I can do music reviews, me...

At times, I often think to myself why the hell do I bother with a blog. More importantly, who on earth reads my inane babble? My blog was originally a continuation of my works from the 'death' of Myspace, the newly crowned 'ghost town' of social networking sites (with Google+ becoming a close second). Back in the day, I had many people reading them and Myspace was also cool – a fun and inventive way of social networking that wasn't as mundane and dull as Facebook, not forgetting I made many new friends in real life via it (and some enemies along the way).

Basically, I use a blogger as a bit of a 'brain vent'; it can be a cathartic experience to have a good old chill out and bash away at the keyboard to bring forth my often ham fisted thoughts online for all to see if they so desired. It's hardly a new thing, and on the basis of what I read online I'm far from being alone. In fact, I often find many enjoyable blogs to read – be they technical blogs, random thoughts and opinions, whatever. There's a lot to be said for the medium of the free and independent press that makes a refreshing change from what the TV and newspapers force down the necks of the blissfully ignorant and stupid, who wish to feed their brain on the empty calories of shitty gossip magazines about irritating celebrities and other shite. To read such things is fuelling ignorance, stupidity, and herd conformity as far as I'm concerned, and you're probably inclined to agree.

Anyway...

One night, I get a direct message from a follower overseas on Twitter – a message that made me fall over in shock. Turns out, there's a guy in Holland that rather likes what I write and is an avid follower of my works. Said guy actually owned his own music review website and had a team of independent writers reviewing rock and metal albums from all over the globe; South Africa, America, Britain, and Finland – to name a few places. This guy, wanted me to become a part of THEIR team.

I have a couple of friends who also do this, and I wonder how on Earth they got the 'job'. Turns out, that they were contacted in a similar manner and even interviewed band members and got other perks such as a free pass to a festival as long as they reviewed it. Nice work, I thought to myself. Eventually, the site closed BUT they amalgamated with a far bigger website that has a massive worldwide audience and my 'employer' became one of the editors for their site.

The perks are that you get free music, as long as you write a review about. Alas, it's not paid work and is of a voluntary basis – but, most Goths and Metalheads worth their salt are very passionate about their scene and those who have a very good sense of English language and literature will find that reviewing albums a very cathartic and enjoyable thing to do. Although, I haven't been entirely immune from writer's block with some bands of course. You are also helping to promote your scene and the independent, free thinking press. How often have you read about something, where you feel you could have done better and feel they have got it entirely wrong? I'm willing to wager probably more times that you've had hot dinners if you're and intelligent person like myself.

Many of these websites are crying out for more staff as they're drowning in promo albums, for example fellow writers have had stuff like the latest Paradise Lost, Burzum, and Meshuggah albums to review. In my case, I was delighted to receive and review Wodensthrone's latest album 'Curse' – which is an absolute essential and I urge anyone to buy if if they like Black Metal like I do. Not forgetting discovering new and interesting bands you may like. If you're up to it, send them an email asking if they want a new recruit. If they're after staff, they will ask you to write a test review for them to check out. If you do well, you get the job. Simple as that.

Alas, I wish this was my PAID job. But who knows? Maybe I might get recruited to write for a magazine one day? Never say never.

To conclude this blog, here is the 'test review' I wrote.

(Credits: To Ray, all the staff and readers who write for ThisIsNotAScene)

Esoteric – Paragon of Dissonance **TEST REVIEW**

There are many bands that are part of the Doom Metal genre, from the more accessible works of Cathedral post 'The Ethereal Mirror', Candlemass with their melancholy and the soaring vocals of Messiah Marcolin in their heyday, and the sadly defunct Colosseum with its slow and methodical catchy flavour of Doom.

But out of them all, one that stands out to my ears is Esoteric, a band that certainly doesn't do anything by halves; often making 2 CD/LP long opuses that can (especially with their earlier albums) be extremely suffocating, dizzying, and mind warping to listen to. There truly isn't anything quite like them and a real challenge to all but the most committed extreme metal fan.

