My Experiences With Vegetarians.

Greetings to all my readers. So, another year and I'm glad that Xmas is over – although to be honest I enjoyed the distraction over the past 3 weeks as I actually felt vaguely like my old self for once, instead of worrying about current employment circumstances, or lack thereof at the time this blog has been posted.

Anyhow, I digress.

Recent news about the lentil abusing ramblings of Morrissey have compelled me to write a blog about vegetarianism – which is in my top ten hates of all time (closely followed by Apple products and people's inane worship of them, that might be covered another day).

What is it I hate about vegetarianism? PREACHY VEGETARIANS – people like Morrissey. As much as I enjoy the music of The Smiths and Morrissey, I wish people like him would quit being preachy fucks and telling what to eat. Recently, he has decided to go off on one and declare meat eating to be as bad as paedophilia and Nazism – which is needless to say an extreme step too far. Like many people, perhaps he could do with actually making an album instead of trying to convert a world for the most part who doesn't give a fuck about vegetarianism; because in all honesty it makes people like him look like complete and total dicks. I dare say there's probably vegetarians out there who aren't preachy thinking “Oh for fucks sake, another vegetarian making us look like a bunch of whiny twats, like we need any more bad press as it is!”.

Anyway, enough about him. Let's cover exactly what pisses me off about vegetarianism as a whole.

The Eternal Life Fantasy:

Preachy vegetarians always go on about how long they will live for, due to their diet being ever so super healthy. Personally, I'm not that convinced; the human species is an animal that is designed to be an omnivore (the most notable feature is incisors, which are featured on many carnivorous/omnivorous animals). If you eat a load of crap and don't mind your diet (omnivore or not), you will no doubt suffer the consequences of heart disease, diabetes and many other problems.

To me, a human trying to be a vegetarian is like a car trying to run on the wrong octane of fuel – it will no doubt misfire and bound to cause long term damage. I'm no scientist, but even I know that vegetarians often lack iron, and this is usually obtained via meat – notably Vitamin B12 and Heam Iron to stop such problems like anaemia. Another example that shows humans are engineered to be omnivorous is the redundant part of the stomach called the appendix, which in a herbivorous creature would've been used to help process tough plant matter and seeds. For many people, especially in today's financial climate with food banks – vegetarianism isn't a lifestyle option due to expense of trying to maintain such a diet and is a choice of the privileged.

A typical case in point is the vegetarians that I know, always appear to be more susceptible to colds and other illness more than others who stick to an omnivorous diet. Not forgetting the fact they take that many multi-vitamin pills to supplement what is lost from their diet, that if you shook them they would practically rattle. A friend of mine (who I have referred to as 'Vegan Goth' on my tweets), actually went as far as purchasing Spirulina, which is a form of algae that is supposed to be some sort of super super multi multi-vitamin that if you read the internet would have you believe to be the definitive cure for everything including AIDS and Cancer. He went as far as to make (for all intents and purposes) what is effectively a pond water smoothie from the stuff, however – he forgot to secure the lid on the blender properly. Needless to say, his kitchen got a decorating in rancid green slime which he mopped up with a load of dish cloths and towels to clear the slimy aftermath.

A few days later, he was washing clothes in his washing machine and tumble dryer combo in his apartment. Curiously, after a couple of minutes the smell of rotted eggs and sulphur was prevalent in his kitchen which he couldn't figure out. He couldn't quite work out where it came from, but he eventually put two and two together and worked out the smell was coming from the washing machine. It turns out that the pipework for the washing machine and dyer is the perfect warm and moist environment for algae to thrive, and that the pipes were coated with his very own culture that were absolutely loving the waste water and hot air that was spewed out from the machine. He was left with no option but to phone up a plumber to try and cure the problem, which apparently was sorted using a lump of borax in the washing machine a couple of times until the smell and algae was cleared.

Just think – if he was an omnivore than this particularly messy incident wouldn't have happened (but would have probably made this blog a bit less interesting). Also, I don't think citing vegetarianism aiding longevity of life a bit of a shaky one – there are far too many variables involved that could influence the mortality of a person such as: Life span of your family, hereditary diseases and illnesses, lifestyle, activity, what you do as a job, and so on and so forth.

