Nonisphere

 

In recent news, there has been an online ‘whingey woo’ about Sonisphere cancelling.

 

To me, this comes as no real surprise and it’s something that I don’t really care  about. Hunker down, have a brew and a biscuit while I explain the reasons.

 

Over the years, I have seen many many bands. Probably a metric fuck tonne, or thereabouts; I’ve not really thought that much about it but it spans a time period of around 18 years so far. I have seen some bands at the height of their powers (Sepultura and Paradise Lost), and had the good fortune to see the last ever Pantera tour (with Powerman 5000 as support) in 2000 when they toured the ‘Reinventing The Steel’ album.

 

The line ups of both Download and Sonisphere have not really interested me as a result. The bands that I wish to see I’ve seen at least once, and the rest of the bands are just drivel or stuff that never interested me in the first place (such as the swarm of ‘has been’ hair metal bands that have decided to plague Download). This said, not everybody is as fussy as me, nor are they able to get time off work without too much question to attend a gig. For many, Download and such ‘Popular Metal’ fests like this are a very convenient ‘one stop shop’ to see a load of bands in one fell swoop. Naturally, this makes Download and Sonisphere very attractive for many.

 

However, in this current ‘Recession’ climate – not forgetting the fact that the UK is an island that has always been known for sweeping Metal under the carpet since the 1990s – I believe that in essence there just isn’t room for Download AND Sonisphere to exist. Check out the line ups for both, and do a comparison; practically they’re showcasing pretty much similar bands and you could often be forgiven for thinking that one festival is a carbon copy of the other. People can go and scream and shout from the hilltops that the likes of me who ‘looks down their nose' at these festivals are pure evil incarnate until the cows come home and bugger off again; it will not make any difference because the facts are there if you look hard enough. Not forgetting that the usual accusations are flying around (again) that I ‘hate everything’ which is far removed from the truth.

 

While we are on the subject, I also admit that (shock horror) I’ve never been to a festival. This may be perceived as being somewhat hypocritical but as I mentioned earlier I’ve seen pretty much all what I have wanted to see. Without the ‘attraction’ of living like a hobo or boy scout in a tent; with other ‘comrades’ smelling of urine and contracting dysentery, trench foot, and food poisoning from a salmonella infected burger. Combined with spiralling expensive that's enough to warrant re-mortgaginging a house is not my idea of a top weekend; decent bands or not. Every year, I see many people expressing trouser distorting joy over going to these festivals either in person or online; only to complain a few days later of sun burn, sun stroke, overloaded latrines created by Satan himself, and lastly vomiting at both ends of the body, vowing that they’ll never do it again. People never learn.

 

Many people also report that I can’t possibly be ‘Metulz’ enough to have never participated in a festival. To be frank, I call bullshit on this; usually the people that call me this are people who were either the twinkle in their father’s groin or where finger painting when I first starting liking Metal, and getting into the Metal and Goth scenes. When I first got into it all, it was at a time that pre-dates the Nu Metal or Art Quiff Twat bandwagons that we see today; and at the risk of sounding massively clichéd they were ‘proper times’ and ‘metal times’ [sic].

 

I admit that I do need to attend a festival, and the only one that suits me without the need for going abroad is attending Bloodstock. If I hadn’t have seen Carcass at Damnation Festival in Leeds along with Sigh, Electric Wizard and My Dying Bride (to name a few); I would have attended Bloodstock when Carcass were headlining a while back. Admittedly, the line up is very tempting (especially with Behemoth and Winterfylleth, which I absolutely adore) but even then there is the white elephant in the room that is Alice Cooper (why IS he there?). Another thing that I admit to is that I describe myself as ‘not portable’, as I like my creature comforts too much. Sometimes, I want to get back from a gig after being blotto and have a nice kip and chill out in familiar surroundings and my own bed – and the notion of 'slumming it' in a tent sounds very daunting and horrible, especially if the weather is really bad or very warm. Not forgetting that the cun....errrmmm 'friends' that you have gone with are probably making your stabbing hand itch, especially if one of them was perennially car sick, can't handle their booze or just generally acts like a dickhead and get themselves into trouble all the time. I bet when you go to these things you will miss your creature comforts, cappuccino maker, PC, and whatever else – go on, just admit it and level with me!

Finally, I'm more into the 'underground' scene of Metal, the notion of Sonisphere and Download feels far too mainstream. At the risk of sounding elitist, I miss the days when the 'Normalloes' didn't care for Metal and our music wasn't plastered all over Grand Theft Guitar Hero, Kerrang TV, and DAB radio stations. From what I've heard from friends and other sources, Download and Sonisphere are attracting far too many 'Normalloes', Hipsters, and other poseurs that just attend the event for 'a bit of a laugh' because Kerrang told them to do so, and all these games that have Metal tunes for soundtracks draw them in too. They're people that I'm not interested in and want to fraternise with – this completely puts me off entirely.

One day, I will attend Bloodstock or a metal festival that I believe is worth it – not some mainstream cobblers I care little for. It's on my 'bucket list'. It WILL be accomplished.

But I'd rather chop off my pork sword and fry it in garlic, than attend Download or Sonisphere. 

(Edit: Quantity of bands seen changed 'metric fuck tonne' by popular demand due to @Hostmorke of Twitter)