This album, follows in the same path – but I feel with a refinement that has improved from the 'Subconscious Dissolution Into The Continuum' album onwards, and also spans over two CD/LP's just like their previous output. In fact, I believe that if there was a parallel universe where Funeral Doom somehow replaced Prog Rock then Esoteric would be said parallel universes version of Pink Floyd's earlier works – large, comprehensive, spiralling, and enveloping the listener in a bottomless but aurally attractive form of darkness that certainly lives up to the Funeral Doom tag, and then some. If you are after a simple 'bish bash bosh' 30 minute album that departs as quickly as it leaves, it will not be found with Esoteric's work.

The opening track, 'Abandonment' is a perfect case in point. Slow, lumbering riffs with conjure up a sense of melancholy that envelops the listener but in a more 'ear friendly' manner that can be heard on 'The Maniacal Vale'; in fact I find it to be a track that covers it all for me and ticks all the boxes – emotive and mind blowing solos to full on speaker destroying chuggerama's and one that I can't stop playing over and over.

The rest of the album takes dramatic, and dizzying turns that sound like an icy black dirge – notably found in the track 'Loss of Will', which truly does sound like the track does indeed 'Lose The Will' on many levels, but obviously not in a bad way. 'Cipher' picks it up a notch and changes gear with some faster riffing and some much needed stomp which ends in a sea of distortion, fading out like a violent tropical storm. 'None Being' comes into view, with a near tranquil swathe of synths, which starts on the same path of speeding up, and slowing down to an near perceptible crawl which in its own right can be a difficult track to swallow which then ends in a stuttering stop.

The 2^nd CD contains just three tracks which clock in on an average of 15 minutes a piece and continue in the same dizzying fashion, slowing, ebbing, draining, speeding it up a notch and then creeping to a point where it feels as slow as natural land erosion – such is the expansive span that is stretched into and crammed into the tracks. 'Disconsolate' starts with the same dreamlike state similar to 'None Being', that breaks into a double bass thump and soaring guitar solos, slowing down and then stunning the listener by striding back with a bludgeon. Lastly, 'A Torrent of Ills' drags on in a slow plodding manner making the listener thinking they've been listening to the album for an eternity, to fade out in a mesmeric swirl that sounds like planets imploding in slow motion.

If you're already a fan of Esoteric and have purchased 'The Maniacal Vale', then this will slot in perfectly as a perfect companion in your album rack. To my ears, it's possibly a micron short of the brilliance of the previous album – but it's something that is barely measurable to point excessive criticism. If you're willing to take the plunge with Funeral Doom after not having any prior experience of the genre, then you can't go wrong with Esoteric – closely followed by Colosseum. Buy it, find a quiet moment with no distraction in the day and let it take over. You won't be disappointed.

War Against Bandwagons - Arena Filling Bands

Greetings all,

As a Metalhead by default (Goth second), I have been to see many bands over the years; you can't be a proper fan of the music without at least getting a few gigs under your belt – it could even be described as a 'right of passage' so to speak.

I have been very privileged to see bands that have been at the height of their powers (Max Cavalera era Sepultura, Paradise Lost before they emulated Depeche Mode), and bands that are sadly no more (Pantera, Stamping Ground). Not forgetting meeting band members too (Morbid Angel, Brutal Truth, Dream Theater, Bolt Thrower, Cradle of Filth – and yes, the latter did have a piss ant attitude as well documented by the music press).

I do confess to being somewhat stubborn and dogmatic about many things. Due to getting into the scene at a time before Nu-Metal had existed, and with regards to my musical preferences I am quite rigid about what I prefer. For example, when I find a band, I love the buzz of discovering a band before most people have heard them. Or, at least a very select few people – and many examples of this have occurred but unfortunately snowballed out of control, notably Arch Enemy (who I had followed after the demise of Carcass before they had Angela Gossow on vocals), and Nightwish (I bought 'Oceanborn' not long after it came out when barely anybody knew about them). Okay, it doesn't put bread on the table for the band and they don't make a really good profit but I like it when a band stays pure and to their roots. To be honest, when a band gets too successful and earned their way they become musically lazy when they get to stadium filling level as it's usually just about the money and not about the music. There are numerous examples if you sit there and think about it properly.