Take Yul Brynner and Jim Fixx – the former smoked, snorted, fucked and ingested anything and still lived until he was 65. Jim Fixx turned into a health nut in his mid 30s, yet jogging killed him off when he was 52. Also, my nan smoked woodbines and couldn't even understand the concept or definition of dieting and ate and drank what she wanted – to eventually shuffle off the mortal coil at the ripe old age of 86.

So, on that basis who exactly was living life the right way? Hmmmm?

Fuck Off! Stop Telling Me What To Eat!

This is by far the biggest problem that I have with vegetarians in my experiences, the preaching and telling all and sundry how to eat. I don't give a fuck about what you eat, as long as you don't lecture me on what I should and shouldn't eat – otherwise we will establish some very big problems.

I know a small handful of vegetarian people in person, and half of them are pretty much okay and the topic of vegetarianism never crops up or causes any arguments – in fact, one of the friends in my group is vegan and I was completely and totally unaware until it was mentioned one night on Facebook. Another who I know was vegetarian. but if you crashed over at her house on a night out she wouldn't mind making you a therapeutic bacon and brown sauce on toast when you had a splitting hangover, and had no qualms about having a summer barbecue which would make most vegetarians flinch (she would stick to Quorn burgers or something similar, or offer a veggie option).

Sadly, the number of vegetarians who won't shut the fuck up and keep their opinions to themselves far outweighs those who would normally respect the wishes of others and myself.

A particularly annoying person, is a poorly informed vegetarian who is the worst and most neurotic pain in the arse that you could ever meet. The type of person who over analyses the side effects of medicine and would often refuse to take something, even if it was life threatening. This person would also go as far to give me hassle as soon as I ate a kebab while drunk, informing me that it was made of dead cats, dogs, cows arseholes and whatever else (not that anyone would ever care while drunk and eating a kebab). However, due to a sharp sense and wit I am very quick to point out the holes and flaws in their theories and proceed to show them up for the ridiculous arsehole that they are. Because, basically – they fucking well deserve it in all honesty.

A typical case in point was a few years ago, when me and a couple of my friends had made a trip to Yorkshire for a night out at Bradford Rio's to see a band play, and a trip around the drinking establishments inhabited by the Goths and Metalheads that live in the Leeds area. Before we landed at their home, we had decided on a trek around Leeds before making our way over to a small Yorkshire village where my friend lived. Amongst my friends, was the ranty vegetarian I mentioned earlier. Would you believe, that said person made us walk around the long way while looking at Leeds Market due to the butchers and that they “don't like the smell of cruelty and murder”; this was a pain in the arse as it is while we were lugging around a small suitcase and rucksack for the weekend, especially when the suitcases had New Rock boots in them. As a result, I ended up missing a cool little Polish food market that sold some strange confectionery I particularly liked that I couldn't find elsewhere.

I decided to declare war all fucking weekend. This, had finally made my piss boil!

Throughout this particular weekend, I took every endeavour to ensure that I ate even more meat than normal just to piss them off. Whatever I could eat, had to have meat in it somehow – or a least more meat than normal. Just a Chicken Curry? Fuck it – Let's order a special curry with a least a few different types of dead animal in it (Prawn, Chicken, Pork, Steak, etc). A kebab? Yeah sure, let's completely skip on the vegetable garnish and just concentrate on the meat and chilli sauce, fuck it – why not? A sandwich for lunch, Bacon Lettuce and Tomato? Nah – Let's have an all day breakfast sandwich that contains egg, chicken and pork sausage – fuck it, why not? Especially when whiny veggie had the nerve to piss and moan about choosing an eating establishment. They even asked a bunch of Turkish guys whether the Samosa's had been cooked in a facility that had been used to cook meat, of which they couldn't answer or particularly care less – so guess who went away starving while we all had kebab and burgers while smashed off our faces?

