xmas. Come now, admit it; think long and hard about it. It’s an absolute painful haemorrhoid on the arse end of the year. Let me quote the reasons and see if I can work some sense into those people that are just blindly oblivious to it. Maybe, just MAYBE, I can convert some people here, or at least make people think. Let me go through the reasons…

(1) Fake Sentiment:
'Peace and goodwill to all men', so we are alleged to believe. Set apart your differences because it’s Xmas. Nope, I don’t think so. If you hate someone for some reason, why in fuck should it end and be different for Xmas? After all, if it were any other time of the year you would still have a beef with somebody.

I much rather prefer someone to be straight with me, than being a pandering twat just because it’s Xmas. One time, I was at a local pub (highly irregular as I wouldn’t be seen dead in a local around here) because of a small impromptu gathering of work colleagues during the last day, a few years back. One particular character was present that was one of the chief ringleaders in secondary school that took great enjoyment at making my school life hell for five years. He decided to attempt to befriend me. His reasoning? “Come on mate, it’s Xmas”. Errr…how about kiss my fucking arse. I replied back with “No, you’re no mate of mine, and I don’t care if all this shit was a decade ago plus ago. Just because it's Xmas doesn’t make it any fucking different!”. Needless to say, a group of the blue collar workshop staff were wanting to smash his face in if I desired.

Let me make this clear: Xmas DOES NOT automatically reverse all wrongs. Besides, after Xmas it will be fucking business as usual and the sentiment wouldn’t mean shite all.




(2) Pre Xmas nausea:
I recently found a cracking definition, as explained on urbandictionary.com – the word being:

HALLOTHANKSMAS
Hallothanksmas is an event running from early October to New Years Eve. Due to peoples obsessive need to start the holidays earlier and earlier, the Three holidays of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas have merged into one huge morass of shopping.
So have you already done youre Hallothanksmas shopping?

I couldn’t have described it better myself. Apart from the slight UK difference that we don’t have Thanksgiving. Well, I’ve never heard of UK peeps celebrate Thanksgiving, unless they were Canadian or U.S. Expatriates.

From Halloween onwards, the whole universe seems to turn upside down. A week later, there's Guy Fawkes, and then a small handful of weeks until December. TV and Radio is decimated with Xmas shopping adverts and the Xmas boredom-a-thon starts in earnest. With fucking decorations up everywhere, starting the onslaught of the brainwash machine drawing the bovine masses in like a moth to a flame. I get sick of December before it even fucking lands because of it. It really does seem to come earlier and earlier, with the likes of selection boxes seen in shops in the first week of November with all the shop fittings being rearranged virtually overnight.



(3) The 'excuse' to get pissed:
Whenever I discuss my reasons for hating Xmas with work colleagues or anybody that is 'Pro Xmas', they ALWAYS quote:

“But it’s an excuse to go an get pissed, mate!”

Our survey says: EH EHRRRRR!

I don’t know about anyone else's financial situation or time schedule, but with reasonable notice, a few calls, text messages, emails even, I can pretty much go and get pissed whenever I want with some pleasant company that are willing to indulge. If I take the above statement literally, do all people remain teetotal until December? I think NOT!

Besides, everywhere is packed like a bastard and becomes more expensive. Double or more rate taxi fares come into play and alcohol prices rise to rape our collective cash cows. Personally, as a result, I am less inclined to go out on the piss. Not MORE inclined.

An important factor for avoiding going out over Xmas is down to what I commonly refer to as the 'AB CD Drinkers' that come out of the woodwork, I call them this because they only come out over Anniversaries, Birthdays, Christmases and Deaths; this by far is the most important reason. I got out on a regular basis and catch up with many friends and go out at least once a month. Then, all these otherwise teetotal boring arseholes invade my establishments who can't handle their alcohol and then proceed to drink cheap anything that is beyond 10%+ alcohol - and in the case of 'Black Friday'/'Mad Friday' they finish work and have been drinking since around lunchtime.