Anyway, the source of my discontent is when a band claims that they are eventually calling it a day. Which, if mainstream so called 'Popular Music' (sic) is anything to go by is a load of bollocks – for example with the likes of Boyzone and the 'Lazaurus-esque' resurrection of Take That. In the case of the Metal scene – I cast the finger of suspicion over Rammstein.

So far, I have seen them twice, some time in 2010 and during their 'Mutter' tour of 2002 that had American Head Charge and Raging Speed Horn as support (Manchester Apollo). I have pondered seeing them again, but I refuse to see them out of principle.

“Why is this?” I hear you ask.

As mentioned before, widespread rumour and 'legend' has it that they are about to split up and word has it that next year's tour is to be a 'Greatest Hits' tour. Two things here, set off alarm bells in my mind:

'Greatest Hits' and (allegedly) 'Splitting Up' – also, the so called 'xx Year Anniversary Tours' (as a tenuous connected footnote).

As far as I am concerned, a band should 'never say never'. They should not mention they are splitting up and just disappear off the radar, usually getting their fingers dirty with curious little side projects. Or, just go back to their relatively normal lives living off the fat of their earnings with touring if they are that successful as a band and make a ferocious profit. To be honest, a stadium filling band isn't entirely short on cash and claims unemployment benefit in the interim, does it? - NO, they don't (although Paul Di'anno – ex Iron Maiden did get busted for fraudulent claiming of unemployment benefit, apparently).

To be honest, I have more respect for a band that does this as they leave fond memories behind, and keep their fans guessing, wondering, and living in hope that they tour again before either someone in the band carks it or the fan in question carks it. To me, personally, I call bullshit on a band that claims they are calling it a day as all I see it to be is a cynical marketing exercise which drags their fans like a moth to a flame. So, I opt out of this and take no part in it whatsoever. I am sure I will not be the only person that will happily sit there, laughing their arses off if (usually, when) they 'valiantly return to the stage'. You can't sit there and say “No, it won't happen” - it might do, it might not. Who knows, apart from the band members themselves? People also mention that they are 'cracking on a bit' with the band members being an average age of 45 and are too old to be doing it. Fair enough, but what about the likes of Motorhead and AC/DC then? Those guys must have 10 years plus over Rammstein

While bringing this to a close, I dislike the bandwagon of an arena gig in general. I feel, as a result the bigger the venue the more it depersonalises the music, atmosphere, and experience as a whole; large sou-less venues that are are more like a sterile concentration camp, with over zealous security that herd the flock of sheep in to be financially raped by expensive warm beer, substandard nasty food and band merchandise that requires the fan to re-mortgage their home, to be gassed in their own musical Auschwitz. Many bands don't work properly in the arena environment, and in some cases the support can embarrass the main act – for example, the last time I had seen Slayer live I found that Lamb of God destroyed them and sounded more potent and ferocious. Sadly, as much as I love Slayer I hate to admit it but it's true.

What makes a gig for me, is a smaller and friendlier setting – even if it's a crummy venue where even the Cockroaches are complaining. A setting where you can get as close or correctly equidistant as you like without the sterile confines of a stadium sucking the soul out the enjoyment and the marrow from the music. Somewhere where you can easily find your friends in-between bands playing, and discuss how it went. A venue where, if you so wanted, can be sufficiently near enough to see the whites of the band members' eyes. The smaller venue is a dwelling of, dare I say it a form of beauty where you can enjoy a band in a more intimate setting (and come home with some decent pictures and memories, instead of muddiness and lack of focus and clarity both aurally and visually). Not forgetting it's great when you bump into band members on occasion to give them the thumbs up in person and congratulate them on their musical works.

If you want to ruin the enjoyment of a band – go to a arena gig. You know it doesn't make sense.

Damnation Festival 2009

Greetings loyal subjects,

It has been a while since I decided to write a blog, due to the massive shift of people going to Facebook instead of using Myspace. Annoying really, as I quite like the camaraderie of Myspace and the meeting of new people on there (despite the problems that I have had with certain people). Probably another factor to the shift is down to the popular use of mobile Internet and the fact that Facebook is “cleaner to look at” on a mobile phone or Blackberry versus Myspace. I am not too sure.

