The Cover Letter You Wish You Could Write

Currently I am out in the wilderness due to being made redundant approximately 10 months ago, and despite much effort and applying, have mostly been ignored; going through the bureaucratic firewall that is employment agencies – about as close as I got to an interview was 2 months ago. Seeing as it's summer (at the time of being published), I am treating this a lot like the way a student would do when they have a so called “gap year”, doing things of which employment would have got in the way of.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I may possibly elaborate further on this experience in a future blog. But, there are a lot of areas to cover and it would be difficult to get it all out of my system.

In the meantime, I have penned a satirical letter which displays exactly how I feel about the whole re-employment process. I'm itching to use this, to be honest – especially if it did actually land me a job where the 'powers that be' have a sense of humour and would have piqued their interest.

So, here it goes....

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing with regards to your job vacancy of Head Office Administrator, as seen on a poorly coded and generic job recruitment website littered with spelling errors and ambiguity.

I am a fully experienced administrator that once worked somewhere for the best part of a decade and a half, performing many administrative tasks – notably data entry, dealing with awkward customers over the phone who think that they know better, and working as a team digging ourselves out of bodges performed by management that can't even find they way out of a paper bag. How they became management material is a continuous source of bafflement, but I digress. Please find enclosed my CV – which I believe fully demonstrates my capabilities.

I'm a hard working, popular employee that not only gets the job done well – but in an exemplary manner that will probably embarrass the more incompetent individuals in your team that you are probably sick to the back teeth of. More importantly, due to not being married or having children I won't use this a 'green card' to be absent on certain days and use my family as an scapegoat. This also includes the blonde office tart that's continuously sat Instagramming pictures of her lunch and gawping at her iPhone all day, trawling through Facebook when she should be working; while you haemorrhage away £20k a year to keep such a work shy individual, clearly kept by management because she looks 'easy on the eye' and enjoy low level sexual harassment and horseplay.

I am now tired and sick to death of applying for many jobs, and being out in the redundancy wilderness. I wish that you would give me the opportunity to discuss this vacancy further in person rather than dealing with the allegedly sage advice of recruiters who can't even find their way out of a carrier bag or organise a booze up in a brewery.

Thank you for your time. Please don't hesitate to contact me to discuss this further, but you probably won't bother and employ some college leaving bozo that has no prior experience and not learn from prior mistakes of employing people that aren't good enough for the job.

Yours Sincerely,

The Armchair Anarchist