As a consequence, they come out and ruin it for the regulars. A sea of idiots invade the place, red faced men who wear shirts that are two sizes too small for them in garish colours and buzz cut 'Marine Hard Man' haircuts; they always reckon you spilled their pint and are usually the same dickheads found when there's major football matches on that are screened in pubs, not forgetting starting a random argument because they overheard you saying something to a friend that contained the words 'The' or 'And' in a sentence.

Not forgetting the women; usually the female counterpart to the 'ABCD Drinker' species. They're as equally brash as the men and are characterised by fake tan that makes them look like they've bathed in gravy and/or fucked in a dustbin full of cheesy Wotsits, with make up slapped up with a trowel who look more like circus clowns than a woman with class. They can be found braying tunelessly to 'popular music' and take great delight in airing their tits to all and sundry, in some instances caked with flecks of Lambrini flavoured vomit.

My sympathies go out to those who work in the medical profession who are underpaid and severely overworked during that time dealing with these pissed fuckwits; tending to taking shards of broken pint glass out of their heads and torso, broken limbs, black eyes and stomach pumping - and the dumping of elderly relatives taking up hospital beds because they can't be arsed keeping an eye on them. Not forgetting those who clean the town centres the day after, mopping and swilling away a sea of partially digested kebab and pizza mixed with piss. THOSE GUYS AND GIRLS - deserve a fucking knighthood.




(4) Who the HELL are you?:
Why is it, that you have family that decide to show up Xmas that you would not normally see for the rest of the year unless someone died or got married? What is this about?

Every year, without fail, I see a trail of obscure relations resurface out of the woodwork to come and visit. These people, don’t make a conscious effort to keep in touch normally, and my Mailbox is not inundated with their messages, be they of an electronic manner or 'dead tree' based, or phone calls for that matter. I really don’t know why they use Xmas as an excuse; If they can’t be bothered contacting me via any means at their disposal outside of Xmas then I’d rather they didn’t fucking bother in the first place.



(5) Selfishness:
Xmas, I believe, brings out the 'Inner Bastard' in us all, even me. For the rest of the year, everyone just gets on with shopping as normal. Come Xmas time everybody is running around like a crazed maniac driven with greed and their own sense of self preservation. Now, as I said earlier, it’s supposed to be 'Peace and goodwill' and all that cobblers. Nope, people are willing to step over and kill their own Grandmother just to get something before anyone else buys it five minutes ago yesterday.

One time I had a war of words on the bus to Central Pieland. The bus was packed to the max, just because every bastard was out wanting to shop all at the same time. Some lard arse, unemployed Chav bint with the complexion the colour of a cheesy Wotsit crossed with the texture of a water biscuit was blocking the aisles when I tried to exit the bus as I had arrived at my destination, with a triple pram. A triple fucking pram! They should be banned!

I got a torrent of abuse for trying to pass, despite being polite and saying “Excuse me”. She snappily replied with “You could have said excuse me, you ignorant bastard, I’ve got a fucking pram!”

To which I replied:

“If you had fucking heard of contraception, got a job and not lived off my taxes, then maybe I would have fucking got past you, you ignorant fat bitch!”.

You could have heard a pin drop at that moment, and as I exit from the bus I was greeted with a sea of glares. To which, I gave them the middle finger salute. If this was any other time of the year, this WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.



(6) The lonely become even lonelier:
While everybody is filled and driven with their own self importance and celebrating, it can become a period where some people become very isolated. The elderly that have no immediate family or friends are just cast aside as if they didn’t exist. People with little, if no family or friends are made to feel worse about themselves, if they happen to live in foreign lands for example.

Xmas, to some people can become an icy, desolate tundra in more ways than one as a result. It can also be a bad time for those that aren’t attached and don’t have a significant other to celebrate the season with. I can speak from experience with this case, as I recall a time when some friends of mine had partners and I was conveniently forgotten about and I disappeared from their radar as such. Xmas seems to care little about the isolated people, which is ironic seeing as one of its mission statements is to bring those closer together.