Anyway, I digress.

I have decided to document my experiences of the Damnation Festival, which is held yearly at Leeds University. To those not in the know, this is an extreme metal festival that has three stages, with various bands playing. Due to it being held in the labyrinthine complex of a university building, it can be very easy for those breaking their Damnation Festival Virginity to lose their way around the place.

The Jagermeister stage is held upstairs, while the Rock Sound and the Terrorizer are down in the inner bowels of the building; notably, the Terrorizer stage is held in the Stylus room where The Wendyhouse and Rock of Ages nights are held. The Stylus room is a health and safety nightmare to the extreme lack of lighting. It can be alarmingly easy to fall “arse over tit” as a result in there. I am surprised that this particular room has got away with the lack of lighting, as I have tripped myself over some random person that was sitting on the floor while I was navigating around one night during my first outing on The Wendyhouse night. To those who are contemplating attending the Rock of Ages. Wendyhouse, or Damnation Festival night I recommend that they bring along a small LED key ring torch, to save yourself a mischief. Some people may argue that it provides a nice “Goth Ambience” to the place, but I disagree. They REALLY need to sort this out.

Due to the nature of scattered stages, and my preferences of bands in attendance, I cherry picked the following:

Nazxul (their UK gig debut, and an exclusive to the show)
Firebird
The Gates of Slumber
Electric Wizard
Mistress (their last show ever, watched half of the set waiting for Akercocke)
Akercocke
Rotting Christ
Therapy (viewed some of their set waiting for Life of Agony)
Life of Agony (view some of their set, and went off to see Lock Up)
Lock Up (some of their set viewed, due to watching previous band)



Nazxul:
I was at first initially worried about not getting to Leeds University on time, due to the time keeping of a certain person in attendance who is something of a “Time Bandit”. We had collectively gone out the previous night on an excursion around Bradford, with the last stop being at The Gasworks, “keeping it easy” so we weren’t too bollocksed for the next day.

Despite traffic getting to the place, we got there without a hitch. We discovered the previous night that Negura Bunget had pulled out due to the singer having Laryngitis, which had bought some time for others playing on the Terrorizer stage. Which meant that Naxzul played at around 1400-1430hrs or so, and I missed none of their set as a result.



As mentioned previously, it was Nazxul’s debut live appearance in this country. A finely polished, and clean – nearly clinical live sound. You could be forgiven for thinking that this band comes from deepest, darkest Scandinavia, due to their particular brand of 1349/Darkthrone/Immortal-esque icy black metal bombast. Not so, as they hail from Australia, a very large landmass below the equator. Known for such exports like the Holden/Vauxhall Monaro sports car, Fosters lager, and AC/DC to name examples. Corpse painted, and sounding “Grimmmmm” with a capital G, they tore the stage a second arsehole, with Luke Mills pacing up and down the stage in a red robe bearing the obligatory inverted crucifixes. A fantastic debut, and I only hope that they return to this poxy island in the North Atlantic very soon.



Stand out tracks worthy of note were: “Dragon Dispitious”, and “Black Wings”



Firebird:
Next up, on the Jagermeister stage, was Firebird. Featuring Bill Steer, who was famous for playing guitar in the legendary Scouse grindcore outfit Carcass. A complete and total departure from his extreme metal ex-day job, with a blues rock sound that reminded me heavily of The Black Crowes, and reminiscent of 70’s rock bands such as Cream.



They were an interesting, and refreshing diversion to the usual bands on the Damnation Festival line up. They are a band that I knew of for a while, but have only discovered relatively recently. To be perfectly honest, they are a band that I wish I discovered earlier. Bill Steer has particularly strong vocals that reminded me very much of Chris Robinson from The Black Crowes, that work very well and are a complete departure from the back up vocal styles he used on the Carcass albums “Symphonies of Sickness” and “Necroticism, Descanting the Insalubrious”. If you like your classic rock bands such as Led Zeppelin, Cream, early Black Sabbath and the like then you shouldn’t be able to fault Firebird.



Stand out tracks worthy of note were: “Black Flame, and “Jack The Lad”.