This didn't just stop there. Oh no, we went around some Goth clothes shops and even then said person was asking if there was vegan friendly clothing. Yep, they even made a snide comment about a leather jacket that I bought saying something along the lines of “Yeah, nice jacket but it was a shame an animal died to make it”. Granted, there were some vegan friendly clothing (whatever the fuck that nonsense is) but it came at a cost – as noted with Mad Fish boots. They liked the look of New Rocks and Doc Martens, but didn't like the idea of them being made from leather. As a consequence, such clothing is dramatically more expensive due to the specialist nature. They had a range of Mad Fish boots, which were made of some form of synthetic material but were actually bloody horrible to wear and looked as if they were made from old deckchairs or something.

I didn't let it stop there after this shopping excursion. I decided to use even more extreme logic traps to trip them up!

My friends house had some pretty expensive and comfortable leather couches. They sat on them without any apparent issue – which to me sounded very hypocritical. After much drunken debate before going out the door, I had decided to declare that they should either sit on the floor, a fabric foot stool thing or a chair brought in from the kitchen. There was a land slide vote from everybody in the house that they should pick one of these instead of sitting on the leather couch – despite it being the most comfortable option – it was their loss due to their inane fussiness. If they wanted to piss and moan about food choices and ethics as an outvoted minority then they deserved all the shit they got for being preachy. If they kept their mouths shut about it, then perhaps the weekend may have played out a lot differently. In conclusion, a good weekend was had by all (even the whiny vegetarian), but since that point they have become dramatically less vocal and for the most part seen the error of inflicting their 'Veggie Nazi' ways.

Meat Is Murder!

Lastly, a particularly annoying issue with preachy vegetarians is the way they yammer on about animal cruelty, animal testing and such. This is a topic that really annoys me the most.

First of all, there is a definite hierarchical food chain whether people like it or not. To think that all animals are sacred is an extremely naive one. If we applied this to its logical conclusion, then people wouldn't kill off cockroaches, rats or mosquitoes or other vermin and disease would be rife. In fact, they would probably be the first people to complain and make a hypocrite of themselves. Oh, your house is invaded with mice? Oh, that's a shame. Send an email to who gives a shit dot com because if we sent out the exterminators to your gaff would surely be a double standard. Oh, they're the wrong type of mice and they're not the cute ones like Mickey Mouse? Ah, my mistake! 

People who put the lives of animals before themselves in my opinion deserve to be locked up in an insane asylum for such ridiculous beliefs. The likes of Greenpeace, PETA and other such organisations who think they are bang to rights for blowing up scientists that could lead to a cure for Cancer, AIDS, Alzheimers or whatever are extremely odious pieces of work that deserve maximum contempt. There are far more organisations and shelters that cater for cats, dogs, and other unwanted animals that people are prepared to throw any amount of money at. Homeless shelters are closing down, rape crises centres are poorly funded, women and children are fleeing from domestic violence with almost nowhere to turn to. While animal charities are practically a licence to print money, with lots of cute merchandise to keep the collective piggy banks overfed so the accountants can enjoy counting the zeros at the end of the bank balance.

I have often thought to myself that perhaps criminals serving life sentences for murder and/or paedophilia should be used for testing instead of animals. After all, they have thrown away their rights to living in civilised society and they would be a more accurate living template to discover the effects on new treatments and methods. However, the politically correct brigade would be frothing at the mouth piece, citing that these people have rights. Nope, they threw away their rights when they chose to commit such heinous crimes.

It's also worth noting that without animal testing to forward the developments of science, progress would still be in the stone age. Without animal testing, my eldest sister wouldn't be alive and would've left her kids without a mother, fortunately she was treated with Wharfarin to cure what could've been a fatal blood clot. My friends and my missus who have asthma would have a dramatically poorer choice of life if it wasn't for the research and testing for their medication. My own father probably might not have been alive it it wasn't for research done on beta blockers used for his heart tablets to regulate heart beat and blood pressure. This can be applied to anybody that we know with an illness, and they might not have been alive if it wasn't for the research gained from animal testing.

If any of these preachy arseholes were ill and their lives or family members lives depended on medication whose research depended on medication that was tested on animals, they would soon change their idiotic flat earth beliefs.

To conclude, this is why I feel strongly about vegetarianism, and the things that are linked to such a choice.

You're holding the world back.