The Gates of Slumber:
I decided to give The Gates of Slumber a whirl, purely on the basis of making damn sure that I got a decent viewing of Electric Wizard. Therefore, after Firebird I more or less decided to stay in the immediate vicinity.



This particular band, is of the Doom Metal variety, reminding me of Cirith Ungol, and Saint Vitus. Which, in my book, is certainly not a bad thing. The Doom Metal genre is something that I quite like, and I thorough enjoy St Vitus, Trouble, Electric Wizard, and Cirith Ungol. I have to say, I knew of the name but I had certainly hadn’t heard any of their output and certainly haven’t seen them in the live environment.



For some strange reason, the vocalist and guitarist Karl Simon reminded me of a biker version of the guy from the program “The Real Hustle”, but the band certainly delivered the goods and sounded great live. I wish that I had discovered them before, and this wouldn’t be the first time that I wished this as we shall see further into the realms of this blog. They have certainly gained a new fan, that’s for sure.



Stand out track worthy of note: “Trapped In The Web”

Electric Wizard:
Now, we were definitely getting somewhere. The last time that I went to see Electric Wizard was in the Manchester Academy, in the small cupboardy room that is accessed via a very scary metal spiral stair case, something that isn’t recommended ascending or descending if you happen to suffer from Vertigo.



Unfortunately, their set in this particular venue was plagued by a technical hitch. Due to the band’s preference of using 1970’s electronics and amplification, they had melted a speaker wire, which had screwed up their set by ten minutes. As a consequence, I wanted to see their set in its entirety, due to the problems that plagued that Manchester gig.



I am pleased to say that all went very well indeed, and it was a thoroughly enjoyable set that mainly appeared to centre around. The sound was epic to say the least, a mind melting blur of ultra distorted doom where one track and the next appeared to have no beginning, or end (apologies for any vagaries with regards to the stand out tracks).



The quartet of Oborn, Buckingham, Taz, and Butler having a particularly striking presence that reminded me of that Hammer Horror film. I can’t recall the name, but it was based around a biker cult where they became the un-dead after some form of ceremony, where they died in various instances such as a motorcycle crash, and one drowning themselves in a river. Feel free to remind me what the film was called, naturally.

Stand out tracks worthy of note: “Dunwich”, “Dopethrone”, and “Funerapolis”

Mistress:
In anticipation of Akercocke and Rotting Christ playing the Terrorizer stage, I managed to watch half the set of Mistress. I had only discovered this band on that night, having previously not known of them before.



Unfortunately, I discovered that the Damnation Festival appearance was to be their last ever show, as Dave Cunt and his merry band of men have decided to call it a day. Which I can only assume must be devastating news for its very loyal fans, which were merrily leaping around the place like migrating Salmon on amphetamines, circle pitting as if it was the last day on earth. I haven’t witnessed such a feral mosh pit since the likes of when I attended Slayer, and the now defunct Stamping Ground who I have seen supporting Chimaira.



Their sound is of a distinctly grimy nature, mixing punk, doom, sludge, and grind elements, and reminds me very much of the likes of Hatebreed but distinctly harsh and nastier, but in a very pleasing sense of the definition of metallic musical heaviness.

There were many stage divers observed, and on quite a few occasions the delightfully named Dave Cunt was observed giving some of the stage dive-e’s a cheery kick up the arse back into the sea of writing bodies in the audience. A lot of fun for all involved, and it’s a crying shame that such a band has decided to call it a day. They will be sorely missed, and I feel deeply privileged to have witnessed their last gig.



Akercocke:
As far as I was concerned, we were reaching the cream of the bands. One of which, in my humble opinion was the mighty Akercocke.



I decided on being right at the front, to witness Jason Mendonca and his merry men proper up close and personal. This was a band that I have wanted to see for a very long time, but constraints on geography (e.g. being too far away from my locale) had thwarted any plans. This time, I had the good fortune to see them. The line up has altered from that of a few years ago, with Matt Willcock (ex The Berzerker) now filling in for guitar duties to replace Peter Theobolds.



Despite this, the band certainly delivered the goods and a reasonably good mosh pit formed behind me. Their particular blend of blacked death metal (or is that deathened black metal?) going down a treat with the fans.

Stand out tracks worthy of note: “Verdelet”, “A Skin For Dancing In”, “Praise The Name of Satan”.



Rotting Christ:
Next in the line up on the Terrorizer stage were the mighty Greek black metallers Rotting Christ. This was also band that I have wanted to see for a very long time. In fact, some time ago I distinctly remember that they were supporting Decapitated in Manchester – but my sense of geography is shit so I didn’t try to find out where the venue was, unfortunately.



Anyway, I decided to stay right at the front, and basically didn’t go anywhere as soon as Ackercocke finished as I wanted to witness the potential of the band up close, and personal. Their unique Greek flavoured black metal went down a storm with the fans, with a fairly active pit forming behind me with equal enthusiasm and gusto.

The only fly in the ointment, was a brief altercation with some random guy from the southern counties having a rant about my anti vegetarianism, who felt that he had to provide some input when I was discussing with my good friend Death Metal Daria the negatives of having a herbivorous diet – sparked off by my sentiment that I would declare vegetarianism as illegal if I were to become prime minister.



To which, I basically quoted that as far as I was concerned the human body is not designed for this diet, notably with having canine teeth and an unused appendix. Not forgetting the basic irrefutable fact that the vegetarian friends that I know always seem to be susceptible to various illness and maladies than their omnivorous contemporaries. Topped off with that we will “agree to disagree, and to watch the band instead of enter an irrelevant debate”, which had silenced a potential face off.



Stand out tracks worthy of note: “Athanatoi Este”, “Non Serivam”.

Therapy:
Now, this was certainly a strange one. Now, let me get this straight; Damnation Festival is a Festival that is held for bands of the more extreme nature of the metal spectrum. The inclusion of Therapy was indeed, a very strange one. Nevertheless, there was a sizeable quantity of people in attendance on the Jagermeister stage. I had only watched them play a handful of tracks as I was waiting around to see some of Life of Agony’s set.



The band produced a fairly decent effort on stage, and performed pretty well – even though this kind of thing isn’t really “my bag” as it were. I hovered at the back of the room with Count Varg, Yorkshire Mark, and Death Metal Daria and hung out with them while watching the band with a somewhat passive interest.



Stand out track worthy of note: “Screamager”.



Life of Agony:
Now, this was a band that was certainly hotly anticipated. They haven’t played in the UK for quite a few years, so I am lead to believe. They were certainly met with a rapturous reception, with a set list that appeared to centre mostly on their début album “River Runs Red”. Something of which, is certainly not a bad thing in my book, as I don’t think they have been able to equal this album since.



I did feel very privileged to see this rather legendary band, and they were certainly one of the better bands that were in the line up for this year’s festival. Keith Caputo leading the crowd with aplomb, and from a distance sporting a barnet bearing a resemblance to a 1970’s Ozzy Osboure, or was it just me?



I watched a few of their tracks, and then decided to enter the bowels of the building to see Lock Up, the “super project” featuring members from Napalm Death, and At The Gates.



Stand out tracks worthy of note: “River Runs Red”, “This Time”.

Lock Up:
This particular band were the headliners of the Terrorizer stage, located deep within the bowels of the building in the room that hosts The Wendy House and Rock of Ages nights.



They were also a band that I had never witnessed before. An intriguing combination, featuring Shane Embury (Napalm Death), Nick Barker (Old Man’s Child, Cradle of Filth etc – he has been the drummer in numerous bands), Tomas Lindberg (At The Gates, now with a short back and sides barnet instead of the ginger dreads of yore), A band, that describes themselves as “mid eighties Thrash and Death Metal mixed with sixteen pints of Vodka and Red Bull”.



They were a good band, but sometimes I couldn’t help but feel it was a project band for projects sake. These so-called super groups can be an intriguing prospect, and in other instances it can be a case of having too much spare time on their hands (Fantomas springs to mind). Nevertheless, their delightfully grimy and crispy shredding went down a storm with their fans, and it was quite an enjoyable conclusion to the end of the night’s proceedings, reminding me of a Napalm Death-esque band fronted by that dude from At The Gates.



The Night Draws To a Close, and “My Kebab Son”:
We decided to stick around for the after show party, which had some fairly decent music played earlier on (Finntroll, Satryicon, At The Gates, Carcass, to name a few examples) before it descended into hair metal hell, something of which I found rather worrying. After all, there are plenty of nights that seem to pander to a hair metal disposition, so why ruin the play list with a load of poodle haired twaddle?

Anyhow, it appeared that quite a few people were too pissed to give a shit, but it was not to my taste. I mean, an extreme metal band after show party should have a play list that is packed to the gills and bursting with extreme metal goodness, and NOT, I repeat, NOT filled with poodle haired wankery. Amusement was provided by me trying to chomp through ice cubes that were in glasses of tap water to re-hydrate the body and mind. Not a good idea, seeing as I have sensitive teeth but I was spurred on by Count Varg deeming me to be a wimp!

The night ended at 0200hrs, where time went backwards one hour due to the end of British Summer Time. It’s a strange thing when that happens, and I have noticed that whenever a night out is planned it always seems to clash with the clocks going forward, or backwards when applicable. A bit of a confusing thing, as it leads to “real time”, and “pretend time” – the proper time where the clocks have gone forward or back, and the definition of time where you haven’t wound your clocks forward or back. Fortunately, universally all taxi firms only adopt the time alteration at something like 0600hrs in the morning, or thereabouts.

To polish the night off, some beer food was the order of the night. Thanks to Yorkshire Mark’s housemate, he managed to order what we refer to as a “Dead Cat Kebab”, as the previous night the establishment known as Curry Master in Cleckheaton had closed by the time we got back home from Gasworks the previous night.

The “Dead Cat Kebab”, as it has been dubbed by my friends, is called this because the actual weight of the thing in a carrier bag is roughly equal to that of a full grown cat been carried in a carrier bag. And not actually made from dead cats, well, at least we hoped so anyway, if it were made from dead cats we would be too pissed and too hungry to give a shit. The diameter of the kebab folded up is something to behold; a good 4 inches thick and stuff chock full of donner meat, various vegetable matter and sauces.



We decided on a competition, too see who could eat the most of the kebab, or even finish it (which might have resulted in one of us dying, and/or throwing up due to “intestinal rebellion”). A video of this event has been published on my Facebook and Myspace for “viewing pleasure”. Shaun joked that the kebab was as big, if not bigger than Dave, and he dubbed the kebab “his kebab son”. And I further joked that he was using “fly tactics” to eat the kebab. As a fly stomps around on its food, covers it in bile and juices, and sucks the food matter up via its proboscis.

I had got through approximately 60% of the kebab, and just basically got stuck into the beast but decided to call it a day. Shaun had decided to weigh the kebabs eaten by me, and Dave Taxidude, and it turns out that Dave’s was the lightest. Which, you would believe would be declared the winner.

Not so, as far as I am concerned.

Why? You may ask. Well, the following morning (and a somewhat foolish decision), I decided to eat the remainder of the kebab, making sure that I “nuked the fuck out of it” in the microwave. 10% of the kebab was left, and decided that this was far too grim to be breakfast and chucked the remainder of it away. Now, the thing is, we will never know what had happened to Dave’s kebab as he wrapped it up in tin foil and put it in his rucksack. He declared that “there is a time and a place for a kebab, and having one for breakfast isn’t one of them”.

Therefore, I discussed this with Sean via a Facebook comment, and declared myself to be the winner. As there was evidence that I ate a sizeable quantity of the kebab, and neither myself, Sean, nor Yorkshire Mark saw the remainder of Dave’s kebab. For all we know, he may have thrown it away and never ate the rest of it.

And thus, concludes my blog.

Greetings to the following peeps who attended (By Myspace pseudonym):
Death Metal Daria
Count Varg
Havoc Claudia

And many thanks to Yorkshire Mark, and Sean, for putting up with me and Dave Taxidude quarrelling like a married couple.

Next stop…WHITBY GOTH WEEKEND.

STAY TUNED!